The older I am, yet non the wiser I got...

Aiks, just went I thought I was able to exercise a little once again…

On Sunday, 2 days after I got home from the hospital, my younger brother and cousins were playing 1 versus 1 football and I was there taking a look. Thinking that perhaps I was “healthy” enough to play, I decided to join in order to move my body a bit. So I took the ball, did some left right movement, and just went I started to turn around to get the ball… “CRrraacccKKK” The inevitable happened, I sprained my ankle.

It wasn’t too bad at first, I managed to limp back into the house to sit down and rest. After that I was even able to walk upstairs to surf the internet. But after seating around for an hour, I realized how severe it was when I wanted to stand up to take the mic stand for my cousin. My left leg that got sprained couldn’t support me at all; it was too painful to stand up. Arghhh! And there I was, thinking about going out to catch some of the good movies that were out in theaters.

Nevertheless, it isn’t so bad, as having a sprained leg most importantly doesn’t affect my appetite or sleep (as I am so afraid of nausea nowadays), and it’s not like I cannot move any where at all and need to stay put, just that it takes a longer time to carry my non-movable leg around. Thank God it isn’t a broken/dislocated ankle, no way am I going back to the hospital when I just got out of it two days ago. Oh, and later did I realized that missing the chance to watch movies this week isn’t a problem at all, as at first I didn’t know the school holidays started, and I don’t really enjoy much when the mall is so crowded -- where you could feel someone breathing down your neck or smelling someone’s sweat’s just centimeters away from you.

Thank God that as I am typing right now my sprained left leg is able to move around normally, though any movement faster than walking would result in me screaming I guess. Heh, from now on I will need to do some warm-up before starting any exercise whether heavy or light, guess my body is so rusty that starting it up to full gear instantly would result in everything breaking apart. Either that, or I am just getting old real fast and can’t do stuff I did when I was younger.

*

My dad recently started using my laptop a few months ago when I seldom bother it anymore as any games having better graphics than Warcraft III would result in a major lag and surfing the internet was a pain as it takes so long to load FireFox. That and my elder brother ordered a new computer before he went back to Australia for his studies.

Well, the computer lagging really badly wasn’t only experience by someone who’s tech savvy, but even my dad who doesn’t use the computer at all till now complaints about it whenever he uses it, saying how come it starts up so slowly.

I tried deleting everything that I am not using, cleared spywares and stuff but to no avail. It still loads up to Windows really slow, and checking pictures and documents is a frustrating process as you need to wait forever. I read from In-Tech that some files, even though they are deleted they still leave traces of it on the hard disk; therefore it still lags at times and doesn’t really help. Plus I guess many irremovable spywares have entered my laptop since I didn’t really bother it for a long period of time, didn’t bring it along with me to the hospital after awhile as I realized that I really have no energy surfing the internet or writing stuff when I am feeling so nauseous. Hmm… which reminds me about that experience in the hospital where someone kept sending me some unknown file through my laptop via Bluetooth, which Norton says are viruses… but I’ll leave them for some other time…

Well, if all else fails what do you do? You start over! Yeah, that’s right; I decided to reformat my laptop. After checking sites in the internet on how to reformat your computer correctly, I was confident that it was a piece of cake.

So I started to reformat, reinstalling Windows and stuff… after a really long time… Yay! Finally installed and ready to go. Load up all the essential programs and realized that there was one more CD left. Apparently this CD is to install a program to allow the laptop to play videos and music without even Windows loading up. Looking at the manual it says it needs 212 MB of space set aside from the main partition to install it… oh dear… guess I got to reformat it as I only have one partition and didn’t realized about it.

So, second time, I did what I thought it says, created 212 MB partitioned space and installed Windows in the other, did all that I’ve said above except the mistake. But I realized that when I tried installing that program from the CD, it failed saying that I have insufficient space.

Getting frustrated, I partitioned 250 MB to see if this program will still give the excuse of not having enough space. Did all that I have mentioned above except the mistake… and yet it still says insufficient space after a super long time of installing.

What in the WORLD??!!!

So this time I read the manual again, it’s just 2 pages for goodness sake and yet I could get it wrong. Thinking that maybe I should just call some technician to help if all is lost I suddenly realized something… the manual said to deduct 212 MB from the main partition for the “operating system”. *Slaps forehead*, I just realized that when it says operating system it means Windows and not the program I was trying to install, and where it says ‘deduct’ I was ‘creating’ a partitioned instead. In short, I should deduct 212 MB of my total hard disk volume, and install Windows to the rest of the larger sum, not creating a new 212 MB partition by itself.

That’s when I realized it wasn’t as easy as I thought… by the time I finished installing everything it was already midnight. And what should have been a one time reformatting process became four times the work. Guess I ain’t so tech savvy after all, savvy?

Well, I learnt my lesson… if there’s anything computer related that needs to be repaired and done; I’ll just leave it to my elder brother. Saves the trouble from me =)

Mission Accomplish~

I didn’t know that saying goodbye to something that I dread wasn’t as easy as I thought.

Not that I am going to miss chemotherapy, as it isn’t really something anyone would want to look forward and receive it with open arms, but the whole experience of going through it for one and a half years was some wild journey. And it’s has all ended. Having a mix of feelings right now as I am typing this, it seems… unreal in a sense that the chemotherapy has come to an end; that the super long list of chemotherapies that I need to go through for weeks and weeks was completed just like that, and back then I was like looking at my protocol, crossing out each treatment I’ve gone through and wondering: “Man, this is going to take forever… when will it ever end?”

Got home from the hospital 2 days ago and though the homecoming was delayed for two hours because of a total mix up with the insurance company and the hospital--- both relaying wrong information to one another--- I didn’t really bother much. Okay, okay, I lied… even though it was the last day I still got frustrated from waiting and changed my clothes even though I was still feeling quite weak to venture outside my room and to the bill department to see what was taking so long… thought my mom was chit-chatting with her aunts so long to pay her bills, tsk tsk.

Really need to thank God that this time around the treatment was very much bearable, didn’t throw up once and the days seem to pass by rather quickly, except for Monday I guess when I had my Lamba Puncture and needed to stay still for like 5 hours on the bed, and that’s when time moved really slowly, but who loves Mondays anyway. Had 2 chemo’s this time around, a 2 hours daily chemo (Ara-C), and for the first 3 days a 3 hour chemo (didn’t know what it’s called, but apparently it breaks down the DNA of cells or some sort like that, message me if you really want to know). I was rather surprised or terrified as you can say… that the chemo was able to be administered though the period of time was really out of place. I took my first chemo at 6 something in the evening for the first day, but as my mom thought that there may be a chance that I would want to go home on one of the days and also in order that on Friday I wouldn’t need to stay for another day since the chemo will end by midnight, she asked the doctor if it could be made earlier. The doctor said that a time difference between a ‘few’ hours was okay and asked the nurse to plan accordingly. So the next day the chemo started at 3-4 in the evening, which was fine I thought. But on the third day it suddenly started at 11 in the morning and the nurse who put the chemo on me didn’t even spare a single second for my anti-nausea medicine to settle down. Normally they wait around 30 minutes for it but she just put in the chemo straight after that. I would yell if it wasn’t for the fact that this chemo treatment was bearable… and I thought those horrible nurses only appear at night or Saturdays and Sundays. Thank God that nothing terrible happened to me because of that.

Nothing much to mention I guess for the whole five days when I was in the hospital. I spend most of my sunlight moments sleeping, while watching Disney’s series at midnight (like Lizzie McGuire, Even Steven’s, I find it way more interesting compared to the B-grade movies on Star Movies which they normally show during midnight). When I was back at home, mom even complimented me for being able to hibernate in the hospital: only eating one main meal which was dinner, and sleeping through everything else. At first I thought it was because of the loss of appetite and tiredness from the chemotherapy, but on Friday when I got home, my appetite was back to normal and though my stamina wasn’t at its best, I didn’t need to sleep the whole day like in the hospital, proving it wrong. I realized the hospital room plus the thought of knowing that I am going to get a dose of chemotherapy and certain food and smells (realized this because certain food gives me my appetite back, while others completely destroy it, problem is, I don’t know which is which as it changes) made me nausea even before I begin any chemo treatment at all, meaning that the whole thing was caused mentally, but it isn’t something where I can concentrate and chant: “the hospital is a happy place” a million times to make it go away.

Hmm… it’s going to be disgusting but I guess I’ll just write it down for memory sake… I guess it’ll be a long time before I can last 5 days NOT bathing. I didn’t have the heart to tell one of the nurses that was doing their routine check up that my hair wasn’t purposely oiled, but it was “naturally” oiled. Yeah, imagine how oily it has become when one doesn’t bath. And there she was complimenting about how great my hair has grown back.

Oh, and before I forgot, a really big thank you to the student nurse that came visit me for more than once while I was in the hospital (I guess you know who you are), though you didn’t had practical duty at the hospital then. It breaks the mundane cycle of sleep, watch TV, and sleep again in the hospital. I seldom get visitors, and for those who are wondering why, a patient undergoing chemotherapy is really hard to get visited by friends as most of the time cell counts are low, and even if that isn’t the case I may need time to recover from the side effects that I have received and wouldn’t want to meet anyone then (it isn’t pleasant to talk and feeling like vomiting at the same time). And I guess it doesn’t seem polite to “ask” people to come visit you, as that seems forced in way.

Most importantly I need to give thanks to God for all He’s done. For helping me to overcome the impossible, and teaching me that going through life isn’t so easy. It isn’t always “the other person” who would need to go through the difficulties. Heh… and before that the hardest thing I need to go through was exams. But for exams if you fail, you get devastated… of course… but you still live through it and can retry another time. But the exam of life isn’t something that can be retaken.

There are so many things that I’ve learned through this experience, and a million more reasons to thank God for it, but I’ll just write one for now. One important thing I learned through this experience was the peace of God. I realized that the peace of God isn’t something where panels of bright lights appear and suddenly all the pains go away; all troubles disappear; all worries gone in a snap with God’s finger (though He could do that if He wants to).Now I realized that the peace of God is this: Even IN pain, troubles and tons of worries, you know there isn’t anything to be afraid of, for you know that God is in control, and you can have rest, sweet rest knowing that His arm is carrying you through all the way without a doubt. I guess it’s best describe by Pastor Chuah during one of his sermons: The peace of God is like a bird, sleeping soundly under the shelter of a rock, though heavy storms with loud thunders roaring and flashes of lightning are around it, the bird could still rest peacefully under the solid rock. And it was this peace that made me go through my toughest times, as I know full well that I can give all my burdens to God, for He wasn’t going to abandon me.

I would really want to jump and celebrate, maybe fire a few fireworks while I am at it and party all night but having to eat the pills for 1 and a half years time (the main thing I am dreading right now) after this, and going back for Lamba punctures every now and then (not too bad this one) to decrease the chances of a relapse seems to dim the celebration mode. Though, I won’t complain much as I am still very glad that I don’t need to drip in any chemo anymore or having the need to stay really long periods of time in the hospital.

So, in short (just the highlights):

After,

-1 year 5 months plus (started on December 22^nd, 2005 till May 25^th 2007)
-12 chemotherapy treatment (not including the others, if included it’ll 18 treatments)
-50 plus blood drawn from the arm (not including those from chemo-pod)
-10 Lamba puncture procedure (and counting… still need to go for it)
-4 times hair dropped and grown back again
-3 painful mouth ulcers (one caused from bacteria, while the other 2 was because the cell lining couldn’t recover fast enough)
- 2 anal infection
- 1 case of herpes zoster (or the heavier version of chicken pox if you’re wondering)
- Packs of blood and platelet transfusions
- And being nausea for all the treatments except the first one and the one where I didn’t need to take any chemotherapy.

I can finally say to myself: Mission Accomplish!

*pats myself at the back*

~Hmm… guess I’ll be writing what I’ve learned and felt through this whole experience every now and then whenever I could think of it. Just couldn’t fit every single thing that is gushing through my mind right now.

Negotiation at the hospital...

“Eh, you think this is a market ah, ha-ha!” says the nurse.

Yeah, went to the doctor for a check up today, thank God once again that the counts were all normal, and that I didn’t need to get admitted to the hospital on that day itself.

Well, not that it was part of the doctor’s plan in scheduling me to get admitted next week, but I managed to get out of it through some negotiations, well like those in the markets.

“AUNTY AUNTY, BUY 10 ORANGES FREE 5!!!!”
“You give me FREE 20, only I buy lah…”
“Harh?? Free 20 cannot lah…”
“Aiyah, how about 10 leh?”
“Eh, I rugi, but can also lah.”

Which in my mind I don’t think they are going to rugi unless they are doing a stock clearance.

Anyway, after discussing with the doctor I managed to persuade him to only let me get admitted on Monday, which I really thank God for as this at least gives me some time to relax and enjoy eating for another 4 more days, free from feeling nauseous and all I must add, before the next unknown side effect pops up when I undergo chemotherapy for 5 days again.

And since I was going to be staying for at least 5 days, getting admitted on Monday is another good thing as I totally dread the nurses’ service on Saturday and Sundays. Well, unless I got lucky and have the regular senior nurses working on that day (senior doesn’t mean those grandma’s mind you), I am going to have to be fully alert in making sure that the nurses don’t do anything life threatening to me and making sure that they actually do things properly. I guess that’s what happens when you have too many patients and too little nurses, all which have taken leave on that day I guess. Man… that kind of reminds me of some of the horrors at night, but let’s leave that for another day.

Bah~! Though I did succeed in postponing the days, I didn’t successfully manage to negotiate with the doctor to reduce the amount of pills from the insane number of 12 pills a week. He was saying that my counts were alright and there wasn’t any need to alter it. Arghhh… I am suffering from eating the pills!!! Hope he actually understands that before I need to retake the pills again.

Hmm… though I am really dreading to get admitted to the hospital this time around, but since it is the last one, might as well get over it so I don’t need to think about all that anymore. The doctor says it isn’t going to be too heavy either and actually allowed me to go home anytime between the stay if I wanted to, which was reassuring I must say. Praying to God that all goes well, don’t want anything to happen on my last long stay in the hospital, as even though the doctor may say that this treatment is going to be light, I can’t even remember how many ‘light’ treatment’s I have came out feeling that the hard ones were easier to go through instead.

Oh and yeah, got to thank God that my elder brother didn’t give in to my stubbornness to NOT buy any warranty for the Dell computer. I remembered back then I was like: “What??!! Waste so much money on warranty! I don’t buy can save another thousand lorh, just need to take care of the computer properly only mah…” Yeah right, come to think about it, I don’t think there was once any of my computer survived 3 years without anything happening to it. Really got to give credit to my elder brother as with the 3 years warranty I didn’t need to pay a single cent for the replacement motherboard and the service of repairing it.

I was rather amazed by Dell’s service though; I called Dell service hotline on Tuesday (took me lots of guts and scolding from my brother and mother to do it as I am a total chicken when talking to ‘strangers’---what if they kidnap you?), did all the check up and pinpointed it to be the motherboard’s problem, and the technician told me on the phone they guarantee that by tomorrow morning they will come over and pick it up for repairs or you can call the hotline again to speed them up (reminds me of how one speeds up Streamyx to install broadband service to you). The next morning (Wednesday), while trying to ignore the ringing of my cellphone in order to sleep, in which after a missed call only did I realized it could be the Dell technician, I answered him that my motherboard could have been destroyed. Well I actually said: “my motherboard fried…” in which he just replied: “harh??!!”, so yeah saying “destroyed” would simplify things. The tech dude said that he would come in the morning… well, as Malaysian’s when we say “would come” and then it was already 10:30 in the morning, chances were that that morning would only come tomorrow or the day after next, after next, after next… so I just went for my checkup without waiting.

Voila, while waiting to enter the doctor’s room the Dell tech dude called and said that the computer was in working order, the motherboard was replaced, a full system check was done… heck, he even ask me what other repairs should I give him to do on my computer (should have asked him to upgrade it if he have the parts, tsk tsk). What surprised me was that instead of being the typical computer technicians that brings the CPU back and slowly take a week to sort of your problem, they actually took the initiative to bring the parts, which in this case was the motherboard, though there could be a huge chance that a complete computer noob (i.e.: me) told them some wrong information. Ha-ha, all in all, was really glad that the computer didn’t need to get admitted anywhere, and was repaired at home and really fast I might add.

Well, I do have a complain though: The technician only arrived at 12:20 pm and not in the morning that he promised.

*A punch comes out from nowhere and punches the author--- “you ungrateful brat!”*

Strike by lightning...

Oh Yeah! Finally today I can stop eating those horror pills and not worry of any crazy side effects that would happen after eating it!

I woke up thinking that it’s going to be a perfect day for me. The weather wasn’t so hot like it used to nowadays, I wasn’t feeling the nauseous feeling I had few days ago, and I even got the 218.208.XXX.XXX IP in one try woo hoo!!!!

For those who are wondering what’s to be so happy in just getting some random numbers, as any IP given also allows you to surf the internet, let me tell you this: Yeah, all given IP from STREAMYX (got to emphasis this!) allows you to surf the net, but not all of them allows you to connect it at a fast connection! Though you are using the “high speed” broadband of Streamyx, have you ever noticed that there are times when you want to beat up the monitor and throw your keyboards on the ground and smash it because it’s takes like 5 minutes just to open up your e-mail or maybe 1 hour to load Masked Riders Part 1 on YouTube?? It makes you think that maybe taking out your old noisy 56k modem from the past and reusing it would be a much better alternative compared to paying Streamyx for that lousy SUPER slow connection. Well, that’s because certain IP have a really slow connection to overseas sites, and more often that not, you’re going to get it, which is normally the 219.95.XXX.XXX. It’s really dumb, but there are times when I just sit there for hours reconnecting my broadband modem till I get that IP I just stated so I can play online games smoothly (frustratingly, my cousin just few doors away can always get those super good and fast IP connections WITHOUT fail, hmm, some trick perhaps?). Thank God that for the past month I manage to find the time schedule to actually get it after at least 5 tries. Otherwise I am just going to stop subscribing to Streamyx as with that kind of speed is just not even worth it. Best Broadband Company for online games and web surfing in Malaysia… yeah right…

Then after lunch and an hour of gaming later it started to rain, a good thing since it cools down the temperature, but if it starts to have lightning… arghhh! That means I have to close the modem and lose that IP that I’ve got. At first I didn’t off it because I thought the lightning would eventually subside and I didn’t want to reconnect all day to get the IP again, but the lightning didn’t get better at all. Well, better off it than letting it get strike, as that would be even worst… no internet at all. So, after offing everything and switching off the plugs I decided to go and take advantage of the cool breeze by sleeping.

Barooom!!! (I hope this gives the impression of the sound of a really loud thunder) And suddenly the power of the whole house was gone, guess a lightning has struck my house, or perhaps somewhere near. Phew… I thought to myself, I have switched off all the computer plugs, what’s the worst that could happen? I thank God and went back to sleep.

Half way sleeping I heard my younger brother mumbling about something but I didn’t care… which turns out to be something really terrible…

Both my computers couldn’t be turned on.

What the…

How come I off the entire switch also still can strike dead my comps…?

Well, to be honest this time around I didn’t have the end of the world syndrome like how I had when my old comp blew up. Maybe I started to learn what’s important in life… or perhaps through God’s grace my laptop wasn’t blown up so I could still use the internet woo hoo! Though now I am starting to doubt that as my laptop seems to be going a little haywire compared to normal.

The funny thing is, only both my CPUs got blown while everything else was still in order: the monitors, modem, router were all still functioning. Praying to God that it’s just the power box that blown as if it’s the motherboard I’ll go crazy then. At least this time around my parents didn’t scold the heck out of me as I did off the switches, or maybe the lightning strike it dead during the time I was hesitating and before the whole house power trip? If it is so then I am sooooo in trouble.

Ah, guess it’s time to take out my dust covered Playstation 2 and replay some of the old RPGs that I have been too lazy to play. And I guess this event also encourages me to go out to ‘lepak’ too, looking at how I’ve stop eating the pills also.

Or maybe I should just take this time and go finish reading the book of Jeremiah since it’s only the last two chapters.

Though I wouldn’t say that this day was in any way perfect, I would still thank God as having to not eat the pill and feeling so relax because of that is really nothing more than I could have asked for.

64 pills later...

Gosh… I can’t believe that it already has been near to a month since I last updated. Didn’t realized it at all as time seems to move really slowly at times, and really fast when I am enjoying myself.

After my birthday, which was a Monday, I started eating the pills that I oh-so-dread, and it did not turn out too well as on the first day itself I puked from the 12 pills I was taking. Was eating the pills 2 at a time and I guess the over dosage of water drank plus the horrific thought of what it can do to me for the next few days made me nauseous and vomited not long after I gulp in my last 2 pills. Thank God that it wasn’t the kind where you throw out every junk from your stomach but it was just the liquid that came out, as I needed to do the horrendous task of searching through it to make sure I didn’t vomited the pills out in anyway. Though it still troubles me as me thinks the pills have dissolved into the water, but NO WAY was I going to retake the pills for that week. So I just presumed that the pills did not come out… and that the pills have a plus minus error like that of the answers from our graph’s calculations, so minus a few dosage wouldn’t matter, just to comfort myself.

But for those who are starting to think: “Ju Liang, you shouldn’t do that, what if it jeopardizes your treatment??!!” Take heart, as first of all I have no idea how many ‘dosage’ of pills I have vomited out, and I, without the proper apparatus at home can’t measure it through the pile of liquid in front me (and I don’t think anyone would want to do that anyway). And if I take anymore of what I have consume it may jeopardize my life instead as the pills are highly toxic.

Of course I started to feel groggy and nauseous but on that Thursday it became unbearable. I couldn’t move out of bed as it makes me feel seasick, even though I was firmly on land it seems like I was in a rocking boat with tidal waves all around me, and the only way to make me feel not too sick was to lie down in bed. But that wasn’t helping too much either. It kinds of reminds me about the time where I got that serious headache and dizziness from the chemotherapy during World Cup last year, only difference is… I have zero appetite at night as I was sure that one bite of anything will definitely make me puke. Thank God once again that I could actually feel hungry for lunch, therefore not depriving me of any nutrition at all.

Tried calling the doctor, but he was away at Lisbon for a doctor’s meeting, so I have no idea what I should do. Thinking that it may be a one off thingy I decided to give a few days for it to go off. But after 4 days I realized that if it continued I was going to die from the suffering, and followed my mom’s decision to see the doctor the next day instead of being macho. I even decided to stop eating the daily pills on my on accord.

Well, despite the doctor being in Lisbon there’s still the substitute doctor, who was a lung specialist. Huh? What does lungs have anything to do with leukemia?? Well, apparently since this doctor also looks at lung cancer patients, chemotherapy isn’t a problem to him. So I went to him on Monday, told him my situation, and explained to him that I didn’t eat the pills because I couldn’t take it anymore. At first I thought I was going to see the doctor shake his head in dismay, and start lecturing me on why I stopped eating the pills without any doctor’s order or anything like that. But the ‘botak’ doctor just smiled and said: “You did the right thing.” Woah! I was really relieved then. According to him, the 12 pills that I was taking were highly toxic, and he was actually starting to wonder why my doctor prescribed me that many pills per week, in which I blurry said “…because that’s what I take most of the time during the other treatments.”

He did an examination on me and realized that nothing was amiss, so it could be an overdosed. One thing I did notice though, that this doctor was “pro” at taking blood. I was looking away a sec, and when I turn around I found out he draw one whole tube of blood from me, without me noticing much of anything. Normally the amount of blood taken by the nurse at my usual doctor was only like 5-10% of the tube, and there were times when she couldn’t draw the blood that I must suffer the pain of her re-poking to find the vein, and it took so long of and ordeal just to get that small amount of blood.

At the end of the check-up, and after consulting with my doctor through the phone, the botak doctor prescribed me some anti-vomiting pills and asked me to stop eating the pills till my main doctor comes back on Wednesday, where he will have a look at it himself. Well, I didn’t touch the anti-vomiting pills at all as back then I was too afraid to eat any pills anymore. And thankfully, I was starting to feel better once I stopped eating the pills, and for once I can say it wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me.

Time suddenly just speed up when I was feeling much better and it was the day for the check-up. The doctor said that the pills couldn’t be stopped as it is very important in the protocol and must be retaken on that day itself (boy I wish I didn’t heard that), but in order to know which pills were the ones that was causing the overdose, the doctor asked me to eat the 12 pills only next week, while I cut down to one pill daily instead of the usual 2. Well, thank God again that the doctor actually gave me a day’s grace before eating the pills. I wanted that break so I could watch the Champions League match that night, ha-ha, before feeling sick all over again. Though now that I think about it, I think I never watched any match then, or perhaps completely watched any match as I was still weak from the over dosage.

Surprisingly, cutting short by one pill could make a world of difference. Despite the fact that I still have that “want to puke” thought whenever I just think about the pills, I couldn’t feel much of the nauseous effect after taking it, and was able to go on and do whatever I was doing. Really thank God for His grace and mercy as I cannot imagine how am I going to go through another 2 weeks of that uber-suffering. Especially when it was only just the week before where I almost felt like dying just by eating pills, and there I was eating the same pills again.

I couldn’t say much about the 12 pills though, as after taking that it makes me quite nauseous and really tired. So tired that it makes me want to sleep right after I have taken those pills, but I learnt the hard way that if I actually slept immediately I would suffer twice as hard when I awake during midnight. And those pills would gave me a night or two of constant dreams (around 5 per sleep), not those sweet dreams, but dreams about things that bugs you the most (I’ll leave that to your own imagination). The frustration makes you all worked up that you felt like you haven’t slept at all. Guess when I go back for the next check-up with the doctor I got to go negotiate about reducing the amount of pills from 12.

The 3 weeks of pill eating became to 4 weeks because of the delay. At first I thought that it was a set 3 weeks in which I eat the pills, and what was gone… was gone and didn’t need to replace the days I missed eating the pills. But when I called the doctor just last week I found out that I had to eat the 12 pills once each three weeks. Thus, since I skipped one of the weeks I got to replace it. And once I have started eating the 12 pills I’ve got to eat the daily pills for a whole week without fail…ughhh… not what I have expected and that got me really frustrated.

Ah, but one comforting thing would be that the pill eating would be done by today night, just one more to go. Not feeling too good though as I am writing this for I am feeling quite nauseous… hmm something I ate perhaps? Praying hard to God that the doctor would give me at least one weeks break before the grand finale, for I really need a rest before the next one. Well, if it doesn’t goes as planned, I guess it just makes the final treatment ends faster, which is also a good thing, better to just get over it then fret about it. Hoping the final one isn’t too hard to bear too.

Oh yeah, and guess when morning comes in a few hours time I got to wish mom “Happy Mother’s Day”. Don’t really know how to thank her, especially since she have sacrificed so much time taking care of me during the time I was in the hospital, and even besides that she has selflessly taken care of me all the years.

So, if you somehow manage to read this post on Sunday and forgotten to wish your mom that, you better do it now!

Hitting 20...

“So, how are you feeling now that you’ve reached 20 and not being a teenager anymore?”

“Heh… I feel very old somehow…”

Well, that was a question asked to me by myself, and it kinds of summarized how I feel of reaching my birthday yesterday. Somehow I still just can’t take in that I am 20 years old… and I thought only females have the problem of admitting their real age.

Time just passes too quickly… and back then I can’t believe I always wanted time to pass as fast as possible: when I was young and still not schooling, I couldn’t wait to be older as I wanted to go to school like my elder brother; when I was 8-9 I still remembered I wanted to be 10 years old as quickly as possible in order to use a stationary set (in which I couldn’t wait then as it seemed to take forever); besides that during primary school I wanted to be 18 so I could watch violent movi… err… I mean, able to enter the club gym and use their equipments (then again, though I have already reached the age limit, I have never used the gym).

But during secondary school, I started to not want time to pass quickly anymore. Well, I guess one reason was because I dreaded to take the PMR and SPM exams then, tsk tsk, and then there were some group of friends that were so fun and I didn’t want to part from that class. Of course, there are still some reasons in which I wanted time to pass quickly like learning how to drive at 17 or going to college (or when classes are just so freaking boring), but it wasn’t that great of a feeling compared to the younger days. It was more like you are thinking: “aiyah, how good it is to be 17-18” but then after 30 seconds you forget about it and go on with the thing you were doing.

Hmmm, now that I think about it, perhaps the one reason why nowadays I always have this “don’t want time to pass by quickly” thought is because I don’t have anything to look forward to and distract me. During the schooling days, there are a lot of things to look forward too and you just want time to pass by like Saturday movie outings, class trips, getting by boring classes, hoping weekend comes to go to the cyber café, praying that tuition classes ends before the teacher finds out you are sleeping, youth camp, the long holidays, etc. Of course, occasionally there are times when you want time to stop like when you’re enjoying your term break and don’t want to go back to school again (or perhaps you want it to go by quickly so that you can meet your friends at school again, which I seldom have; miss friends, yes, but miss school? No way!) or at the end of the year during Christmas when you start thinking how a year has gone by so fast. With all the activities it leaves you no time to think about how time just goes by like that. Hmmm... hoping now that I can start doing those activities again so I won't need to keep thinking that I am old ha-ha!

Sigh… going to really miss the days when I could act foolish and actually not feel stupid. Now I must watch and makes sure I look mature enough so the younger kids won’t go “what kind of kor kor is this” (though I doubt I will be called kor kor though, maybe uncle seems more like it). That, and the fact that when I actually finish my treatment I need to start bearing many different responsibilities which I never wanted to. Whenever I see my friends studying so hard for university it makes me think: “Wah! Where are the good old days when we study only during the last second?” But then I remembered that we aren’t that kind of teens anymore, and have actually started to think more maturely. Ha-ha, not that it’s a bad thing, in fact that’s the attitude that everyone should have when they are still schooling, but it does make me feel how we have change. Maybe that’s what makes a youth anyway, people that makes all the dumb mistakes so you wouldn’t make them anymore *chuckle*. Sigh, being a kid sure is nice.

Thank God that at least this year I can stay at home and relax on my birthday! Last year I got admitted to the hospital on the very day it was my birthday. And the year before that I had a gum ulcer and couldn’t enjoy eating though it was my birthday then ha-ha!

Ah, then again, pill eating starts today, praying to God that I won’t be feeling that bad throughout the entire week. Oh, and thanks once again to everyone that wished me!

Finally, always wanted to say this to myself:

“Happy Birthday dude”

P.S: Thanks Darren for waking me up from my sweet sleep in the morning on my birthday! Nah, thanks for the call and greeting me all the way from UK, ha-ha.

Thanking God again...

Woooaaahhhhkaaaay……

Went to the doctor’s clinic on Wednesday with a heavy heart, thinking that it was going to be the start of three long terrible weeks, but somehow when I went there the doctor said that my white cell count was still too low to start eating the pills. Doctor said he doesn’t want me to get an infection, so it will be better not to start just yet.

Immediately the nauseous feeling I had when I went to the doctor disappeared…

The weather suddenly seemed so good…

I could hear the birds chirping oh so sweetly…

Alright, to get to the point, I was really happy! Though, I didn’t have another weeks break as the doctor asked me to start eating the pills on Monday (well, he didn’t pick the date, but asked me to choose one of the days… of course I chose the day in which I could delay the most) for around that time my white cell count should have went up to a safe level, still thank God for the gracious extra time that I could have to relax more! And there I was thinking it will never happen, so got to thank God twice as much for this precious grace ha-ha!

Now, I am starting to feel a little guilty for having so much time ‘off’ in suffering…

That… and having time off makes me worry a lot on how I am going to use my time wisely. Not that I have to plan real hard though, since I am still better left at home in order not to get an infection like the shingles that I had last time, but the mind still keeps thinking of ways to use it properly so that I won’t regret when Monday comes, when I can’t have so much freedom anymore in my daily activities, which I’ll start telling myself why I didn’t do this, or eat that, when I was still okay.

Bah… but who cares, guess I’ll just enjoy for now, and think later!

Jokingly saying a prayer...

Sigh… time just passes so quickly when you are enjoying yourself…

Last Wednesday I was supposed to start eating my chemotherapy pills, which I was in no way ready for. Just didn’t seem to have a long enough break before I start my ‘hard work’ of going through the side effects again. And if it’s just one week I wouldn’t mind, buy THREE!!! Gosh, that’s going to be real tough.

So, the night before that Wednesday, I was reading my e-mail and got a message from Pastor Siew Teng asking if I was available to play the bass guitar on Easter Sunday. I was like: “Ah, darn, last week when I was healthy and alright, I missed the chance to play the bass guitar for worship simply because I was too lazy to check my e-mail, and this week I’ll miss the chance to play again because I won’t feel too well after eating the pills.” Was feeling really disappointed then, but seeing that there isn’t anything that I can do, just decided to pray and go to sleep and be prepared to face tomorrow.

I prayed to God that the blood results would be good when I do my check up at the doctor’s tomorrow; that there wouldn’t be any scary news that I need to know; and that through God’s grace the side effects of the pills wouldn’t be too bad. And before I was going to end the prayer, I jokingly prayed to God that if it’s possible, please let me skip eating this pills for one week… and to make it look like a proper request I decided to tell God that I wanted to skip the pills so that I would be able to serve as the bassist for the coming Easter Worship.

And what do you know... to my surprise on Wednesday, as I had my check up with the doctor, he told me my white cell count was not good enough to start eating the pills just yet, and needed to wait for another week at least to let the white cells recover to normal. I was like… woah!!! Thank God for answering that request!!! Normally even with a low cell count the doctor would still sometimes ask me to go on in order to not delay the schedule. Then again, it really is ironic that just a few months ago I was praying so hard that my white cell count would go up just by 0.5 percent, and now I was celebrating because the white cell count was low, bah. Was really happy then, but apparently there’s was another girl there who also had leukemia and she needed a bone marrow transplant as the cancer cells was still present in her bone marrow even after going through chemotherapy. Mom shared the gospel to her that day and told her that in Christ there’s still hope… from what I’ve heard mom told me that she did receive Christ later on. Thank God for that too!

As I got back home that day feeling really happy since I’ve manage to escape eating the pills for another week, I kind of had the thought to skip the night’s Easter worship practice and just laze around at home instead. Yeah, talk about showing my gratitude to God. But then I remembered that though I did jokingly ask God for that favor, since God “seriously” did grant me that request, I will need to “seriously” fulfill my part of the deal too, ha-ha. It did make me think how fast we could actually forget about God’s grace and love.

With pill eating out of the way, I was able to go for the Good Friday service, the Saturday revival service and the Easter Sunday worship at ease. I was really amazed and impressed at how Pastor Chuah could get a backup sermon to preach for Good Friday when the invited speaker lost his way in Kuala Lumpur. Well, I did prepare my English oral presentation for college just 30 minutes before it actually started, but that was only for a less than 10 minute speech, but 1 hour plus? Me and the youths were joking that maybe he got the sermon well prepared from Wikipedia at the sermons section, ha-ha. The Saturday’s revival and Easter Sunday message was by the invited speaker and though his message for both occasions was about “vision” (not the kind where God talks to you in dreams, the other one) by looking through the disciple Peter, I learnt more about how the first few disciples followed Jesus instead (realized that Peter didn’t first met Jesus in the fishing boat incident, but was called by Andrew to meet Jesus first as stated in the book of John). The whole time I was flipping my bible between Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, just to know where he got the verses from and why did the pastor said that it was like that. Reminded me how much I still didn’t know about the bible. Ah! Though the Sunday Easter worship went well, I really need to improve my bass guitar again, as I was completely lost while playing two of the worship songs… thank God that no one really pays much attention to the bass guitarist anyways, ha-ha.

Alas, as I have said, when you are enjoying your time it just passes so quickly. And as I am writing this it’s already Wednesday. Don’t think I would be able to avoid eating the pills with any kind of excuse to the doctor, or God at that matter ha-ha. Guess I would only be able to pray that God would lessen, better yet take away the side effects, so that it would not mess up my daily activities.

Bah, and there I was thinking that only homework and assignments could be procrastinated. Thank God for the one week break, at least I feel more prepared to eat the pills.

Let the three long weeks begin! Oh yeah, and happy belated Easter, where Jesus has risen indeed!

P.S: Was editing my post while watching Manchester United thrashing A.S Roma, bet my elder brother is rolling on the floor with laughter now, ha-ha.

not so dizzy... yay!

When to the hospital last Monday for my chemotherapy treatment, though I really dread going there nowadays I didn’t thought too much about it then as I assume that the treatment was an easy one. Well that’s because I couldn’t remember what terrible side effect it gave me the last time I had it, in fact I couldn’t even remember I had when through this treatment till I reread my blog as I am typing this (http://forgiven-by-grace.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_archive.html , read it for treatment details). So, it was only when I reach the hospital where I suddenly had a hunch that this was the one that gave me the headache and dizziness that knock me out for a month. Tried reconfirming with my mom and ask her if it was during the World Cup season last year that I gone through this treatment and became very dizzy, but she said it wasn’t during that time… well she said her own journal didn’t recorded as what I have said and that made me even more confused. But I proof her wrong with my blog buahahaha! Then again, I always write my post late, sometimes even 1 month late from the day of treatment, so I don’t really know either, woops!

Though the dizziness could be countered by just lying flat on the bed, making it not as terrible as feeling nausea, it is terribly boring as I can’t do anything much except sleep (since I am already in bed) or playing the guitar blindly perhaps.

I was even more assured that I was going to get the dizziness when I got home from the hospital on Wednesday and had to sleep earlier than usual because if I don’t I was going to puke from the dizziness. And besides that, I got dizzy just by crossing the sea on ship- only that it’s my Warcraft character that was crossing the sea and not me in real life… talking about game realism.

That’s why I really thank God that even as Sunday came; I didn’t experience the terrible dizziness that made me unable to move and was able to go the church. Phew… thank God for His amazing grace, for not letting me suffer the boredom of not doing anything at home! Truth to be told, I still feel a little dizzy time after time, but that’s pale compared to the one I experienced before, at least this time it doesn’t affect my daily activities much.

Oh, and I realized that the dizziness and headache wasn’t caused by the LP procedure, in which I suspect it was the last time I had it, but by the 45 minutes white chemo-drug called cyclosamidite or something like that, well it sounded like that I guess, too lazy to go check, give me a comment if you really want to know. Easy to know as this dizziness only happens when I have this chemo, and not when I have the LP procedure, this means that I don’t need to be so afraid of the LP procedure anymore and try to lie down on the bed as long as possible in order to avoid this side-effect, phew.

I also realized that I don’t understand what my doctor wants. Well, he said that he’s going to knock me out completely with general anesthetic while he was going to do a prick to check my bone marrow, and he kept telling the nurse to make sure that this time I was completely out before he does it, as last time he didn’t do it. Well, I could feel the anesthetic drug going in, but I realized I still wasn’t completely sleeping yet, could hear voices from the doctor and see the nurse still standing beside and some student nurses trying to learn the procedure. The doctor was like: “Harh? Still not sleeping yet ah?” I thought he was going to give me another dosage of anesthetic, but I realized that he already prick me and close the wound with the bandage. I was like: “What the…” I was semi-awake then, and it was only during the LP procedure when the other doctor asked me if the procedure was painful or not, in which I replied yeah, and he said: “I thought last time you said not painful”… and after that I kind of knock out. Then again, no complaints as I couldn’t feel the pain already then and the main doctor said that this time the prick isn’t as painful like last time because he doesn’t need to go through the bone again or something like that (forgive me, was between sleeping and being awake then). It’s really weird… I can remember I was replying to the doctors, but I just simply can’t remember completely what I replied to them. The way I reply them was like how anyone would do it when they want to sleep longer while their mom is nagging them to wake up:

Mom: Boy ah, wake up!

Son: ughh….

Mom: What you want to eat for breakfast? Hot milo and half-boiled eggs?

Son: ….. give me half-boiled milo and hot eggs lah…

Mom: Harh?!!!

Son: aiyoh… the usual lah… ZZzzzzZZZ…

Yeah something like that.

This may sound weird though, but somehow I am starting to love general anesthetic. Not loving it as the kind that makes you go: “Woah, I am seeing colors… stars… am I in heaven?!!” but loving it because it really helps to pass the time while I am in the hospital. Yeah, the thought of having to drip the chemo for 24 hours is terrible and as the time passes I slowly feel like vomiting… ughhh, and having the anesthetic cuts the time like by 6-8 hours since I get knocked out. And as I am doing the LP procedure I don’t need to feel the pain from the local anesthetic injection which the dentist always say: “it’s only an ant bite” but you know you want to poke him with it to show the dentist how painful it actually is (okay, now I am starting to sound like a spoilt brat, well, the local anesthetic isn’t so painful lah, just exaggerating).

Ah, really thank God that the nausea’s gone as I am writing this and me not having the super dizziness. Really thank God also for protecting me all the way through the treatments, I just have one more chemo-treatment in the hospital and I should be off by then, which is comforting in a way ha-ha.

Then again, I am starting to get reeeaallllly lazy to study or do any work. But it’s still better than going through treatment I guess. =)

Gospel Camp 07...

Phew, thank God that I sign up to attend the Gospel Camp instead of staying at home all day long during the weekend. Was actually starting to regret when I found out that the camp was a week from the day I registered (well, six days since it was already Sunday then) and not two weeks apart which I thought it was as I needed time to cure from the nausea I was getting from the pills I was eating. But since I already paid the money before actually knowing it, I decided to just go for it as I was too lazy to ask for a refund or anything like that. Got to remind myself once again not to be so blur…

Well, really thank God again that it took only 2 days to recover from the nausea, which makes me think that maybe the nausea feeling is just all in the mind, for if I needed to do something of importance it kind of disappears faster, then again it may not be as there was one time when I followed my dad to KLCC to watch MI3, I spend most of my energy just trying to remember where the rubbish bins are so I could vomit in them if the nausea gets too bad (I remember I was thanking God that the rubbish bins weren’t the push to throw types but a big hole right on top, so I can vomit straight on it)… so maybe it was the fresh sea breeze that helped speed up the recovery. But to avoid all confusion and uncertainties, I say it was another of God’s miracle.

I made myself look like a social outcast in the camp as I didn’t join in any of the games, and I was too lazy (once again) to explain to the other people that didn’t know of my condition. There were some games that I know I could play, but I was afraid that there may be certain “accidents” that may happen (like a flying ball that came out of no where because someone doesn’t know he has Hercules’s strength) and cause a fatal blow to me. Besides that, I was literally burning from the sun though I was under the shade of a tree… makes me wonder how in the world am I going to play at the beach under the hot sun ever again. And though I was sitting down most of the time, I was as tired as those who played all the games all day long… in fact, I could actually feel my legs getting cramped… just by sitting down and not moving. Playing beach soccer barefooted wasn’t any good either; one good kick at the ball and my big toe was bleeding… I was about to ask what in the world happened to my body.

Then again, not being able to participate in most of the games wasn’t a problem at all, somehow I did not feel bored… not with all those whacky things that seems to be happening to the youths all the time and the lame talk about Daniel-lism and all (go figure). Not playing the games also meant that I was free from a lot of responsibility, which makes this camp more relaxing in a way. That… and also since I wasn’t ‘alright’ in a sense, the boys in my apartment actually let me have my own room, though honestly I feel really bad about it as it seems I am hogging all the space (though I know the reason they didn’t want to be in the room is because they wouldn’t be able to stay up late at night as I needed to sleep).

One thing that I really enjoyed in the camp was the fellowship with the youths and Sunday school students, or friends, I must say, as even until now the way I talk to them is very not teacher-like, plus the fact that my brother is among the gang which makes it impossible for me to talk to them like how a teacher does. Can’t imagine how the teachers who have a 2-3 years age gap teach without feeling like one of his/her students. Having fellowship with friends is fun, though for me the ‘fun’ was greatly enhanced due to the fact that I seldom have such company.

I must admit though, I was completely clueless about the message during the camp ha-ha. Really wanted to use the excuse that I was sleepy and tired so I couldn’t hear the message but then it wasn’t like that at all… to me it seems like the message on the second and third day didn’t seem to connect, but maybe that’s just me, was cracking my head all day long just trying to figure that out till I decided to just put it aside and ask the other youths during the next meeting to save myself the trouble.

Though there is one thing that I really learn, and that is being a Christian really isn’t an easy task. I’ll be totally honest and say that at first it was hard trying to mix around with the outsiders, it’s like hard for me not to keep an eye on them and go “what the heck are doing?” But as a Christian, God says that we ought to love everyone (and not to judge them too) and not just our own group of people, meaning that we must go out of our comfort zone to mix around with the others as well. Didn’t do too well in that I must say, but thank God for the opportunity that came up for me to interact with the outsiders and get to know them. Hope when I get better I actually take the effort to have fellowship with the new comers instead of just hanging out with my circle of friends all the time.

It really has been awhile since the time I went to the beach and as I see the endless sea and the bright blue sky above it, I was really glad that I came. It isn’t a new or rare sight of the beach though, but then it really amazes me how God shaped the earth and all… so perfectly I must add. And just like what Daniel and I were talking during one of our lame jokes conversation: …and God saw that what He made was good… real good~

Another day...

Good news: Don’t need to go to the hospital, able to stay at home longer after Chinese New Year. Woo hoo!

Bad news : Got to eat chemotherapy pills for one week. Ugghh…..

Well, I thank God that at least this time around I didn’t actually throw up after food, allowing me to eat normally and not restricting the things I can do in a day, but it is still making me nausea and tire easily which is bothering me in a way. I don’t know if it’s the pills that give me these nauseas side effect or perhaps my fear of it which makes me chill to my spine whenever I just think of the pills or the smell of it. Not to forget, the pills are giving me freaking weird nightmares, can’t say ‘dreams’ as I hardly get one that is pleasant, well maybe just 5 percent of it is.

At least it’s only for 1 week this time… but to my horror when my chemotherapy treatment ends I got to eat it for at least 18 months. Trying to figure out ways to survive through that ha-ha, especially since I won’t be able to slack like how I am doing right now by then. One comfort that I have is that the terrible side effects of the pill lessens for each pill eating session I take (I think this is the fourth), praying to God that by the time I am released it wouldn’t be much of a problem anymore. Well, the doctor also did say that most of the patients didn’t have many complaints when they took it after their treatment end, so I guess that’s another comfort too.

About the nightmares, the 5 percent that was pleasant reminds me of God’s saving grace through Jesus Christ. I don’t know how Jackie Chan appeared in my dream and had a connection with that, but when I woke up it kind of reminded me that despite us being so sinful and unworthy, and God could just zap us from the face of the earth for He hates sin, yet He still love us and sent Jesus Christ to redeem us, forgiving our sins just like that and allowing us to enter His throne of grace so freely.

Trying to force myself to think that I have only 2 more days of pill eating left from today, for if I remind myself about the 18 months more to go, it will definitely wear me out even before the battle begin.

*

As I have mentioned, the side effects of the pills weren’t so bad this time, so I managed to drag myself to Midvalley to go shopping with my mom. Of course they were the occasional “want to vomit” signs as I walk around, but thank God all of them were controllable.

Well, this is the first time since I got admitted to the hospital that I actually do some serious shopping. Though mom occasional did ask me if I want to go shopping last year I mostly turn her offer down due to the fact that I realized there’s no point in buying new clothes and all, like I have the chance to wear them in the hospital ha-ha.

Going shopping today was refreshing to say the least; it’s something I haven’t done for a long time, though of course it did remind me of all the hassles about shopping, like picking your size for the clothes you want etc. Thank God that at least the designers were smart enough to design ‘what you call it’---- in-built strings around your waist that act like belts (I have no idea what you call it) --- for pants so that you don’t really need to buy pants that are exactly your size as you can just tighten them with the ‘strings’ if it’s too lose. That saves like a whole 5 minutes in choosing the pants you like (yes 5 minutes in shopping is a lot), and if you don’t have the size of your pants… who cares??? Just tighten them and off you go!

Another plus was due to fact that since today wasn’t a public holiday, and most schools are having exam, the mall was really quiet… something that most people couldn’t enjoy nowadays as all the students seems to flock endlessly to all the shopping malls whenever they have nothing to do, and most of the time they have nothing to do. What happened to the days when the cinema actually belongs to you and your friends alone? Having less people meant that you could enjoy buying your stuff like the place belongs to you, no queuing up at dressing rooms, counters, or trying to grab a shirt inside a mob, man this is the life!

Then I went to the sports shop at the top floor of Midvalley to buy new shoes in order to replace my 2 year old one. There was this like SMS contest where if you manage to answer the questions given correctly you will be able to get a 20 percent discount on the items in the shop and the sales girl asked us to join it as it’s really easy. Hmm… how easy? Most of the time these contest are just a con to waste your phone credit (One message cost a Ringgit). But as my phone credit worth is more than my handphone I decided not to think twice and just followed the instructions that the sales girl was saying to enter the contest:

Sales girl: Tekan… *something* dan *something*…

Me : Oh... send ah?

Sales girl: Yeah send…

Me : (Beep!) Oh, got reply…

(There was a question… I think, I couldn’t even read the message and before I could work my mind to think what the answer is to the question or perhaps what the message was… she asked me to let her see the message)

Sales girl: (Looks at the message) Okay, sekarang tekan *something B*, *something C*…

Me : (Thinking in mind) Wah can trust her or not wan, maybe she just wants to waste my money, I haven’t read the question man…

(Being so easily tired from the pills I decided to play the just listen and do roll and type the stuff requested)

Me : (Beep!) Ada message lagi…

(Shows her the message on the phone again)

Sales girl: Boss!!! Motorola Z3 apa model?

(I think the boss told her Rzor, but later I realized the answer to that question was on the contest promotion sheet as well)

Sales girl: Okay sekarang tekan, ini ini ini…

Me : Oh… (beep!)

Sales girl: Okay, sudah ada discount, pergi beri cashier tengok…

Woah, okay, so by wasting 3 bucks I saved 40 bucks… not too bad eh, and I am in the running for a Motorola handphone, some goodies and unlimited free Coke for a year. What surprised me is how come the shop staff just gave the answers so freely like that? They want to fully utilize the contest sponsors money is it?

And I finally manage to buy an overdrive pedal as I went to Midvalley to make myself look more “pro” when using the guitar, as I still have almost to none knowledge of how to fully utilize it. Though it was embarrassing that a less than 2 minutes set up of the pedal took me more than 15 minutes due to the fact that I put the input and output cables wrongly. Not too bright for a PA personal in church eh?

Ha-ha, all in all, was really glad that I was able to do some “normal” stuff after a long time, thank God for giving me this privilege to go out.

Chinese New Year Post...

Woah kay, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! Though I can’t really feel the holiday ‘feel’ due to the fact that I totally lost track of time since going through treatment (the reason will be explained later in this post), yet I must say this few days spending at home has been really enjoyable.

Hmm… it’s been a week plus a few days since I got discharged from the hospital, didn’t update sooner as like I said, was too engross on enjoying my time at home. God has been really GOOD!

I really thank God for lots of things. First of all would be the fact that I didn’t get the sore mouth side effects. During my treatment at the hospital I was going “Oh No!” as I felt the mouth cell lining slowly deteriorating, meaning that sooner or later it will start bleeding and it’s going to be really painful. Thank God that as I got discharged and stayed at home the sores didn’t appear, and because of that I could really relax and enjoy my time at home. Besides that, need to thank God that the nausea didn’t lasted for weeks like last time but only just a few days since the time I got discharged. Without those two side effects it meant that I could eat anything to my hearts content… Ah, what joy of eating unlimited food…

Don’t know why though, but whenever I have the second round of yellow chemo, the side effects won’t be as severe as the first. The last time I had the yellow chemo it was the same thing, terrible the first time, not too bad the second time around. Hmm… but the doctor usually reduce the dosage of the chemo whenever I take it the second time because he says it’s too much for me to handle, and if he uses the same dosage I might get knockout instantly.

Then again, maybe the doctor did not intend to reduce the yellow chemo dosage this time but he did so anyway because he got the wrong blood report.

Yeah… wrong blood report…… WHAT IN THE WORLD???

It is freaking scary to know that there are mistake like this made in the hospital. This time though, I cannot say it’s the doctors fault for the person who produce my blood report was at wrong. Instead of faxing the latest blood report to the doctor, he gave him the previous one instead… the one where I was admitted to the hospital because of the low platelet count and all (no wonder the count looks so familiar). So, obviously my blood count would be lower than normal as that blood test was taken right before I was discharged from the low platelet count incident. Because of the low count, he decided to give me a lower dosage just in case my body collapses as it is too weak.

Well, it was only much later that the blood report dude or dude-dess realized his/her mistake and fax the doctor the latest report, which reported that my blood count was like any average guy. But since I was already undergoing the yellow chemo on the bed, the doctor just told me that it was alright. If he told me that I need to do another chemo, I would have definitely gone berserk there and then, as I really dread that chemo which lasted for a day. Just thinking of it makes me want to vomit.

So, that may be a good thing as perhaps of the low dosage I didn’t get the side effects as bad as before or maybe it was because I had more pholinic acid (don’t know how to spell ha-ha) which prevents the side effect; then again it may be bad as a lower dosage may mean that the chemo will not be doing what it is suppose to do at it’s best with that kind of dosage. Whichever the case, I guess it’s up to God’s grace in the end. Despite the fact that there may be many different reasons on why the side effect wasn’t so bad this time, I know one thing for sure -- it is definitely due to God’s grace that I didn’t need to suffer the side effects so badly this time, and it is only by His grace that I hope the low chemo will not jeopardize the treatment.

*

So… why did I say I don’t feel the holiday ‘feel’ anymore? Basically since I don’t go to work or school or have any responsibilities (except going back to the hospital on due time and eating the right number of pills everyday), everyday becomes the same day to me, everyday IS a holiday, and that made me completely lost in time somehow; maybe besides Sunday when I have to go for church and later to my grandmother’s house for dinner that I break my routine every once in a while. Of course, if somehow someone can trade his school time with me and I trade my treatment time to him I would definitely agree, going through chemo is just not worth for all those holidays, ha-ha. Some may say that having a super long holiday may seem super bored, but to me, being able to have a holiday at home and not going to the hospital is already more than enough, so I never get bored, as it is much better than going there.

Getting lost in time also made me feel that somehow I am still 18, and it seems like I haven’t grown matured at all as I have lost contact of the world since I stayed indoors most of the time. Yeah, you may say that I can go online and read about the latest hype around, but reading and actually seeing it outside with your own eyes is two very different things. To me, it seems like I am still stuck in time, that the holiday I am having after college and before university seems to be just very long.

*

Ah, but I must say it was pleasant today as I was healthy and strong enough to play DoTA at a cyber café (yeah, who said you only must be strong and healthy to play sports and not computer games) with my younger bro, Zhi-Yong, Noel, and Daniel, and winning all the matches with all of us being in one team. It’s been a year plus since I entered one, as most of the time I will pass out on the offer being too tired all the time from the treatment. Playing today reminds me of the times during college where me and my classmates go for our “club” where our sole activity was playing at the cyber café every Friday after lessons. Saying that it was a “club” was a good idea as it allows us to escape all those talks about stress, managing time, BGR (by telling our teacher we have club activities) which was always held on Friday in college somehow and which our homeroom teacher kept encouraging us to attend till we got afraid of it. Though our ‘club’ did attend one of the talks at the end, as I think back I feel really guilty for not attending the other talks due to our “club”.

Ha-ha, but then again, it seems like we are pretty sad people who plays DoTA during Chinese New Year and not spending it visiting our relatives of friends… hmmm… or maybe since we are playing together it is like having some sort of fellowship… though most of the time we go:

BACK BACK! B LAH!

ATTACK LAH, DUN SCARE, ATTACK!

STUN LAH, WHY DUN WANT STUN!

FASTER SPIN FASTER SPIN! WHERE YOU SPINNING TO! … haiyoh….

ZUES! ZAP! WRATH! SHOOT LIGHTNING! DO SOMETHING!!!!

WHY U KS?!!!!

[Hero’s Name] MISSING!!!!!

DUN RUN LAH WHY U SO CHICKEN?

Yeah, I guess there isn’t much conversation at all ha-ha… still we had a really fun time I guess, woot!

Deja Vu...

Have you ever had that feeling where the things that are happening around you reminds you that something bad would inevitably happen?

I did.

Around 3 in the morning on Sunday, I had this same migraine feeling which I had before I was admitted to the hospital for leukemia. The funny thing of this migraine is that it does not get better even if you try to sleep. In fact, you won’t be able to sleep, but keep tossing and turning with the pain on one side of your head. And once or twice when I did manage to sleep, nightmares and dreams kept bombarding me till I awaken once again.

Because of the lack of rest, I decided to stay home and sleep, and couldn’t go to church… thinking that perhaps when I wake up in the afternoon I would feel much better. But it didn’t.

It was exactly like what happened to me during the time I already had leukemia during early December, but haven’t been diagnosed with it yet. Then it was also a Sunday, had the same migraine that couldn’t go away with sleep, so I took Panadols as a desperate measure to get some rest as in the morning I had lots to do at church. Drag myself out of bed around 8 in the morning as I needed to go for Sunday school worship practice, but realized that after playing for the actual worship I cannot take the pain anymore and decided to go home and rest despite the fact that I needed to play the bass for English Worship later (the advantage of playing the bass guitar, you can come and go as you please ha-ha, unlike the pianist).

Well, the pain did not go away then too, even when I slept through the whole afternoon. The pain from the migraine only went away around midnight, almost a whole 20 hours plus when I first got the headache. And that’s not all, even when the pain goes away; I actually still feel something at the part where the head aches during the migraine, as if the migraine can come back anytime to haunt you.

So on Tuesday when I visited the doctor for a check up, I was kind of worried and started to pray to God that everything would turn out okay. The whole same symptoms happening again thingy keeps reminding me that maybe I had a relapse. If last time I had these symptoms and was later diagnosed with leukemia, why can’t it happen again?

Even in the doctor’s clinic, all wasn’t going well. The nurse tried to draw my blood through my left hand but couldn’t seem to do so even though she did inject the needle to the vein. Tried the right hand, same thing… so the only way to draw some blood out was to press my arm like some kind of pump, where each press I could see a few drops of blood going in the injection… crazy. After a few presses, thank God that at least enough drop of blood was taken to be able to do a blood test.

When the blood test report came by fax to the doctor, I (and the doctor) was kind of shocked that my blood platelet was only at a count of 7. The last time when I was first admitted to the hospital my blood platelet count was 8, which would mean this was way worst. Darn, I was starting to feel really scared then, please don’t tell me it’s a relapse.

Now that explains why a simple scratch wound that I had couldn’t stop bleeding for like 5 minutes, and the many internal bleedings all over my back and hands, and the wound inside my nose that can’t seem to heal up right, and I was feeling cold always. The doctor immediately issued me to be admitted into the hospital to get some platelet transfusion before I bleed myself to death. I was really frustrated in the beginning as I really didn’t want to stay in the hospital so soon again. But now after staying for 3 nights in the hospital, I really thank God that I was admitted, for if I don’t, firstly I can actually get knock out with the fact that I couldn’t heal up my wounds and secondly, in the hospital the doctor gave me more folinic acid injection which helped my mouth sores to be healed more quickly, giving me more relief with less pain in my mouth.

And it wasn’t all that bad, when I was admitted my elder cousin Ju Xing actually came to visit me. It was a surprise as I didn’t know he was on a holiday break from studying in England. Well, we manage to have a great chat and that seemed to lift up my spirits.

But the relief only came when the doctor check up on me again in the afternoon on the day I was admitted. He explained to me the whole situation and at the end of it, I asked him if it was a relapse or does it in anyway point to that direction. Thank God he said it’s none of that, and the cause of the blood platelet dropping was because of the chemotherapy I had 2 weeks ago. Poof! Suddenly a huge burden seems to be lifted from me, for somehow most of the time, the hunches I get mostly comes true… and this was one time I hoped it wasn’t ha-ha.

Thank God for His grace and mercy once again.

*By the time I got home and post this it has already been 5 nights, couldn’t get an internet line in the hospital ha-ha. Well, honestly speaking, was again really really frustrated by the fact that I can’t go home sooner, but I always try to remember that the Lord has His way in the thing He does. When trying to learn patience, God puts you in a situation where you need to be patience, so that you’ll really learn.

Ouchies...

The things that happened last week:

I think it was a Tuesday, when elder brother got home quite late that night and seemed to be more pissed off compared to whenever Manchester United loss a game. Well, he did have a reason to be so pissed off; someone broke in his car when he went to 1-Utama. Though it was a big commotion, somehow I still was too lazy to actually see how the thief broke the back windows of the X-Trail and stole my brother’s schoolbag and laptop bag, so I have no idea how damaged the car was (hmm… in fact even after a week I have no idea how the car looks like after the repairs, haven’t gone out the house since I got back from the hospital). Well, thank God that the car wasn’t stolen at the least… when brother said that his car got broken into, I was like: “You mean they stole the freaking whole car?”

Well, despite the seriousness of the whole matter, it reminds me of the time when teacher Derek called when a thief also stole his laptop from his car:

(Can’t really remember the exact conversation, but this was what I thought I heard)

Teacher Derek: Ju Liang, today my car got broken in two…

Me: WHAT? BROKEN IN TWO?

Teacher Derek: (in a calm, serious voice) Yeah, broken in two.

Me: My goodness!

(In my mind I was thinking… how in the world can he survive an accident where his car has broken in two, and better yet, with no injuries and acting so calmly)

(Just before I open my mouth to utter something to make myself looks so foolish…)

Teacher Derek: Yeah, a thief broke into my car and stole my laptop; I was hoping you have a spare laptop which I can borrow. (I think it was something like that…)

Me: Oh? Errr… wait ah I go check first…

Well, if I remembered correctly Daniel Mok also said that he was thinking about the same thing when teacher Derek called him for this matter.

Nevertheless, really thank God that at least brother wasn’t harm then, or the car was stolen, otherwise it could be way worst.

*

Well, I said that I did not come out from my house since I came back from the hospital, not because I am some World of Warcraft geek who has no life and play online games till my character becomes all powerful and mighty (see the South Park: World of Warcraft episode to know what I mean) but mainly because of my nausea and now my mouth sores which prevents me from going outside. Really thank God that the nausea feeling when away around the middle of the week, but that was when the mouth sores started to appear too. Still I must thank God as though the mouth sores hurt like needles poking all over your lips and mouth, yet compared to feeling nausea at least I can eat and move around more freely, though it is kind of hard to enjoy eating with that kind of pain.

The mouth sores are caused by the body not being able to regenerate the cell linings of the mouth, as the yellow chemo I was taking somehow destroys it too. And since there are no cells, it bleeds and can’t heal… really nasty sight when I wake up in the morning as it seems like I have put dark red lipsticks, only that the dark red colour is actually my own dry blood.

Guess I still have to wait a little longer before I could “enjoy” eating the food that I crave.

Another thing that I must thank God for would be the itchiness fading away. Somehow this time around it was like the blue chemo, whenever I scratch my skin I will have internal bleeding, which caused the whole back of my body looking really nasty with dark patches everywhere. At first I didn’t know how serious it was, but later I got to know that it was so bad till my younger brother thinks that my whole body looks like someone who just survived a war. At least now the dark patches seem to be slowing fading away.

Then again, at least there’s something to look forward to. With this chemo down, there’s just another 3 more to go, and I can finally have some sweet rest. Praying to God that all goes well now.

3rd Yellow chemo...

Just got back home today and although I have already said this one too many times, but still I am going to say it again… there’s no where better in the world than home.

Staying in the hospital for the past 4 nights was terrible, although I must admit it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, and I have God to thank for that. Still, the fact that the chemotherapy treatment this time around last 24 hours really is a torture, and the thought that I must go through this whole treatment in another 2 weeks or so is down right disappointing. This yellow chemo is the cause of all my nausea (starting from this chemo last year, I always felt nausea whenever I go for a treatment), and it really is frustrating as it keeps making me want to vomit; I am hungry but I can’t eat the food that I want as I cannot digest the food properly and the fear of throwing up keeps haunting me; sleeping isn’t all that good either as dreams will keep disturbing me and a slight disturbance in the room would make me awake and I need to go through all the trouble to force myself to sleep again.

Well, I really thank God for being able to stay at home as in the hospital I feel totally “trap” due to the fact that I am constantly on drips. Really troublesome as going to the toilet to throw up or do my business becomes really a hassle. At home the air seems fresher; a burden seems to be lifted up from me; and the best part would be there wouldn’t be any nurses or hospital staff who would disturb me while I am asleep.

Then again, suffering isn’t all that bad of a thing. It allows me to cherish and thank God for the many little things in life. For example: I really thank God during the times when I could actually eat food without fear of throwing up and also thank God for the times when I could just sleep so easily when I am tired unlike now. If I am healthy, who cares about those kind of stuff? It’s something so common and normal for most people anyway. And most of the time I take those simple stuff for granted, for instance: preferring to sleep really late at night when I could sleep early.

Ah, now I just hope that God would cure my nausea as fast as possible, as I really want to eat something tasty before I go back in the hospital again. Nando’s Chicken, KFC and pan mee ‘gon lou’ are the few food that I must try before I reenter the hospital. Drooling now, but sigh, can’t eat any as if I throw up while eating those food I will have a phobia of them forever.

Still, thank God for everything!

Christmas

Hmm… woah kay, so I finally finish writing up my November so called report, it’s really long, and I bet there’s many errors in it and a whole lot of fine details missing, don’t bother reading if it’s too troublesome (I know I won’t when it reaches that long), it’s just something for me to jot down so I could remember them next time.

Really glad that this time around I could actually enjoy the Christmas celebration and not be at the hospital, but then again, somehow I couldn’t have the Christmas ‘feel’ that I used to have last time. Maybe that’s because I wasn’t serving and being too involved in the church because of my condition, and couldn’t feel all the buzz like I used too. Which reminds me that maybe my previous Christmases were perhaps too engross in activities such as camps, caroling and the like that I forgot that Christmas is about thanking God for sending Jesus and not having the ‘feel’ from the activities and busyness. Or perhaps this is just another of my senseless ramblings.

Ah, I somehow realized that in everything I do I am always one step slower (or perhaps I just don’t take the initiative to do things faster or at least on time), and this is how I am going to prove it:

“MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS!!!”