Sunday, May 13, 2007

64 pills later...

Gosh… I can’t believe that it already has been near to a month since I last updated. Didn’t realized it at all as time seems to move really slowly at times, and really fast when I am enjoying myself.

After my birthday, which was a Monday, I started eating the pills that I oh-so-dread, and it did not turn out too well as on the first day itself I puked from the 12 pills I was taking. Was eating the pills 2 at a time and I guess the over dosage of water drank plus the horrific thought of what it can do to me for the next few days made me nauseous and vomited not long after I gulp in my last 2 pills. Thank God that it wasn’t the kind where you throw out every junk from your stomach but it was just the liquid that came out, as I needed to do the horrendous task of searching through it to make sure I didn’t vomited the pills out in anyway. Though it still troubles me as me thinks the pills have dissolved into the water, but NO WAY was I going to retake the pills for that week. So I just presumed that the pills did not come out… and that the pills have a plus minus error like that of the answers from our graph’s calculations, so minus a few dosage wouldn’t matter, just to comfort myself.

But for those who are starting to think: “Ju Liang, you shouldn’t do that, what if it jeopardizes your treatment??!!” Take heart, as first of all I have no idea how many ‘dosage’ of pills I have vomited out, and I, without the proper apparatus at home can’t measure it through the pile of liquid in front me (and I don’t think anyone would want to do that anyway). And if I take anymore of what I have consume it may jeopardize my life instead as the pills are highly toxic.

Of course I started to feel groggy and nauseous but on that Thursday it became unbearable. I couldn’t move out of bed as it makes me feel seasick, even though I was firmly on land it seems like I was in a rocking boat with tidal waves all around me, and the only way to make me feel not too sick was to lie down in bed. But that wasn’t helping too much either. It kinds of reminds me about the time where I got that serious headache and dizziness from the chemotherapy during World Cup last year, only difference is… I have zero appetite at night as I was sure that one bite of anything will definitely make me puke. Thank God once again that I could actually feel hungry for lunch, therefore not depriving me of any nutrition at all.

Tried calling the doctor, but he was away at Lisbon for a doctor’s meeting, so I have no idea what I should do. Thinking that it may be a one off thingy I decided to give a few days for it to go off. But after 4 days I realized that if it continued I was going to die from the suffering, and followed my mom’s decision to see the doctor the next day instead of being macho. I even decided to stop eating the daily pills on my on accord.

Well, despite the doctor being in Lisbon there’s still the substitute doctor, who was a lung specialist. Huh? What does lungs have anything to do with leukemia?? Well, apparently since this doctor also looks at lung cancer patients, chemotherapy isn’t a problem to him. So I went to him on Monday, told him my situation, and explained to him that I didn’t eat the pills because I couldn’t take it anymore. At first I thought I was going to see the doctor shake his head in dismay, and start lecturing me on why I stopped eating the pills without any doctor’s order or anything like that. But the ‘botak’ doctor just smiled and said: “You did the right thing.” Woah! I was really relieved then. According to him, the 12 pills that I was taking were highly toxic, and he was actually starting to wonder why my doctor prescribed me that many pills per week, in which I blurry said “…because that’s what I take most of the time during the other treatments.”

He did an examination on me and realized that nothing was amiss, so it could be an overdosed. One thing I did notice though, that this doctor was “pro” at taking blood. I was looking away a sec, and when I turn around I found out he draw one whole tube of blood from me, without me noticing much of anything. Normally the amount of blood taken by the nurse at my usual doctor was only like 5-10% of the tube, and there were times when she couldn’t draw the blood that I must suffer the pain of her re-poking to find the vein, and it took so long of and ordeal just to get that small amount of blood.

At the end of the check-up, and after consulting with my doctor through the phone, the botak doctor prescribed me some anti-vomiting pills and asked me to stop eating the pills till my main doctor comes back on Wednesday, where he will have a look at it himself. Well, I didn’t touch the anti-vomiting pills at all as back then I was too afraid to eat any pills anymore. And thankfully, I was starting to feel better once I stopped eating the pills, and for once I can say it wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me.

Time suddenly just speed up when I was feeling much better and it was the day for the check-up. The doctor said that the pills couldn’t be stopped as it is very important in the protocol and must be retaken on that day itself (boy I wish I didn’t heard that), but in order to know which pills were the ones that was causing the overdose, the doctor asked me to eat the 12 pills only next week, while I cut down to one pill daily instead of the usual 2. Well, thank God again that the doctor actually gave me a day’s grace before eating the pills. I wanted that break so I could watch the Champions League match that night, ha-ha, before feeling sick all over again. Though now that I think about it, I think I never watched any match then, or perhaps completely watched any match as I was still weak from the over dosage.

Surprisingly, cutting short by one pill could make a world of difference. Despite the fact that I still have that “want to puke” thought whenever I just think about the pills, I couldn’t feel much of the nauseous effect after taking it, and was able to go on and do whatever I was doing. Really thank God for His grace and mercy as I cannot imagine how am I going to go through another 2 weeks of that uber-suffering. Especially when it was only just the week before where I almost felt like dying just by eating pills, and there I was eating the same pills again.

I couldn’t say much about the 12 pills though, as after taking that it makes me quite nauseous and really tired. So tired that it makes me want to sleep right after I have taken those pills, but I learnt the hard way that if I actually slept immediately I would suffer twice as hard when I awake during midnight. And those pills would gave me a night or two of constant dreams (around 5 per sleep), not those sweet dreams, but dreams about things that bugs you the most (I’ll leave that to your own imagination). The frustration makes you all worked up that you felt like you haven’t slept at all. Guess when I go back for the next check-up with the doctor I got to go negotiate about reducing the amount of pills from 12.

The 3 weeks of pill eating became to 4 weeks because of the delay. At first I thought that it was a set 3 weeks in which I eat the pills, and what was gone… was gone and didn’t need to replace the days I missed eating the pills. But when I called the doctor just last week I found out that I had to eat the 12 pills once each three weeks. Thus, since I skipped one of the weeks I got to replace it. And once I have started eating the 12 pills I’ve got to eat the daily pills for a whole week without fail…ughhh… not what I have expected and that got me really frustrated.

Ah, but one comforting thing would be that the pill eating would be done by today night, just one more to go. Not feeling too good though as I am writing this for I am feeling quite nauseous… hmm something I ate perhaps? Praying hard to God that the doctor would give me at least one weeks break before the grand finale, for I really need a rest before the next one. Well, if it doesn’t goes as planned, I guess it just makes the final treatment ends faster, which is also a good thing, better to just get over it then fret about it. Hoping the final one isn’t too hard to bear too.

Oh yeah, and guess when morning comes in a few hours time I got to wish mom “Happy Mother’s Day”. Don’t really know how to thank her, especially since she have sacrificed so much time taking care of me during the time I was in the hospital, and even besides that she has selflessly taken care of me all the years.

So, if you somehow manage to read this post on Sunday and forgotten to wish your mom that, you better do it now!

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