Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Back home again ^_^

Ughh, each treatment seems to become even harder instead of easier, opposite of what the doctor said, that's why never trust them, ha-ha!

I vomited so much that i kinda lost count of how many times i vomited already. And the worst part of the treatment this time is that i can't seem to cancel of the suffering effect. Last time if i get a fever or sore somewhere i just need to suffer maybe 30 minutes to try to force myself to sleep, and once that is done, i can like, you know, forget most of the stuff since you are sleeping, sort of like natural pain-killers. But this nausea and vomiting thingy will make me stay awake, as somehow after a few hours of sleeping (usually just 2 hours) my stomach will start to make me feel so uncomfortable that i got to wake up, and when i wake up that means, uh-oh, vomit time. Ah, sleeping is such a joy given by God i must say.

That's why i got readmitted again on Friday even though i came out on, err, Monday was it? Scared that i get dehydrated because of vomiting and i was feeling really really uncomfortable.

Well, the mouth sore also seem to be more scary than last time, whole lips and the skins in the mouth were bleeding, and i was virtually swallowing saliva (plus blood) every now and then when i sleep, as it keeps coming out because of the sore. Thank God though, that there weren't any infections on the tongue, otherwise i would never be able to eat anything with the ulcers on my tongue.

Ah, but thank the almighty Lord that i am able to come home today and feel much better, finally manage to eat a "proper" meal, too! (now i really want to eat McDonalds and KFC, or maybe roti canai perhaps). Hope that the doctor would postpone my next treatment as i really need some rest and i hope to attend the church 30th anniversary too keke.

Hm mm, at least i manage to watch 'The Incredibles' when i was in the hospital ha-ha, miss that movie last time in the cinemas. God's many blessings i guess keke.


Monday, April 17, 2006

Happy Easter!

Ughh, wasn't feeling so well today...

The yellow chemo-drug, according to the doctor, isn't as strong as what i had during the 2nd treatment. That's true in a way that it doesn't effect my white blood cell count much, but untrue as it totally took away my appetite, gave me a slight fever, and made me vomit for the first time during chemotherapy.

Guess that means the after effect isn't strong, but the instant effect really killed me somehow.

That's why after 24 hours when the chemo-drug has completed me and my mom were singing: "Hallelujah, Jesus is Alive!". Well, firstly it's because it is a relieve to be off that drug and secondly it's Easter day after all, Jesus resurrection, He's alive! And He lives in ME!

Had this really weird dream about needing to pay RM 40 just to sleep at a certain kind of position and pay another 20 bucks for some sort of add-on comfort, most probably that's what happen when your brain goes haywire because of the fever.

Still feeling a little bit nausea and feel like vomiting every now and then. Hope i would be able to recover by morning so i would be able to eat something at least, been fasting for a day now as i couldn't eat anything. But as for now, thank you God for His grace and mercy that allowed me to pass by another day.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

One year older!

Eh, okay, entered back to the hospital again for my 4th treatment, another 14 left to go and that would be another 41 more weeks till the protocol completes. Waiting for the day to say: "It is FINISH!" Hahaha!

Well, the good thing about this treatment is that it takes a minimum of 4 days if everything goes according to plan, and err more if something unexpected happens. Thank God for the short amount of time i need to stay at the hospital as this chemo-drug will not make my white blood cell drop too drastically, which is a good thing. The only scary thing is that it will effect my mouth quite a bit as it destroy certain tissues and most of it are around the mouth area, that means more mouth sores and inflammation if i am not careful, but if everything goes well by God's grace then woo hoo, could be able to be home by Tuesday!

So as for now, i am going to have this yellow chemo-drug dripping into me for 24 hours and the subsequent days the doctor will fill me with some , erm, vitamins... i think, to counter the mouth sores and prevent inflammation.

Some may say is not such a great thing to celebrate a birthday at the hospital, but still i think God is good keke. Well, i was born at the hospital and so is everyone else, and it would be good for me to once in awhile visit my birth place, although i was born in Tung Shin i think, but oh well haha it's still a hospital. And last year during my birthday i had a gum infection and couldn't eat stuff, so did not celebrate either (but at least i got to visit Wilson's dental clinic at least once to check on the infection before he left to England). And at least this time around i was able to celebrate my birthday with my relatives last Thursday and eat a cake keke.

Anyways, thanks to all my friends who send their birthday greetings to me and not to forget all the encouragement and prayers as well. It is really great to see that the Lord has gave me brother and sister in-Christ like you guys.

And to myself, Happy Birthday dude! You're 19 this year, keke. Normally i would go arghh! I am getting old! But as for now, really thank God for another great year and for all the past years He has been with me, taking care of me and never leaving me till the end of days.


Thursday, April 13, 2006

Faith in Christ, is the way to heaven (not related to topic, but it's related to life though haha)

Alright, i have a confession to make, well, it is true that i get tired rather easily these few days as my body is recovering and restoring the cells that were destroyed during chemotherapy, but that's not the reason why i took a long time to update my blog. The real reason why i took so long to update my blog is because there's just too many games to play at home ha-ha, and it made me lazy to write my blog again! Then again it's a sign that i am restoring back to normal, but i guess i better focus on things that are more important in life, 'things that build up treasure in heaven', as they say, keke!

Really thank God for the four weeks break (although half-way i went back to the hospital for 2 days to do a bone marrow and LP procedure) that i could have to rest and relax at home instead of being in the hospital, somehow going there gives me an eerie feeling. There is no place like home as they say.

Funny, i have been to the hospital and have countless injections and needles poking through my skin, but yet somehow every time i return to the hospital for treatment i still dread that needle going through me. Not that it hurt much, as the pain fades away rather quickly, but it's just that the time waiting for the needle to poke through me seems very errr scary, i could say? Is like when the nurse comes in and start wiping my skin with alcohol swabs, getting ready to put in a needle through my chemo-pod, that's the part i dread most, but after when i feel the needle going through me, then it's like, oh, no so painful after all, haha. Well, thank God for the not-so-painful part, otherwise i am going to have nightmares everyday.

And lately, i don't know why, but somehow i always dream about stuff that have something to do with studies, and somehow it all seems like a nightmare. Well, there was this dream that i somehow went back to Catholic High School, most probably to study form 6. Most of my classmates seems to be my previous old school friends, errr, not that i am afraid of them, but somehow the teachers and the assignments they gave us in my dream seems to freak me out. Maybe i got too use to 'not doing homework' that doing some school work seems like... woah! Freaky, if you understand what i mean. Still i kinda miss the pressure of doing assignments last minute (having panda-eyes the next day and walking around like a zombie) and waking up the next day knowing that you haven't done any homework and you're gonna get a real scolding (or should i say beating) from your teachers when you reach school, haha! Good old school days. Really miss'em, although i dread them when i was still studying, keke.

Hmmm, talking about studies, really thank God for His grace that lead me through all my school life. Well, i really need to ask God to forgive me for somehow always indirectly putting the blame on God when i don't do well in my studies, is like somehow in my head i will start asking God why He did not give me a good mark in my exam, although i was the one that did not study at all in the first place, and yet i expect God to show a miracle somehow. But then again, i really must thank God for His grace during exam, well, it's like something like what Joyce shared on Training Union the other day, about how God lead her through her exams by somehow allowing the test questions to miraculously appear to be what she have focused in her books, which she "flip through" the whole thing while studying, although i don't really know what her definition of "flip through" is. Yeaps, that did happened to me too, during my secondary school and college exams. And somehow, it really amazes me when i look through my previous exam papers, it's like without God's help i was definitely going to fail, as i don't even understand how i got the knowledge to write out stuff like that in my exams paper.

Countless times God has lead me through each exam everytime, but there was this one exam related miracle that i can't seem to forget, it happened during form 3. Well, i seem to be very interested in mathematics that time, and for some reason i really wanted to get top in mathematics for the whole form, haha, at least achieving something in high-school. I did fairly okay for the past two exams (there were 3 semester exams in total during that year) but the last exam was the one that decide who becomes the top. So, before i begin that exam i prayed this prayer (ahem, something like this i think, for i can't remember everything right?):

Father God, thank you for the wonderful day,
And as for now i am going to take my mathematics exam,
May the grace of God be upon me, to give me wisdom and understanding as i do the paper,
May i not make any silly mistakes by giving me an alert mind,
And even if i don't know how to do the question, may You lead me to the circle the right answer,
in Jesus name i pray,

God was really gracious that time, for somehow He answered this rather selfish prayer of mine. You see, i did not really manage to finish two questions, as i did not know how to do it at all, my mind was blank and even after the exam i still did not know how to get the answer. But God answer my prayer by letting me "circle the right answer" and not one but two of them (or was it three?).  I still remember that time was up, and the back row student was starting to collect that math's paper while i was still cracking my head to decide which answer was best to pick. Circled 'A', then 'B' and at last 'C' in err 10 seconds? Just before the student came and collect the paper.

Well, and what do you know, i got 100 marks for that math's paper ha-ha. I mean like, come on, it's obvious that God's grace was really upon me that time. There were many other students who actually knew how to get the right answers for all the question but made a careless mistake and gave them 98%-99% but i was clueless for those 2 questions but yet God was so gracious to me.

Then again, I think i better study hard next time around when i get to enter university, better not take God's grace for granted, and everything is by God's will, not everytime will He answer my exam prayers, especially if i did not study well and ask for a miracle to get good marks (but yet, i thank God everytime for answering this prayer, as somehow i get too lazy to study and wake up the next day rushing the next 2 hours before the exams start to get some stuff in my head)

Ha-ha, bottom-line is, i really got to praise the Lord, for all He has done in my life, His love is everlasting. But yet, as humans we always focus on the bad things that happens to us, and yet never thank God for the countless blessings that He gives daily. I really got to change this attitude, and thank God everyday, for the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, as they are new every morning.

Woot! Before i forget, got to thank God for allowing me to save this article before my computer went crazy. Was writing half-way when a game i played crashed while writing this article, thank God that i was able to save the file by blindly clicky here and there and viola, when i restarted there was a file name "asdf" which contained my article. Ha-ha, thank God for saving my troubles of rewriting again. =p