Sunday, January 28, 2007

Deja Vu...

Have you ever had that feeling where the things that are happening around you reminds you that something bad would inevitably happen?

I did.

Around 3 in the morning on Sunday, I had this same migraine feeling which I had before I was admitted to the hospital for leukemia. The funny thing of this migraine is that it does not get better even if you try to sleep. In fact, you won’t be able to sleep, but keep tossing and turning with the pain on one side of your head. And once or twice when I did manage to sleep, nightmares and dreams kept bombarding me till I awaken once again.

Because of the lack of rest, I decided to stay home and sleep, and couldn’t go to church… thinking that perhaps when I wake up in the afternoon I would feel much better. But it didn’t.

It was exactly like what happened to me during the time I already had leukemia during early December, but haven’t been diagnosed with it yet. Then it was also a Sunday, had the same migraine that couldn’t go away with sleep, so I took Panadols as a desperate measure to get some rest as in the morning I had lots to do at church. Drag myself out of bed around 8 in the morning as I needed to go for Sunday school worship practice, but realized that after playing for the actual worship I cannot take the pain anymore and decided to go home and rest despite the fact that I needed to play the bass for English Worship later (the advantage of playing the bass guitar, you can come and go as you please ha-ha, unlike the pianist).

Well, the pain did not go away then too, even when I slept through the whole afternoon. The pain from the migraine only went away around midnight, almost a whole 20 hours plus when I first got the headache. And that’s not all, even when the pain goes away; I actually still feel something at the part where the head aches during the migraine, as if the migraine can come back anytime to haunt you.

So on Tuesday when I visited the doctor for a check up, I was kind of worried and started to pray to God that everything would turn out okay. The whole same symptoms happening again thingy keeps reminding me that maybe I had a relapse. If last time I had these symptoms and was later diagnosed with leukemia, why can’t it happen again?

Even in the doctor’s clinic, all wasn’t going well. The nurse tried to draw my blood through my left hand but couldn’t seem to do so even though she did inject the needle to the vein. Tried the right hand, same thing… so the only way to draw some blood out was to press my arm like some kind of pump, where each press I could see a few drops of blood going in the injection… crazy. After a few presses, thank God that at least enough drop of blood was taken to be able to do a blood test.

When the blood test report came by fax to the doctor, I (and the doctor) was kind of shocked that my blood platelet was only at a count of 7. The last time when I was first admitted to the hospital my blood platelet count was 8, which would mean this was way worst. Darn, I was starting to feel really scared then, please don’t tell me it’s a relapse.

Now that explains why a simple scratch wound that I had couldn’t stop bleeding for like 5 minutes, and the many internal bleedings all over my back and hands, and the wound inside my nose that can’t seem to heal up right, and I was feeling cold always. The doctor immediately issued me to be admitted into the hospital to get some platelet transfusion before I bleed myself to death. I was really frustrated in the beginning as I really didn’t want to stay in the hospital so soon again. But now after staying for 3 nights in the hospital, I really thank God that I was admitted, for if I don’t, firstly I can actually get knock out with the fact that I couldn’t heal up my wounds and secondly, in the hospital the doctor gave me more folinic acid injection which helped my mouth sores to be healed more quickly, giving me more relief with less pain in my mouth.

And it wasn’t all that bad, when I was admitted my elder cousin Ju Xing actually came to visit me. It was a surprise as I didn’t know he was on a holiday break from studying in England. Well, we manage to have a great chat and that seemed to lift up my spirits.

But the relief only came when the doctor check up on me again in the afternoon on the day I was admitted. He explained to me the whole situation and at the end of it, I asked him if it was a relapse or does it in anyway point to that direction. Thank God he said it’s none of that, and the cause of the blood platelet dropping was because of the chemotherapy I had 2 weeks ago. Poof! Suddenly a huge burden seems to be lifted from me, for somehow most of the time, the hunches I get mostly comes true… and this was one time I hoped it wasn’t ha-ha.

Thank God for His grace and mercy once again.

*By the time I got home and post this it has already been 5 nights, couldn’t get an internet line in the hospital ha-ha. Well, honestly speaking, was again really really frustrated by the fact that I can’t go home sooner, but I always try to remember that the Lord has His way in the thing He does. When trying to learn patience, God puts you in a situation where you need to be patience, so that you’ll really learn.

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