Monday, May 29, 2006

No Tears in Heaven...

Bah~ Once again laziness has made me not being able to update my blog regularly and resulted in many heads wondering on my situation now. Ha-ha, really sorry for that, as there are times when i want to update my blog but i get either too tired or too sick during the treatment, and when i am well, there's always something else that will distract me from actually doing it like games and playing the guitar, blek.

So erm, status report?

When back to the hospital on the 13th of May (Saturday) for another round of the same treatment as what i did for the previous one, manage to be released on the 17th which is a Wednesday. Really thank God as this time the negative side effects weren't that strong compared to the previous treatment. Well, there's three reasons i could think of that reduce the effect. First one would be due to the fact that the doctor reduced the strength of the chemotherapy, so that i could take it better, as he said the previous one was a little, erm, hard for me i think. Secondly the doctor gave me more dosage of folinic acid, which helps the body in some way from getting destroyed by the chemotherapy i think. And thirdly would be God's grace. Well, I don't really know which one is actually the real answer to the lessening of the side effects, it could be all, but as Pastor Siew Teng said:" God's grace is above all the rest!" Ha-ha, yeah, how true. Really thank God that this time around i don't need to suffer from the bleeding of my sore lips and having to like wash my mouth every morning to get rid of the blood and stuff, ouchies. Ah, and not to forget about the nausea too, did not vomit as badly compared to last time, was able to recover quicker, and right now i don't have the occasional nausea feeling every now and then, which really is a bonus. Thank God for His grace and mercy ha-ha.

Okay, but somehow i manage to get a fever last Thursday, not really sure how i got it, but that really worried me and my mom as it could mean i am attacked by an infection or my white cells have dropped really low till i cannot defend myself. So, immediately the next day i went to meet up with the doctor to have a blood check. Turns out that the blood count seems alright, which means i just got an ordinary fever out of nowhere i guess, but as a precaution i was asked to take two kinds of antibiotics which cost a bunch to prevent any infection. That fever wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't made my stomach go haywire and made me vomited badly again, but thank God that the serious vomiting was only a one day event, and i was back to normal on Saturday again.

Man, i really got to stop typing the word 'vomit', ha-ha. My friend was complaining to me the other day as to why was all of my blogs only about vomiting nowadays. Ughh, not that i want to, but it's just something that i really don't like that's why, ha-ha.

Hmmm, going through all this pain and suffering has one good point, at least it lets you look up to heaven. Ha-ha, no, is not that i am thinking of dying, but when you suffer really bad, you will somehow only truly know how peaceful and joyful heaven is, and it makes you yearn to go back to the Father, to have sweet rest instead of staying here on earth. Is just like what Joyce said the other day during youth fellowship, that if God let us enjoy and have fun and be merry all year round on earth without a single worry or suffering, we will never strive our best to be with the Lord and look up to heaven. Instead we will be too contend with the world and that will ultimately lead us to sin as we don't look forward to God and His glory in heaven. Well, heaven is our final destination anyway, a happy place, and where our 'real' treasure is. It will be kind of dumb if we like try so hard to store treasures on earth only knowing that none of it will be going to heaven. It's like building a sand castle by the sand, when the tides rises, the whole 'kingdom' will fall and be wipe out away into the sea. So why not build our treasure in heaven instead, so it wouldn't go to waste? But i myself got to discipline myself to do it, easier said then done as they say.

As i am now doing my devotion on the part where Moses lead the people out of Egypt to the promise land, i sometimes always laugh at the Israelites, especially during the part where Moses goes up Mount Sinai and receive God's commandments and while he's up there the people made a calf idol for themselves since Moses took so long to come down (wow, a mouthful). I laugh because i think they are just too foolish. They have seen God's power as He lead them out of Egypt: opened the Red Sea, provide manna out of thin air, water from the rock and yet they dare to create an idol right in front of God. It seems unthinkable. Yet, when i discussed with my parents they say that they did so because all of us are born to sin, and we are just too sinful that it actually drives out our fear from God. It did not bother me much till i noticed that i myself was the same. When i am sick and suffering i call to God for help, asking for His strength and grace, depending my all on Him. But yet, when i recover from the pain and was feeling much better and healthier, i tend to 'forget' God and try to entertain myself with games, music, video and other sorts of media, reducing much devotion time compared to when i am sick, and somehow feeling like i don't need God 'that' much.

Okay, that makes me realise that i am so much like the Israelites during that time all a sudden. Suffer= God is there, everything okay= God isn't there. Arghhsss, i better change the mentality of mine and know that my life is in God's hands, that it is only through the grace of God and through the love of Jesus Christ that i might live each day for His purpose. Now i know why God send Jesus, cause if He did not, we are all in big trouble as sinners ha-ha. We can't stop sinning. But through Jesus we are forgiven. Hmmm, forgiven-sinners?

Oh, and yeah, if you all are wondering what games kept me so occupied from blogging this few days (i mean weeks), it will be because i have been playing many old games like err, Red Alert!, Sim Tower, Theme Hospital, Baldur's Gate 2, Battle Realms... i think Red alert was one of the first games i had on my first pc, any game older than that will be educational games like 'Putt Putt save the zoo' and those sort (go figure). Somehow old games seems more fun, in some kind of way. Firstly, old games seems much simpler, which makes it more fun. Secondly, my laptop isn't actually a gaming machine, so playing 'old games' allows me to enjoy lag free gaming. And finally, it allows you to see how eh 'stupid' (boy, wish i wouldn't use that word but i guess it's the best way to describe it) you were when you were young compared to the knowledge you have now, ha-ha!(games that seems so hard during young become a walk through the park now) Then again, knowledge is something you acquire forever, blek. 

Then again, i have tons of Archie comics through my elder cousins who has a huge collection of them (elder somehow make them sound really old, but guess it's because i respect them... excuses, excuses...), which provided me with much laughs during the time in hospital and at home and made me defer my intentions to write my blog day after day because i get addicted reading it. Ha-ha, thank you so much ya, if you are reading my blog, as i did not manage to thank you guys properly for lending the comics to me.

So, guess that's all for today, thank God for giving me the will power to once again write some stuff on my blog hehe, and thank God for allowing me to recover at home right now and enjoy this kind of comfort. Now, just got to make sure i put God first in everything, and focus on things that are eternal, ha-ha! Better not repeat history as they say.

No comments: