not so dizzy... yay!

When to the hospital last Monday for my chemotherapy treatment, though I really dread going there nowadays I didn’t thought too much about it then as I assume that the treatment was an easy one. Well that’s because I couldn’t remember what terrible side effect it gave me the last time I had it, in fact I couldn’t even remember I had when through this treatment till I reread my blog as I am typing this (http://forgiven-by-grace.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_archive.html , read it for treatment details). So, it was only when I reach the hospital where I suddenly had a hunch that this was the one that gave me the headache and dizziness that knock me out for a month. Tried reconfirming with my mom and ask her if it was during the World Cup season last year that I gone through this treatment and became very dizzy, but she said it wasn’t during that time… well she said her own journal didn’t recorded as what I have said and that made me even more confused. But I proof her wrong with my blog buahahaha! Then again, I always write my post late, sometimes even 1 month late from the day of treatment, so I don’t really know either, woops!

Though the dizziness could be countered by just lying flat on the bed, making it not as terrible as feeling nausea, it is terribly boring as I can’t do anything much except sleep (since I am already in bed) or playing the guitar blindly perhaps.

I was even more assured that I was going to get the dizziness when I got home from the hospital on Wednesday and had to sleep earlier than usual because if I don’t I was going to puke from the dizziness. And besides that, I got dizzy just by crossing the sea on ship- only that it’s my Warcraft character that was crossing the sea and not me in real life… talking about game realism.

That’s why I really thank God that even as Sunday came; I didn’t experience the terrible dizziness that made me unable to move and was able to go the church. Phew… thank God for His amazing grace, for not letting me suffer the boredom of not doing anything at home! Truth to be told, I still feel a little dizzy time after time, but that’s pale compared to the one I experienced before, at least this time it doesn’t affect my daily activities much.

Oh, and I realized that the dizziness and headache wasn’t caused by the LP procedure, in which I suspect it was the last time I had it, but by the 45 minutes white chemo-drug called cyclosamidite or something like that, well it sounded like that I guess, too lazy to go check, give me a comment if you really want to know. Easy to know as this dizziness only happens when I have this chemo, and not when I have the LP procedure, this means that I don’t need to be so afraid of the LP procedure anymore and try to lie down on the bed as long as possible in order to avoid this side-effect, phew.

I also realized that I don’t understand what my doctor wants. Well, he said that he’s going to knock me out completely with general anesthetic while he was going to do a prick to check my bone marrow, and he kept telling the nurse to make sure that this time I was completely out before he does it, as last time he didn’t do it. Well, I could feel the anesthetic drug going in, but I realized I still wasn’t completely sleeping yet, could hear voices from the doctor and see the nurse still standing beside and some student nurses trying to learn the procedure. The doctor was like: “Harh? Still not sleeping yet ah?” I thought he was going to give me another dosage of anesthetic, but I realized that he already prick me and close the wound with the bandage. I was like: “What the…” I was semi-awake then, and it was only during the LP procedure when the other doctor asked me if the procedure was painful or not, in which I replied yeah, and he said: “I thought last time you said not painful”… and after that I kind of knock out. Then again, no complaints as I couldn’t feel the pain already then and the main doctor said that this time the prick isn’t as painful like last time because he doesn’t need to go through the bone again or something like that (forgive me, was between sleeping and being awake then). It’s really weird… I can remember I was replying to the doctors, but I just simply can’t remember completely what I replied to them. The way I reply them was like how anyone would do it when they want to sleep longer while their mom is nagging them to wake up:

Mom: Boy ah, wake up!

Son: ughh….

Mom: What you want to eat for breakfast? Hot milo and half-boiled eggs?

Son: ….. give me half-boiled milo and hot eggs lah…

Mom: Harh?!!!

Son: aiyoh… the usual lah… ZZzzzzZZZ…

Yeah something like that.

This may sound weird though, but somehow I am starting to love general anesthetic. Not loving it as the kind that makes you go: “Woah, I am seeing colors… stars… am I in heaven?!!” but loving it because it really helps to pass the time while I am in the hospital. Yeah, the thought of having to drip the chemo for 24 hours is terrible and as the time passes I slowly feel like vomiting… ughhh, and having the anesthetic cuts the time like by 6-8 hours since I get knocked out. And as I am doing the LP procedure I don’t need to feel the pain from the local anesthetic injection which the dentist always say: “it’s only an ant bite” but you know you want to poke him with it to show the dentist how painful it actually is (okay, now I am starting to sound like a spoilt brat, well, the local anesthetic isn’t so painful lah, just exaggerating).

Ah, really thank God that the nausea’s gone as I am writing this and me not having the super dizziness. Really thank God also for protecting me all the way through the treatments, I just have one more chemo-treatment in the hospital and I should be off by then, which is comforting in a way ha-ha.

Then again, I am starting to get reeeaallllly lazy to study or do any work. But it’s still better than going through treatment I guess. =)

Gospel Camp 07...

Phew, thank God that I sign up to attend the Gospel Camp instead of staying at home all day long during the weekend. Was actually starting to regret when I found out that the camp was a week from the day I registered (well, six days since it was already Sunday then) and not two weeks apart which I thought it was as I needed time to cure from the nausea I was getting from the pills I was eating. But since I already paid the money before actually knowing it, I decided to just go for it as I was too lazy to ask for a refund or anything like that. Got to remind myself once again not to be so blur…

Well, really thank God again that it took only 2 days to recover from the nausea, which makes me think that maybe the nausea feeling is just all in the mind, for if I needed to do something of importance it kind of disappears faster, then again it may not be as there was one time when I followed my dad to KLCC to watch MI3, I spend most of my energy just trying to remember where the rubbish bins are so I could vomit in them if the nausea gets too bad (I remember I was thanking God that the rubbish bins weren’t the push to throw types but a big hole right on top, so I can vomit straight on it)… so maybe it was the fresh sea breeze that helped speed up the recovery. But to avoid all confusion and uncertainties, I say it was another of God’s miracle.

I made myself look like a social outcast in the camp as I didn’t join in any of the games, and I was too lazy (once again) to explain to the other people that didn’t know of my condition. There were some games that I know I could play, but I was afraid that there may be certain “accidents” that may happen (like a flying ball that came out of no where because someone doesn’t know he has Hercules’s strength) and cause a fatal blow to me. Besides that, I was literally burning from the sun though I was under the shade of a tree… makes me wonder how in the world am I going to play at the beach under the hot sun ever again. And though I was sitting down most of the time, I was as tired as those who played all the games all day long… in fact, I could actually feel my legs getting cramped… just by sitting down and not moving. Playing beach soccer barefooted wasn’t any good either; one good kick at the ball and my big toe was bleeding… I was about to ask what in the world happened to my body.

Then again, not being able to participate in most of the games wasn’t a problem at all, somehow I did not feel bored… not with all those whacky things that seems to be happening to the youths all the time and the lame talk about Daniel-lism and all (go figure). Not playing the games also meant that I was free from a lot of responsibility, which makes this camp more relaxing in a way. That… and also since I wasn’t ‘alright’ in a sense, the boys in my apartment actually let me have my own room, though honestly I feel really bad about it as it seems I am hogging all the space (though I know the reason they didn’t want to be in the room is because they wouldn’t be able to stay up late at night as I needed to sleep).

One thing that I really enjoyed in the camp was the fellowship with the youths and Sunday school students, or friends, I must say, as even until now the way I talk to them is very not teacher-like, plus the fact that my brother is among the gang which makes it impossible for me to talk to them like how a teacher does. Can’t imagine how the teachers who have a 2-3 years age gap teach without feeling like one of his/her students. Having fellowship with friends is fun, though for me the ‘fun’ was greatly enhanced due to the fact that I seldom have such company.

I must admit though, I was completely clueless about the message during the camp ha-ha. Really wanted to use the excuse that I was sleepy and tired so I couldn’t hear the message but then it wasn’t like that at all… to me it seems like the message on the second and third day didn’t seem to connect, but maybe that’s just me, was cracking my head all day long just trying to figure that out till I decided to just put it aside and ask the other youths during the next meeting to save myself the trouble.

Though there is one thing that I really learn, and that is being a Christian really isn’t an easy task. I’ll be totally honest and say that at first it was hard trying to mix around with the outsiders, it’s like hard for me not to keep an eye on them and go “what the heck are doing?” But as a Christian, God says that we ought to love everyone (and not to judge them too) and not just our own group of people, meaning that we must go out of our comfort zone to mix around with the others as well. Didn’t do too well in that I must say, but thank God for the opportunity that came up for me to interact with the outsiders and get to know them. Hope when I get better I actually take the effort to have fellowship with the new comers instead of just hanging out with my circle of friends all the time.

It really has been awhile since the time I went to the beach and as I see the endless sea and the bright blue sky above it, I was really glad that I came. It isn’t a new or rare sight of the beach though, but then it really amazes me how God shaped the earth and all… so perfectly I must add. And just like what Daniel and I were talking during one of our lame jokes conversation: …and God saw that what He made was good… real good~

Another day...

Good news: Don’t need to go to the hospital, able to stay at home longer after Chinese New Year. Woo hoo!

Bad news : Got to eat chemotherapy pills for one week. Ugghh…..

Well, I thank God that at least this time around I didn’t actually throw up after food, allowing me to eat normally and not restricting the things I can do in a day, but it is still making me nausea and tire easily which is bothering me in a way. I don’t know if it’s the pills that give me these nauseas side effect or perhaps my fear of it which makes me chill to my spine whenever I just think of the pills or the smell of it. Not to forget, the pills are giving me freaking weird nightmares, can’t say ‘dreams’ as I hardly get one that is pleasant, well maybe just 5 percent of it is.

At least it’s only for 1 week this time… but to my horror when my chemotherapy treatment ends I got to eat it for at least 18 months. Trying to figure out ways to survive through that ha-ha, especially since I won’t be able to slack like how I am doing right now by then. One comfort that I have is that the terrible side effects of the pill lessens for each pill eating session I take (I think this is the fourth), praying to God that by the time I am released it wouldn’t be much of a problem anymore. Well, the doctor also did say that most of the patients didn’t have many complaints when they took it after their treatment end, so I guess that’s another comfort too.

About the nightmares, the 5 percent that was pleasant reminds me of God’s saving grace through Jesus Christ. I don’t know how Jackie Chan appeared in my dream and had a connection with that, but when I woke up it kind of reminded me that despite us being so sinful and unworthy, and God could just zap us from the face of the earth for He hates sin, yet He still love us and sent Jesus Christ to redeem us, forgiving our sins just like that and allowing us to enter His throne of grace so freely.

Trying to force myself to think that I have only 2 more days of pill eating left from today, for if I remind myself about the 18 months more to go, it will definitely wear me out even before the battle begin.

*

As I have mentioned, the side effects of the pills weren’t so bad this time, so I managed to drag myself to Midvalley to go shopping with my mom. Of course they were the occasional “want to vomit” signs as I walk around, but thank God all of them were controllable.

Well, this is the first time since I got admitted to the hospital that I actually do some serious shopping. Though mom occasional did ask me if I want to go shopping last year I mostly turn her offer down due to the fact that I realized there’s no point in buying new clothes and all, like I have the chance to wear them in the hospital ha-ha.

Going shopping today was refreshing to say the least; it’s something I haven’t done for a long time, though of course it did remind me of all the hassles about shopping, like picking your size for the clothes you want etc. Thank God that at least the designers were smart enough to design ‘what you call it’---- in-built strings around your waist that act like belts (I have no idea what you call it) --- for pants so that you don’t really need to buy pants that are exactly your size as you can just tighten them with the ‘strings’ if it’s too lose. That saves like a whole 5 minutes in choosing the pants you like (yes 5 minutes in shopping is a lot), and if you don’t have the size of your pants… who cares??? Just tighten them and off you go!

Another plus was due to fact that since today wasn’t a public holiday, and most schools are having exam, the mall was really quiet… something that most people couldn’t enjoy nowadays as all the students seems to flock endlessly to all the shopping malls whenever they have nothing to do, and most of the time they have nothing to do. What happened to the days when the cinema actually belongs to you and your friends alone? Having less people meant that you could enjoy buying your stuff like the place belongs to you, no queuing up at dressing rooms, counters, or trying to grab a shirt inside a mob, man this is the life!

Then I went to the sports shop at the top floor of Midvalley to buy new shoes in order to replace my 2 year old one. There was this like SMS contest where if you manage to answer the questions given correctly you will be able to get a 20 percent discount on the items in the shop and the sales girl asked us to join it as it’s really easy. Hmm… how easy? Most of the time these contest are just a con to waste your phone credit (One message cost a Ringgit). But as my phone credit worth is more than my handphone I decided not to think twice and just followed the instructions that the sales girl was saying to enter the contest:

Sales girl: Tekan… *something* dan *something*…

Me : Oh... send ah?

Sales girl: Yeah send…

Me : (Beep!) Oh, got reply…

(There was a question… I think, I couldn’t even read the message and before I could work my mind to think what the answer is to the question or perhaps what the message was… she asked me to let her see the message)

Sales girl: (Looks at the message) Okay, sekarang tekan *something B*, *something C*…

Me : (Thinking in mind) Wah can trust her or not wan, maybe she just wants to waste my money, I haven’t read the question man…

(Being so easily tired from the pills I decided to play the just listen and do roll and type the stuff requested)

Me : (Beep!) Ada message lagi…

(Shows her the message on the phone again)

Sales girl: Boss!!! Motorola Z3 apa model?

(I think the boss told her Rzor, but later I realized the answer to that question was on the contest promotion sheet as well)

Sales girl: Okay sekarang tekan, ini ini ini…

Me : Oh… (beep!)

Sales girl: Okay, sudah ada discount, pergi beri cashier tengok…

Woah, okay, so by wasting 3 bucks I saved 40 bucks… not too bad eh, and I am in the running for a Motorola handphone, some goodies and unlimited free Coke for a year. What surprised me is how come the shop staff just gave the answers so freely like that? They want to fully utilize the contest sponsors money is it?

And I finally manage to buy an overdrive pedal as I went to Midvalley to make myself look more “pro” when using the guitar, as I still have almost to none knowledge of how to fully utilize it. Though it was embarrassing that a less than 2 minutes set up of the pedal took me more than 15 minutes due to the fact that I put the input and output cables wrongly. Not too bright for a PA personal in church eh?

Ha-ha, all in all, was really glad that I was able to do some “normal” stuff after a long time, thank God for giving me this privilege to go out.