Deja Vu...

Have you ever had that feeling where the things that are happening around you reminds you that something bad would inevitably happen?

I did.

Around 3 in the morning on Sunday, I had this same migraine feeling which I had before I was admitted to the hospital for leukemia. The funny thing of this migraine is that it does not get better even if you try to sleep. In fact, you won’t be able to sleep, but keep tossing and turning with the pain on one side of your head. And once or twice when I did manage to sleep, nightmares and dreams kept bombarding me till I awaken once again.

Because of the lack of rest, I decided to stay home and sleep, and couldn’t go to church… thinking that perhaps when I wake up in the afternoon I would feel much better. But it didn’t.

It was exactly like what happened to me during the time I already had leukemia during early December, but haven’t been diagnosed with it yet. Then it was also a Sunday, had the same migraine that couldn’t go away with sleep, so I took Panadols as a desperate measure to get some rest as in the morning I had lots to do at church. Drag myself out of bed around 8 in the morning as I needed to go for Sunday school worship practice, but realized that after playing for the actual worship I cannot take the pain anymore and decided to go home and rest despite the fact that I needed to play the bass for English Worship later (the advantage of playing the bass guitar, you can come and go as you please ha-ha, unlike the pianist).

Well, the pain did not go away then too, even when I slept through the whole afternoon. The pain from the migraine only went away around midnight, almost a whole 20 hours plus when I first got the headache. And that’s not all, even when the pain goes away; I actually still feel something at the part where the head aches during the migraine, as if the migraine can come back anytime to haunt you.

So on Tuesday when I visited the doctor for a check up, I was kind of worried and started to pray to God that everything would turn out okay. The whole same symptoms happening again thingy keeps reminding me that maybe I had a relapse. If last time I had these symptoms and was later diagnosed with leukemia, why can’t it happen again?

Even in the doctor’s clinic, all wasn’t going well. The nurse tried to draw my blood through my left hand but couldn’t seem to do so even though she did inject the needle to the vein. Tried the right hand, same thing… so the only way to draw some blood out was to press my arm like some kind of pump, where each press I could see a few drops of blood going in the injection… crazy. After a few presses, thank God that at least enough drop of blood was taken to be able to do a blood test.

When the blood test report came by fax to the doctor, I (and the doctor) was kind of shocked that my blood platelet was only at a count of 7. The last time when I was first admitted to the hospital my blood platelet count was 8, which would mean this was way worst. Darn, I was starting to feel really scared then, please don’t tell me it’s a relapse.

Now that explains why a simple scratch wound that I had couldn’t stop bleeding for like 5 minutes, and the many internal bleedings all over my back and hands, and the wound inside my nose that can’t seem to heal up right, and I was feeling cold always. The doctor immediately issued me to be admitted into the hospital to get some platelet transfusion before I bleed myself to death. I was really frustrated in the beginning as I really didn’t want to stay in the hospital so soon again. But now after staying for 3 nights in the hospital, I really thank God that I was admitted, for if I don’t, firstly I can actually get knock out with the fact that I couldn’t heal up my wounds and secondly, in the hospital the doctor gave me more folinic acid injection which helped my mouth sores to be healed more quickly, giving me more relief with less pain in my mouth.

And it wasn’t all that bad, when I was admitted my elder cousin Ju Xing actually came to visit me. It was a surprise as I didn’t know he was on a holiday break from studying in England. Well, we manage to have a great chat and that seemed to lift up my spirits.

But the relief only came when the doctor check up on me again in the afternoon on the day I was admitted. He explained to me the whole situation and at the end of it, I asked him if it was a relapse or does it in anyway point to that direction. Thank God he said it’s none of that, and the cause of the blood platelet dropping was because of the chemotherapy I had 2 weeks ago. Poof! Suddenly a huge burden seems to be lifted from me, for somehow most of the time, the hunches I get mostly comes true… and this was one time I hoped it wasn’t ha-ha.

Thank God for His grace and mercy once again.

*By the time I got home and post this it has already been 5 nights, couldn’t get an internet line in the hospital ha-ha. Well, honestly speaking, was again really really frustrated by the fact that I can’t go home sooner, but I always try to remember that the Lord has His way in the thing He does. When trying to learn patience, God puts you in a situation where you need to be patience, so that you’ll really learn.

Ouchies...

The things that happened last week:

I think it was a Tuesday, when elder brother got home quite late that night and seemed to be more pissed off compared to whenever Manchester United loss a game. Well, he did have a reason to be so pissed off; someone broke in his car when he went to 1-Utama. Though it was a big commotion, somehow I still was too lazy to actually see how the thief broke the back windows of the X-Trail and stole my brother’s schoolbag and laptop bag, so I have no idea how damaged the car was (hmm… in fact even after a week I have no idea how the car looks like after the repairs, haven’t gone out the house since I got back from the hospital). Well, thank God that the car wasn’t stolen at the least… when brother said that his car got broken into, I was like: “You mean they stole the freaking whole car?”

Well, despite the seriousness of the whole matter, it reminds me of the time when teacher Derek called when a thief also stole his laptop from his car:

(Can’t really remember the exact conversation, but this was what I thought I heard)

Teacher Derek: Ju Liang, today my car got broken in two…

Me: WHAT? BROKEN IN TWO?

Teacher Derek: (in a calm, serious voice) Yeah, broken in two.

Me: My goodness!

(In my mind I was thinking… how in the world can he survive an accident where his car has broken in two, and better yet, with no injuries and acting so calmly)

(Just before I open my mouth to utter something to make myself looks so foolish…)

Teacher Derek: Yeah, a thief broke into my car and stole my laptop; I was hoping you have a spare laptop which I can borrow. (I think it was something like that…)

Me: Oh? Errr… wait ah I go check first…

Well, if I remembered correctly Daniel Mok also said that he was thinking about the same thing when teacher Derek called him for this matter.

Nevertheless, really thank God that at least brother wasn’t harm then, or the car was stolen, otherwise it could be way worst.

*

Well, I said that I did not come out from my house since I came back from the hospital, not because I am some World of Warcraft geek who has no life and play online games till my character becomes all powerful and mighty (see the South Park: World of Warcraft episode to know what I mean) but mainly because of my nausea and now my mouth sores which prevents me from going outside. Really thank God that the nausea feeling when away around the middle of the week, but that was when the mouth sores started to appear too. Still I must thank God as though the mouth sores hurt like needles poking all over your lips and mouth, yet compared to feeling nausea at least I can eat and move around more freely, though it is kind of hard to enjoy eating with that kind of pain.

The mouth sores are caused by the body not being able to regenerate the cell linings of the mouth, as the yellow chemo I was taking somehow destroys it too. And since there are no cells, it bleeds and can’t heal… really nasty sight when I wake up in the morning as it seems like I have put dark red lipsticks, only that the dark red colour is actually my own dry blood.

Guess I still have to wait a little longer before I could “enjoy” eating the food that I crave.

Another thing that I must thank God for would be the itchiness fading away. Somehow this time around it was like the blue chemo, whenever I scratch my skin I will have internal bleeding, which caused the whole back of my body looking really nasty with dark patches everywhere. At first I didn’t know how serious it was, but later I got to know that it was so bad till my younger brother thinks that my whole body looks like someone who just survived a war. At least now the dark patches seem to be slowing fading away.

Then again, at least there’s something to look forward to. With this chemo down, there’s just another 3 more to go, and I can finally have some sweet rest. Praying to God that all goes well now.

3rd Yellow chemo...

Just got back home today and although I have already said this one too many times, but still I am going to say it again… there’s no where better in the world than home.

Staying in the hospital for the past 4 nights was terrible, although I must admit it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, and I have God to thank for that. Still, the fact that the chemotherapy treatment this time around last 24 hours really is a torture, and the thought that I must go through this whole treatment in another 2 weeks or so is down right disappointing. This yellow chemo is the cause of all my nausea (starting from this chemo last year, I always felt nausea whenever I go for a treatment), and it really is frustrating as it keeps making me want to vomit; I am hungry but I can’t eat the food that I want as I cannot digest the food properly and the fear of throwing up keeps haunting me; sleeping isn’t all that good either as dreams will keep disturbing me and a slight disturbance in the room would make me awake and I need to go through all the trouble to force myself to sleep again.

Well, I really thank God for being able to stay at home as in the hospital I feel totally “trap” due to the fact that I am constantly on drips. Really troublesome as going to the toilet to throw up or do my business becomes really a hassle. At home the air seems fresher; a burden seems to be lifted up from me; and the best part would be there wouldn’t be any nurses or hospital staff who would disturb me while I am asleep.

Then again, suffering isn’t all that bad of a thing. It allows me to cherish and thank God for the many little things in life. For example: I really thank God during the times when I could actually eat food without fear of throwing up and also thank God for the times when I could just sleep so easily when I am tired unlike now. If I am healthy, who cares about those kind of stuff? It’s something so common and normal for most people anyway. And most of the time I take those simple stuff for granted, for instance: preferring to sleep really late at night when I could sleep early.

Ah, now I just hope that God would cure my nausea as fast as possible, as I really want to eat something tasty before I go back in the hospital again. Nando’s Chicken, KFC and pan mee ‘gon lou’ are the few food that I must try before I reenter the hospital. Drooling now, but sigh, can’t eat any as if I throw up while eating those food I will have a phobia of them forever.

Still, thank God for everything!