Blessed be Your name~

Phew, thank God that I finally finish eating the chemo-pills on Monday, meaning that the nausea and dizziness would gradually settle down in perhaps a week or so… anymore longer and it would definitely bring a toll on me.

I guess many know that I like playing video-games, but when I am playing games alone I would always prefer playing role playing games as I always love to dwell in a really long story, which those games normally brings. So, really thank God that Final Fantasy 12 was out in stores like around last week. Well, the official released was supposed to be October 31st, don’t know how those pirates ever manage to get the game out that fast. Perhaps it’s a beta version (that would explain some of the really obvious grammar mistakes that a major game company such as Square-Enix shouldn’t make, or perhaps they wanted to make it real by putting it there? Like how most of us speak kacang-Eng-GA-Lish) Yeah, well thank God anyhow as I was able to play it before I enter the hospital in November, at least I have something to entertain me and distract me from all the nausea and suffering. Hmmm… but somehow something doesn’t feel right, I know that we should give thanks to God for everything, but somehow for a pirated disc… hmmm… confusing…

Was really comforted by some of the songs Pastor Siew Teng send to me, especially the song “Blessed be Your name”, since sometimes I really can’t seem to go through what I am going through anymore. At the beginning it was quite easy as things went rather smoothly, but nowadays somehow my body seems really weak to tolerate any of the chemo anymore, thus the nausea/dizziness and all. When everything was going okay, it’s really easy to thank God for everything, but during the times of suffering, it gets really hard to thank and praise God. Through that song, it really encourages me, to thank God in all circumstances, even when the “darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be Your name”. Somehow I always think that if we could thank God even through our sufferings and pain, it would make God really really happy, and at the same time really piss the devil off ha-ha. And that encourages me to fight on, one day at a time, to glorify God’s name, never losing sight and hope in Him.

Blessed be God’s name, till the end of time.

Laughter is the best medicine...

Hmm… really wanted to do lots of ‘normal’ stuff before my long stay in the hospital, but guess I can’t do so because of this nausea, headache and tiredness. Ah, didn’t know that just eating pills can be so hard. Thank God though, that at least I am able to sleep easily.

Well, I was reading the latest entry in Christopher’s blog and was rather encouraged by what he wrote. In fact, knowing that there are people caring and praying for me really is comforting and encouraging, it makes me feel not so alone, and that God’s watching over me even more because of all your prayers.

Talking to Chris was pretty pleasant despite the fact that we were talking about our sufferings during our stay in the hospital most of the time (something that most people wouldn’t want to talk about, since it’s all gloomy and stuff). I guess that’s because having to know that someone understands what you are going through and can relate to what you have been through is comforting. Like, how our freedom were restricted because of the drips we had; how depressing being nausea can be; how we hate vomiting; how drinking hot stuff can give us some comfort from nausea, etc. etc. It’s been a quite a while since I found someone who has experienced and can actually understand what I am going through without explaining lots of specific details (Chris had food poisoning). Example:

Someone: Hey, when you say nausea, how does it feel like?

Me: Erm… it’s like the feeling of vomiting, but not all the time you’ll vomit things out.

Someone: What??

Me: Erm… never mind (too lazy to go on further details).

Ha-ha, just kidding lah, if anyone wants to ask me anything about my treatment or what’s going on in my life just feel free to ask, I won’t push your questions aside or feel frustrated or anything like that. If my explanations doesn’t mean anything to you don’t hesitate to say: “HARH??” Yeah, you get what I mean.

Chris wrote (and some people also said) something about me being really braved going through this sickness and all, but honestly speaking, I can’t say that I am really brave, that I am charging to the front courageously, battling this disease without feeling any fear or frustration. If I were to define someone who is labeled ‘brave’, the person should be able to have a choice to either overcome his or her fears or not to do it. For instance: a young boy (say 4-5 years of age) goes over to the MacDonald’s counter to buy a Happy Meal for his younger sister who’s crying because she wants one, that’s brave, because he actually can choose not to do it, but for the sake of his sister he did it. (Woah kay, maybe that wasn’t such a good example, please leave out the thought of how he got the money to buy the meal, or why are they out at MacDonald’s without their parents, etc. etc.) Okay, a better example would be: A mother risking her life to enter a building that is on fire to save her child. Okay, she has the choice not to risk her life, but she did that for her child, now that’s brave. (Hope you guys get the idea of what I am saying).

So, anyway, like I was saying, I can’t be called ‘brave’ because it’s not like I had a choice to accept what I want to go through or not. When the doctor said it’s time for chemo, is not like I can say: “NO! I DON’T WANT!” If this was a dream, I would have definitely forced myself to wake up by now, and not linger on any longer. Or suppose I was a candidate in some survivor series (okay, either the one trap in an island/jungle or the wrestling one, take your pick), I would have given up half way through when it becomes too tough for me to handle.

Then again, perhaps the fact that I can’t quit is something to thank God for, otherwise, how could I be refine to be more like Christ if I don’t go through suffering? Being human we will naturally try to find the easiest way out of things, at best, things that require no effort on our part but maximum profit to us, even if it means through evil ways. In other words, if I have my way, I would have definitely chose to escape being refined as I wouldn’t want to suffer, but that would mean that I wouldn’t be prepared to do what God has installed for me in the future, as everything God does has a purpose. When you see it that way, then perhaps the suffering process isn’t so bad after all.

Recently when I am going through this suffering, there’s always this weird image or short sketch if you would call it, which comes to my mind that gives me some sort of relieve and comfort. Well, you guys know the story of Job right? Where the devil kind of like bet with God that Job would definitely curse God if he had to suffer so badly. So, it’s like the devil is at first laughing, saying to God: “A man will give all he has for his own life. But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.” (Job 2:4) So… if I manage to go through this whole process and not blame God or question Him on why must I go through this, and instead thank God and praise Him for everything He has done, that would mean God would win the bet right? And when God wins, He goes laughing merrily at the devil (think something along the lines like how you would laugh when you see Jim Carrey’s comedies) and say: “I told you I would win buahahahahah!!!” And the devil goes away feeling angry and frustrated. Well, somehow from that image, seeing God happy and laugh makes me want to win this battle even more. I guess that’s because as Christians, we always ought to make God smile, or better… laugh out of joy because of us being testimonies for Jesus Christ here on earth.

Then again, really thank God for laughter. For laughter is the best medicine as they say. Sometimes when I feel really down, I would watch some of my old ‘hardcore’ comedy animes to make me laugh really hard till I totally forget about my nausea. (By meaning ‘hardcore’ comedy, it’s those shows where you are better left off putting your brain at one side while watching, as if you try to even apply logic on what’s happening your brain will kinda go cuckoo).

Yeah, so, since I am already half-way there, might as well finish the race. No point giving up half-way, especially since God is always with me, why should I lose hope? And I bet it will be really satisfying when I finally reach the finishing line.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow…

And after 30+ tomorrows I finally updated my blog… phew. Guess I am that kind of guy who just loves to leave things until tomorrow, foolishly thinking that there are many tomorrows in the sands of time.

Okay, so I’ll get straight to the point and update everyone on what happened during the past few days, weeks, or erm 1 month.

Well, I had a 8 days chemotherapy (with 3 days break in between) during the month of September, wasn’t anything heavy as the amount of chemo inserted per day was just like a quarter of the normal injection we usually see in the clinic. Though it’s light, somehow I still get pretty nausea after each time they put that small amount of chemo in, and spend the rest of the day sleeping. Hmm, come to think about it, really thank God that at least I can sleep normally despite feeling nausea, otherwise it would be terrible. Then again, most of the time when I sleep I would have weird nightmares, and most of them involves homework and assignments given by teachers in school or college, bah~ No idea how am I going to go back to study life again.

I also had a lamba puncture during this course of chemo. Thank God again that all went well with no side effects this time. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the doctor that does the lamba puncture for me isn’t the same doctor that prescribes my chemo-drug. The main doctor that usually takes care of me is a hematologist, while the one that normally does the lamba puncture is a neurologist. Nevertheless the main reason I mention this up is because this neurologist seems to be really spiritually filled. And I mean really! Every time he comes to check up on me he’ll definitely quote something from the bible and in the hospital he does evangelism almost everyday I guess. And there are sometimes when he ask me questions concerning passages in the bible which I am not so clear or could not remember, which resulted in my not being able to answer him, and he goes “Ju Liang, you better read more of your bible!” Man, damn embarrassing ha-ha (The question he was asking, I think, concern about Balaam and his donkey when the Israelites wanted to go over to the promise land) . And to avoid him lecturing to me about watching too much television or playing too many games on my laptop when he checks up on me (which I don’t, it’s only that somehow when I am playing he always comes to check during that time), I would immediately take up my bible to read or pull up the Purpose Driven Life book in order to make him stop his lecturing. In some ways I always think he should change his profession to become a pastor instead of a doctor, or perhaps use his doctor skills to be a missionary (there was one time after the check up I said: “Thank you, pastor”, woops!). Then again, because of him taking account of me in my faith (since he always ask me how is my walk with the Lord), I could always make sure that I don’t backtrack in my faith in Christ, and humbled myself knowing that even being a Christian for my whole life there are still tons of things in the bible that I have yet to know, therefore, got to read the bible everyday ha-ha. Now I understand the importance of having someone to be accountable for us in our faith in Christ Jesus, whenever someone falls, the other would be able to pick him up, and not fall out in faith. Now I really regret the chance I had during Training Union when we can choose a partner to take account for us, wasn’t serious then, and wasted that opportunity.

During this lamba puncture procedure this doctor also asked me a question: “Do you ever ask God why you have this sickness?” In my mind I was like: “Uh-oh, one wrong answer and I would get a super long lecture from him.” Then again, since I was like lying on the bed feeling all nervous and scared because the procedure was going to start and he was cleaning my back in order to poke the needle in, I couldn’t even think straight, so I just said the truth and answered: “No.” Phew, thank God that that was the right answer ha-ha. Well, he answered: “Good, good, that means you trust that the Lord knows what He’s doing even through suffering.” Thinking about it, I guess I always knew God knows what He’s doing (I mean like, how can God don’t know what He’s doing?), it’s just that sometimes going through what He has in store for us isn’t that easy always, but still, yeah, “Be bold and courageous for the Lord is with you!” Guess I still got to fight on till the very end, knowing that I am not fighting the battle alone, for God is always there watching over me.

Which reminds me, the end line for me has like extended from February to around July (August?) Because by counting the amount of time I needed to complete my first cycle (8 months) times two, it would definitely end around July then. So like yeah, need prayers from you guys to have more spirit to fight on ha-ha.

Okay, so for the month of October the only thing I need to do now is eat chemo-pills, which means don’t need to go to the hospital, yay! But somehow it does make me freaking nausea at times, even when writing this blog post, feel like vomiting time after time ha-ha, nothing too serious though. And when this month end, uh-oh -here comes the pain- a really heavy dosage of chemotherapy will be up next, which would mean that I cannot attend this year’s VBS. Just thinking about the next course makes me go BRRrrrrr… but better stop thinking about that for now, should take things one step at a time or not I will definitely wear out.

That’s why I better make use of the 3-4 weeks break I have now, hope that the chemo-pills wouldn’t give me any side effects so that I could go travel outdoors before I get trapped in the hospital again, ha-ha.