2nd Blue

Hmm… let’s see… what should I talk about today…okay…

ARGHHH, I AM FREAKING SCARED!!! HELP ME!!!!!!

Yeah, guess that’s what I am going to talk about. Ughh, going back to the hospital tomorrow, or today by the time I finish writing this post. Wouldn’t really mind if it’s just a light one which would require me to stay at most a week, but this one would be really really heavy, so heavy that sometimes just remembering what happened last time makes me shiver down my spine.

Staying for one month in the hospital isn’t that bad, you can watch television immediately when you wake up; you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at bed; you can just doze off anytime since you’re already sitting on the bed itself; the bathroom is just 3-5 steps away; and best of all you get 24 hours service (okay I am being sarcastic here). Staying in the hospital isn’t all that bad, but the side effects, are… torturing, as I can say.

I remember telling quite a number of people that I would rather stand pain than the nausea, but now when I think about it, both are equally bad. Unless I could actually avoid those bacteria and fungus from growing and attacking my body, the pain could be avoided I guess, but that would need a tremendous effort to keep myself super clean, and knowing that I am such a dirty person who would avoid bathing if possible, I don’t know how am I going to do it. But about all that’s going to happened, I guess after this whole course of chemo I would only write what happened, so I could compared to how it was previously during February-March.

It’s during times like this that I realize that humans are just so weak. That’s because I know that I can’t do much to prevent what’s going to happen. And during times like this I know I could only trust in the living God to grant me His grace to go through this whole thing easily. I am asking this of Him because I know that Jesus Christ is real, and He hears our prayers. But even if it doesn’t go as well as I plan, I guess God has His ways. God doesn’t do something and later says: “Ooops!”

Another thing that I really got to learn is to take things one at a time. When I see the list of chemotherapy that I still need to go through, it makes me really discourage, especially seeing the ones that seems so hard to go through. And knowing that it would take around July to complete the whole thing really isn’t good news at all. It seems never ending. That’s why I got to go slow, aiming one course of chemo at a time, otherwise I would really wear out if I keep thinking of the whole list of chemo. Hmmm, this is one time where it’s better not to see the whole picture.

Ah, but I shouldn’t just talk about sufferings all day long, God has been good for the past 2 weeks, giving me sufficient rest and all at home, really thank God for that. But time seems so short when you are actually enjoying… ARGHHH!!!! And not to forget I manage to update my music collection after like centuries by finding some really whacky Japanese songs, well actually around 10. I haven’t been up to date with the songs on the radio for a really long time; the last time I actually listen to the radio for hours would be around form 3-4 when my brother always turns on the radio while studying. Me, trying to avoid doing my homework would always sleep at the bed and hear his radio till like around midnight, and that’s when I start doing my homework because fear starts kicking in. After he went to Australia to study, the only time I actually listened to the radio was during the trip to and back from school/college. That’s why, since then my musically knowledge is like really terrible. And since then most of the time I would only listen to Japanese music which mostly comes from the opening/ending theme for the animes I watched, and it’s really hard to get my hands on other good Japanese music because it’s not like I can hear them anywhere, unless I actually get them and listen for myself, and therefore, my comp can be said is filled with half of unwanted Japanese music or in other words: junk, while the rest that I actually enjoy seems to be only a handful. The weird thing is that I seem to enjoy those really bubbly, whacky, Japanese songs, those that classical music dudes would rather hear dogs barking instead of the songs that I am hearing, guess you get what I mean.

Okay, guess that’s all for today, pray for me guys, need all the prayers I can get to go through the first week, and err the few weeks after, and hope that I don’t get any serious infections that would make everything even worst. If possible I may bring back a picture of the blue chemo, which I am going through for the 1st week, since I already have a picture of the red chemo, but I am not letting it out in public because it’s errr disgusting… you’ll understand what I mean someday. Hmm, if all goes well, guess I may be strong enough to enjoy the Christmas celebration that I missed last year.