Better than life...

Alright, I am going to try to recap everything that had happened since the day I came to Singapore for treatment, as the other post was written a little hastily and missed out a lot details (that, and I have forgotten what I have written in that post). Well, if you’re too lazy to read just skip past the part that you think you have read ha-ha! And if you are too lazy to do that too, just skip to the 3rd [*], that’s the important part… I think.

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On the first day I was admitted to Mount Elizabeth Hospital (13th of March, Thursday), I had to undergo a minor surgery to insert a new line on the left side of my chest and remove the chemo-pod on the right, for back then while I was treated for relapse in Malaysia I was having an unidentified cause of fever for quite some time and at the end the suspected cause was an infection in my chemo-pod. The long wait for the fever to subside during my treatment in Malaysia, which didn’t of course as one needs to remove the chemo-pod first, was the reason for the delay in me going to Singapore to seek for further treatment.

Back to the minor surgery, I thought it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all as the general anesthetic makes you go soundly asleep and the next thing you know, voila, all is done when you wake up. Perhaps some pains later from the surgery, but nothing to worry about I thought. But this time around the general anesthetic gave me an incredible nauseous feeling the moment I regain consciousness and this is not something I expected, as normally for me having general anesthetic seems like taking some nice drug which allows you to sleep nicely and all (then again, those “drugs” give you a massive headache afterwards too ha-ha). But this time around when I regain consciousness I was struggling hard just to control not getting nauseous, and yet the nurses were pestering me to wake up and asking me to do something or another which was all a blur then to me. If I could talk then I would have just ask them to let me sleep in peace… I mean come on, I just undergo a surgery!

The next day I was scheduled for a cardiology test to check if my heart was strong enough to take one of the chemotherapy drug that was suppose to be given to me later on in the day. The moment I woke up I realized something wasn’t quite right, as I was still feeling dizzy and I was sure the general anesthetic effect should have been gone by now. Though the hospital treatment and technology here is generally much better compared to back at home, while I was being wheel chaired down to the cardiologist department I realized one thing better about Gleneagles Hospital back in Malaysia compared to this hospital:

Back in Gleneagles the patients and hospital staffs have their own service lifts, around 6 to 8 in fact that takes you from the ward to all the facilities in the hospital (surgery room, x-ray, etc) and is located away from the lifts used by visitors, meaning that the patients will almost never see any outsiders in their path; over here though there seems to be only one service lift and this lift is located together with the visitors lift (they use a key to enable the usage of that one lift), and not only that, the corridor to the facilities (that’s including the surgery room) is the same as where every outsider/visitor walks through and flow. I don’t know about you guys, but it seems really weird to me to see a Coffee Bean stall just beside you while you’re being push to surgery room or wheel chaired into some department. It’s like you are in some shopping mall, but I am in a hospital! Is my mind playing tricks on me?!!

So having the dizziness and headache I went through the cardio test half asleep, once in awhile being awaken by the cold gel-like substance on the detector. I tried to take in as much data as I can about what was going on though, as it was my first time seeing my heart pumping on a screen, which was kind of fascinating I must say, ha-ha! The test result of my heart turns out that it wasn’t strong enough to take in the chemotherapy drug mentioned, and with that, the doctor decided to cancel that drug from the treatment plan as it was better to let the heart rest and get ready for the transplant than risking it getting anymore weaker than it is now. Hmm… I wanted to go: “YES! Less chemo drugs!” as less drugs meant less side effects and stress on my body, but… at the same time the treatment being less potent may have it’s negatives --- less effectiveness perhaps. Then again, the doctor said that the gain is much more than the negatives, and since doctors knows best, I guess that’s one less chemo-drug to worry about.

With that test result out I then started my 5 days of salvage chemotherapy treatment, which involves a chemo-drug that runs for 20 hours and administered for each 5 days, and another one that last for 45 minutes (I think…) for 5 days. In all honestly the chemo-drug that runs for 20 hours was a real pain. Maybe it’s just my mentality, but having chemo going into you non-stop makes me feel like I am drinking poison slowly over time and thus make my whole body feel really sick and uncomfortable. And with 20 hours my body can’t even take a break at all as the chemo just keeps coming in. This is the reason why “sometimes” I prefer those stronger chemo-drugs which takes around 15-45 minutes to completion as even though they have stronger side effects, I seem to be able to rest sooner and not be dreaded by the thought of chemo going into my body. And back then while I had that chemo-drug that ran for 24 hours for ONE day I thought it was really suffering, imagine 5 days of 20 hours now.

And it wasn’t soon before long that I realized why I was still having the dizziness and headache even after resting for a day since getting the general anesthetic side effect. Once again the headache and dizziness was caused by the instability of the cerebral fluid or something like that by the lamba puncture procedure, which I had experienced before previously. It got worst with the chemotherapy and that made me stay in bed the whole day as even if I just lift my head any higher than the sleeping position, it will give my head a great deal of pain and dizziness, and with that dizziness it makes me nauseous (nauseous from the dizziness, not the chemo). And though I was protected with many anti-nausea drugs, which I really thank God for, yet I could still feel as if the chemo-drugs are swelling up in my brain which makes me hard to sleep and rest, especially since then I “was” always in a sleeping position. I had to switch my head position often just to find the perfect spot where I could sleep peacefully, as weirdly each time I position my head differently on the pillow I am able to get some sweet rest.

Even though eating “should not” be a problem, as I wasn’t feeling nauseous at all (though appetite wise, it wasn‘t really good during the first week where the chemotherapy was administered), I can’t eat solid food as I can’t stay longer than 5 minutes sitting up. Thank God for nutrition drinks which could sustain me then, as one can gulp down a cup in less than a minute, therefore sparing me from having to be fed through IV drips.

To add to my problems of immobility and pain from the headaches and dizziness, I developed a severe rash on my body on the 5th day of my salvage chemotherapy treatment… just when I thought I could avoid this side-effect which was mentioned by my doctor, as he told me that I may develop rashes from this chemo-drug. It seems really mild at first, just like the allergy I have when I transfuse blood platelets which was just itchiness and some bumps growing on the skin, so I was scratching my back (which was the starting site of the rash) and thinking that after a while it will go away. It didn’t --- instead it started to crawl up towards my whole body and eventually most of my whole body was red with rashes. Eventually the rashes that were formed on the palm of my hands and sole of my foot were the ones causing trouble, as they hurt when you exert pressure on it (though in my opinion the rashes on my arms were the more scary looking ones). And later on I realized how severe the rash was on those spots when the skin on them started to peel off, like it got burned or something.

And the problems of immobility just doesn’t stop there. Back then in Malaysia when I had two infusion pumps I was already like: “Woah, so hard to push!” Right now I have a total of a maximum of four infusion pumps to push around if I ever need to move about. There are four of them this time as they needed to run in the hydration, the chemo-drug, the antibiotics all at one go. The toilet having a badly designed ramp into it isn’t helping much either --- for a sick person to push all that weight over a bump to enter the bathroom seems almost impossible, which was why I need to trouble my mom to stay overnight here with me in the hospital in order to take care of me. With all those pumps running at one go, and red and green lights blinking on it all the while, it seems to lit up like a Christmas Tree at night. The other reason why I needed my mom to stay overnight with me was the fact that over here you need to calculate the input and output of my body quite accurately; because of that, even with a nice toilet here I seldom use it as most of the time I urinate inside the erm… bottle like thingy to do the measurement. I guess it’s a blessing in disguise as pushing the pumps all the way into the bathroom seems more of a hassle anyway. Then again, it really gets annoying when the nurses keeps asking you about your input and output all the time, especially if you can‘t remember what the volume was or when you take in a lot of food and you need to start thinking about what you ate one by one. If the input is very much more than the output they will inject me with this drug that would induce me to urinate, and that causes me to need to use the bathroom… I mean bottle… about 3 times in a row in a span of 30 minutes or so, and to add to my problems they do it while I am still sleeping in the morning… of all the times. Thankfully the nurses were more considerate later on and gave me the drug only when I am wide awake.

~Oh, a side note. the doctors here in Singapore somehow always seems to tell you the worst case scenario of everything that they are doing. For example, before the surgery for the insertion of the new line the surgeon told me about what he was going to do, then later on to what may go wrong, then to the worst case scenario, which was that they need to put in a pipe through my lungs as the needle they are going to put in my veins may penetrate through them and go in the lungs, making it puff up and they need the pipe to pull the air out. Kind of scary when you hear it, but then again, it at least allows you to be prepared and not get shocked when you wake up with something other than what you expected. Same goes with the hematology doctor, who told me all the side effects that I may get prior to giving me the chemo: severe rash which I have already mentioned, mouth sores and diarrhea, just to name a few.

And talking about diarrhea…. This was one of the side effects from chemotherapy that I had never experience before even after like 18 cycles of chemo previously and now that I had it, it happened in a really embarrassing way. I think it was in the wee hours of the morning and during then my physical condition wasn’t really good, everything seems rather chaotic and my body doesn’t seems to be in sync with my mind (I think I was about to get a fever… if I remember that is). Well, I decided to pass out some gas and because of the confuse state of my mind then, I just decided to go all out without erm, like testing… if you know what I mean. Instead of the usual *woosh* sound, a loud *splurt* was heard and the first thing in my mind was: “Awww man, all the mess that I have made!!!!” Remember that I was still having the severe headache and dizziness, and it really was a hassle just to go clean up in the bathroom and trying to hold in the pain from the headache. Not to mention the mess I made on the bed for the nurses to clean up… ughh… it makes me feel like I am some kid who doesn’t know how to use the bathroom.

By experiencing diarrhea in this course of chemotherapy, I think I had experience almost all the major side effects there is for chemotherapy found in the book of childhood leukemia that I have back at home, except for pneumonia that is. Praying to God that I don’t have that as it seems the hardest to get through and cured compared to all the others.

After a few days I was able to sit up long enough to be able to eat normally, yet there came another problem --- the food that enters my mouth doesn’t have any taste at all (or drinks for that matter). Apparently it’s another one of the side effects from chemotherapy and I if I am right this should also be a first for me too. I am not sure if it’ because my tongue isn’t that sensitive to taste anymore because of the chemotherapy or perhaps of the mucus like thingy that seems to be all over my mouth that is causing almost anything to feel tasteless. Unless the food has an extreme taste -- either too sweet, salty or perhaps bitter (thank God there wasn’t any food like that as of now) I would only be able to taste them.

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Well, writing up to this point you can see that I started out my chemotherapy treatment this time at a pretty bad shape and even I myself expected that it would go all the way downhill as then I still had some white blood cells to defend my body, imagine what happens when I don’t have any left --- first thing that came to my mind was the pain from infections, the fevers that I need to suffer day by day and perhaps severe mouth ulcers --- that was what experience told me from going through heavy chemotherapy like this.

But by the amazing grace of God, and I really really mean AMAZING! The hardest part of this chemotherapy was only during the starting of it all, during the administration of the chemo-drug and perhaps plus minus a few days after that, where I was feeling quite tired and all. After the end of the last chemo, my headache and dizziness got better really quick, each day I could stay up longer and longer and eventually it wasn’t there anymore (took around approximately 3 days after the end of the chemo). After those short dreaded days, everything seems to go just fine and getting better each day instead. So fine in fact that I wish it would just stay this way so I wouldn’t need to face the fear of the next chemotherapy treatment *chuckle*.

I really thank God that He hears our prayers. I remembered the Sunday before I left for Singapore, where the pastoral council came and prayed for me, I brought out the prayer request that the side effects from the chemotherapy treatment will not be present, or at least kept at a minimal so that this treatment would be easier to go through… though in my human wisdom I was kind of expecting the worst in all honesty. But give thanks to God that though I was doubting in His power to deliver me from all these sufferings, yet He showed His grace upon me and allow me to rest in comfort and peace, peace that surpasses all understanding in Christ Jesus.

And God really works in a wonderful way. Though I was suffering from some of the side effects from chemotherapy and at first it seems like a pain to have it, yet God used these side effects to prevent me from getting other side effects that are even worst and which I fear even more. For example:

~Diarrhea was one of the side effects that I didn’t had before and by all means I don’t want to have it… I mean like who wants to get sick right? But by having diarrhea, it in a way prevents me from getting the opposite extreme of it which was constipation. The problem with having constipation is that since my platelet count is so low and the stool is so hard, I bleed almost certainly when I do my business and that gives me an infection when my white cell count is at a zero. Out of all the pain I suffered I must say that the pain from getting an anal infection would be one of the worst I have ever experienced. It’s one of the only reason where I hope my white cell count doesn’t go up as once my body starts to fight the infections on it’s own again the pain comes. The pain feels like someone is trying to tear your butt apart sideways and it wouldn’t be much of a problem if one only feels the pain once in awhile, but constantly 24/7 without any rest… that will really drive anyone insane. Not only that, there’s this itchiness inside it that makes you go crazy too, couldn‘t sleep because of it last time. By having diarrhea, my stools are soft, which prevents bleeding when I past motion and with that completely avoiding the possibility of me having an anal infection. In fact, this is one of the times where I don’t even need to worry about the risk of constipation when I do my business compared to the other times when my white cell counts drop to an all time low, as it’s always soft. And before you go: “Yeah, yeah, but what about the trouble of having to keep using the bathroom continuously and the lost of so much water causing dehydration?” By the grace of God, after the day where I made that mess on the bed, most of my motion are more on the soft side, yet not liquid enough (hope you guys understand my description, ha-ha!) to be considered as diarrhea anymore, to me at least. So in a way to summarize, I don’t have to face the trouble of having to use the bathroom continuously because of diarrhea, yet I have really soft stools (even till today) that prevents me from getting constipation, and with that sparing me from the horrible pain that I thought I would have to face. I guess the only trouble would be since the stool is so soft, most of the time when I want to urine, I seem to always need to do my motion too, ha-ha, but that’s a price I am definitely willing to pay.

~Besides that, the other side effect I mentioned was tastelessness. From what I think, it was caused by a layer of mucus that was formed in the mouth lining which makes me unable to taste anything, but… this mucus in a way also protected my mouth from getting sores as it’s quite thick. It’s thick enough that when I drink hot water apparently it becomes cold when it reaches the mucus (the mucus are at it’s thickest at the tongue and the tip of my mouth). With this mucus, my mouth couldn’t become dry at all and thus avoiding my mouth from tearing apart and bleed, as the chemotherapy destroys the mouth linings too. It also prevents food from scratching the linings of the mouth, thus causing less damage, and with that preventing ulcers from happening.

With that, you can see the two side-effects that should be troublesome turn out to help me in return by the grace of God. And God’s love and care for me just doesn’t stop there. In my mind I readily expected that when I undergo this chemotherapy session I would need to at least suffer a week long of fever. Not trying to be a pessimist here, but when I had the chemotherapy in Malaysia for my relapse it was quite a strong one, and then I had fever… what more now where I am having a chemotherapy treatment that is 12 times stronger than that. I was prepared for the worst, and it didn’t help that the fever started even when my white cell counts weren’t at rock bottom yet, just pass a few days after the 5 days of chemotherapy administration. Yet again by God’s grace the hospital treatment here treats fever really differently compare to what they do normally back in Malaysia. In Malaysia, when I get a fever the doctor put on antibiotics and does a blood culture and all that, but the fever still stays there… and I will need to take in the suffering from the fever till my white cell count goes back up again and my body could defend for itself, which would mean around a week plus. Over here on the other hand, when there’s a fever… well they still do the same thing such as giving me antibiotics and do a blood culture… but weirdly the fever actually gets CURED instead of lingering around till my white cell counts are back up again. So in short, whenever I get a fever, the doctor will start to administer antibiotics (viral, fungal, bacteria) and make sure that the fever goes away as soon as possible, which is normally just in that day itself where the fever won‘t reoccur anymore. The idea here is that the fever has to settle down as that means there isn’t any bacteria left that are causing the infections… I am wondering why in Malaysia that isn’t the case though, you mean they put all those antibiotics yet they still can’t kill any of the those bad bacteria at all? Nevertheless, I really thank God as with that, I don’t need to suffer day after day having to bear the effects of fever --- extreme shivering, then excessive sweating, then a short moment of rest, rinse and repeat… ouchies…

For once I am glad that I was wrong in my prediction and that the worst part of this whole treatment was at the start, and it got all the better as time passes instead of worst even with the white cell count down. I guess I got to ask God for forgiveness as in some ways I was actually doubting that He could carry me through this trial easily and give me rest and peace that is more than I could imagine. But God still showed His love for me by letting me enjoy in comfort more than the days where I need to suffer from discomfort and pain.

I can say that I am enjoying in comfort so much that I am actually using up my energy getting frustrated at trivial matters instead. The first would be getting mad at Window’s Vista, as just trying to set it up and making it run without any glitch or errors seems like some kind of miracle. I guess I used up one whole week with my blood boiling just trying to set this operating system up and at the end it turns out even worst than it started. Thankfully for Dell laptops there is this function to set it back to it’s original factories setting, and by resetting it back to square one, voila, somehow it “seems” better… though the laptop still hangs every now and then even till now. At least after the factory reset I got my built-in microphone to function once more, was wondering how come MSN says that I don’t have a microphone installed when it already is built in it. Hmm… then again, I lost all my Hillsong collection in my hard drive as I reset the whole thing, and a few days worth of updating and installing… but hey, at least my game programs were saved in another hard disk ha-ha, so not too bad.

The other thing that kind of bothers me is that though there are 30 channels to watch here, only around 7 channels are “watchable“… the others are foreign channels which I have no idea what they are talking about as I think they come from the middle-east. And even with the 7 channels that I “could” watch, I don’t know why but the same shows keeps on repeating and repeating and repeating all over again. I mean, if you can see the same episode of American Idol 3 times in a span of 6 hours something is wrong here. Besides that, in Singapore they seem to monopolize the live football events (except the local Singapore league) and with that you can’t watch any live soccer on ESPN, only replays and more replays in order to fill the gap they took out from the live shows. Now that I think about it, Astro really is generous as they let you see every football match there is on the sports channel where else over here you need to pay a separate one just to watch it, and that doesn’t include the upcoming Euro Cup too I think.

Ha-ha, not trying to be an ungrateful brat here, but this is where I started to realized that when I actually could “feel” bored or frustrated from things that has nothing to do with my treatment, it means that my body is running just fine. And with that, nowadays I thank God whenever boredom comes to my mind or getting frustrated with trivial matter such as the channels on TV instead of being gloomy and all, as that means His grace is so sufficiently poured out to me that my mind focuses on other more… erm trivial things, ha-ha! For when the chemotherapy treatment is really tough, most of the time my mind would be focus on just trying to get past the day as quickly as possible and I do that by sleeping all the while, not being to do anything else at all (besides praying to God, which is the one advantage when one suffers).

I really thank God that this time around I came to Singapore, as the treatment and facilities here is way better than that in Malaysia. I know, I know I mentioned it a thousand times already, but it really is that good. Firstly I am in an air-filtered isolation room so that the air I breath in here isn’t contaminated from the outside (well, back home there also was 2 of these rooms, but apparently they are also used by other people instead, over here there are much more isolation rooms to be spared). In each room the hospital also put all the equipments such as the syringes, Micropore (those white color band aids), alcohol swabs, etc inside for my own usage, so it isn‘t generally mix with all the rest. The mechanical gadgets here too are better, back home the infusion pumps always seems to be faulty and if an error do appear they pop up as weird numbers which you must interpret, over here though the pumps work more efficiently and at least the screens show words in English what the error is if they do occur (though because it‘s more sophisticated I can‘t activate the machine on my own). In terms of treatment I guess one had a glimpse of how good it was by them being able to sustain my fever where else in Malaysia they couldn’t. They really pamper you here: Like for the injections they actually ask me if I wanted the anesthetic cream so that I wouldn’t need to feel any pain; I could have my Neupogen injections (to raise white cell counts) as IV drips so I don’t need to suffer the pain (now I am back to having it injected as the effects are better, compared to 1 dose last time now I have 4 doses, injected at 2 intervals though); the doctor administers a certain kind of drug that protects my mouth lining and stomach lining (doctor says they are connected, meaning if the mouth lining tears apart so does the stomach, and most of the infections are caused by the guts apparently) at the beginning of the treatment, which was why the mucus appears I think; and not to forget the continuous hourly Zofran that prevents me from feeling nauseous at all. It’s like as long as there is something that is making you uncomfortable, and you tell the doctor, he will try to find a drug or a way to counter react it, unlike back in Malaysia where it seems that I must toughen up and bear with it as even with some of the drugs given it doesn’t seem to work. Nevertheless, with this great and careful treatment it also comes with a price, no, not in terms of money, but it’s just that they will keep bothering you with all the check-ups (checking my temperature and blood pressure hourly) and procedures (administering more drugs for example) whenever there is a complication like having a fever or perhaps when my blood pressure went up higher than normal. The check-ups are so frequent, they keep coming in and out of the room, that I can‘t even catch a wink of peaceful sleep for a moment… and I was so fatigue then when I have the complications. And even when I am feeling alright, I guess they still bother me with all the asking about my input and output (I even need to describe how my motion was in the bathroom: soft, moderate amount, brown…). Not to forget, the nurses here are strict too, mom couldn’t heat up the food with the heater we brought unlike in Malaysia because of the fear of causing a fire and somehow the nurses here like the air-con to be at super cold… so even when I put it to my liking they will tweak it back to the coldest without my knowledge--- so cold that it feels like winter, with the reason that it could prevent from certain infections… anyone can confirm this? (thank God that now I manage to get use with the cold, as in a way it prevents me from sweating when I sleep). And there is also this thing that annoys me somehow, if the nurse check my blood pressure when I am sitting up and it’s alright, then the next time I sit up but the counts are at a low side, the nurse will ask me to lie down and check again… now doesn’t that make the calculations a little inconsistent, there is a different variable in it right why all the trouble of checking again? The nurses will keep rechecking the blood pressure on both my hands, asking me to change my position, changing from the automatic machine to using the manual to check the blood pressure --- till the blood pressure is at what I normally have, otherwise they will have to report to the doctor and once again they administer some drugs to raise the blood pressure. Maybe it’s just me, as back in Malaysia they don’t really bother when it comes to the results of the blood pressures, so to me over here it seems like they are just so fussy and they make a big deal out of it (but I got to know that it is that big of a deal as it tells if I am getting an infection/complication or not… apparently).

Then again, I guess it’s with all these troublesome check-ups and extra strict care that prevents me from having to suffer even worst consequences from the side effects and infections. Hey, I should be thankful to God that they take all this extra trouble in order for me to not get sick instead of complaining, ha-ha!

Thank God though that as of now I am able to sleep more and more soundly as each day pass. I am getting less and less “interruptions” at night nowadays and even if I do I can immediately go to sleep again in peace and comfort, unlike earlier where the best time to sleep was weirdly in the morning as the nurses bother me less compared to during the night, where drugs are constantly administered and all.

Hmm… oh, and there’s this weird drug that almost got me addicted to it. The drug’s original usage was to protect me from getting reactions from a certain anti-viral drug that I was taking, but it has a drowsy/sleepy like side-effect whenever it was administered into my body. At first it was a huge problem as they administer the drug just when I wake up in the morning, which of course, makes me go back to sleep again almost immediately. The feeling is like getting a dose of general anesthetic, but not enough to make you doze of straight away just yet, thus in a way it gives you that weird, floating-sleepy feeling that seems quite… pleasant (or should i say, really pleasant). It actually reminds me of the time back in Malaysia where the general anesthetic was not strong enough to put me to sleep when they did the bone marrow tap, making me feel really sleepy, no pain but at the same time still awake. So… being the smart guy I asked the doctor if it’s possible to put the anti-viral at night just before I sleep (I guess you don’t need a smart guy to figure this out though), so that it wouldn’t trouble me in the morning. The doctor agreed, and for a time I actually kind of needed that drug just to fall asleep. And I know I was a little addicted to it when the doctor said one day that my body had no problems with the anti-viral drug thus it’s okay to remove the “weird” drug. In my mind I wanted to say: “Noooo… let’s just be cautious and use the drug a few more days…” but I know if I do that it would mean I was dependant on that drug to sleep… but that drowsy feeling is pleasant…. Arghhh!! Thankfully, I was still able to sleep normally the day it was removed though, phew.

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Okay, now on to what is currently happening around here.

As I have mentioned in the previous post, the bone marrow bank managed to find a perfect match donor in Taiwan, who was a male at 34 years of age. Though he registered himself as a donor, yet this guy has every right to reject donating, and disappointingly this dude is one of those guys. Apparently from what I heard from the Sister (they call the personals that help the doctor in this way I think) his parents… yeah, you got that right, his parents object him from donating. Weird right… I mean you are 34 years old already lorh., still need parents to decide meh. It really was bad news, that was the only perfect match donor I have left, without him I would have to resort to cord blood which doesn’t have a complete match and I need 2 of it. Funny thing is, then I wasn’t afraid at all… maybe that’s because I know God knows what He’s doing; coming to this point where you know human wisdom and power can‘t save you anymore, you will depend only on God and God alone too.

And what do you know, before I could even respond to that news the Sister than continue saying that they manage to find another 2 potential perfect match donors in Taiwan instead, the only problem would be that the bone marrow results for these two are at a low resolution, meaning that there may still be a chance that it wouldn’t match perfectly. Woah, what a turn of events! Even the doctor said that it could be blessing in disguise that the 34 years old donor didn’t donate, as in these 2 new donors, one of them was a male at the age of 21 (the other was female), and the doctor said that a younger donor of the same sex would have a better outcome (the doctor said if it's a female it will cause more problem --- all of us laughed as it seems like a really sexist joke).

The good news just doesn’t stop there. By evening --- the same day --- the Sister came again and told us that the donor had decided to donate and he can donate at any day of the year except June the 25th to 30th. Now that was quick, and instead of giving the days he could donate he just gave the date where he couldn‘t donate, how awesome is that! The first donor didn’t had any news at all for more than a week, this one took just 2 to 3 days to respond! (They found the news about the new donors days before, but didn’t told us just yet as the doctor went for a conference in Italy, thus the confirmation at the same day we heard the good news itself).

And if that is good hear this --- just yesterday the doctor got the blood results from the donor and found out in high resolution that the new donor was not a perfect match (what da, you call that good??!) BUT… the only mismatching part that was found in the donor, according to the newest research he says, is better to be a mismatch as it will give a higher chance to help to fight off the leukemia cells (this is section C). The other important part (section DR) that needs to be a match are matching and apparently for this section they say mine was a bit to the uncommon side, so at first I thought I heard the doctor said it was a mismatch for this section… but how come he seems to be smiling (he was wearing a mask though, but could see that he was happy), then he said: “No, it’s a match.” Phew! Now what do you say about that?! God’s love and ways are amazing! He do hears our prayers when we cry out to Him.

Our God really is better than life itself. If you get too lazy to read everything above, I’ll just summarize what I want to say: That the love of God is so great that no pen and paper can ever describe it completely. Just see the testimony above, and I haven’t included the love of God showed through Jesus Christ His son yet and all the other blessing I have experienced too. He has really given me a so much peace, comfort and joy here that sometimes I just feel guilty to call this a trial when I explain it to others. Not counting the sufferings at the start of this treatment, I must still say there are still some tough moments with the fever, but those are really minor compared to the vast amount of days where I can relax in comfort and peace. Oh, and before I forgot, the food here is good too and with the great appetite that God has given me, I guess you guys wouldn’t need to worry about my eating here (though my weight has been fluctuating with water retentions, manage to retain 4kg of water at the early stages of treatment, making my weight go all up to 54 kg. Now I am more stable and back to 49 kg, with each day adding 1 kg then minus it again… never seems to be stable).

Nevertheless, I still hope that you all will continue to pray for me, especially as of now I need my white cell counts to go up fast. Not because I want to go home faster, ha-ha, but apparently if the white cell counts doesn’t go up, it would be one thing or another: either my marrow is weak, which would be a good thing, or that the leukemia cells are still in the marrow disrupting the recovery and that‘s bad. Previously if I have the Neupogen injection and the white cell counts start rising it will double up day after day, unfortunately now it goes up at a constant rate instead and sometimes even drop, and this is with four times the dosage. I will need to do a marrow tap and the outcome from the marrow will decide if I will need to undergo another chemotherapy treatment or just go ahead with the transplant. Thus I will need your prayers that the leukemia cells would be gone from my bone marrow, as it will also decides if my body would be spared from having to undergo radiotherapy treatment before the transplant too. Besides that I would need your continued prayers for the donor too, as even though the marrow is matching now, to be able to donate he needs to have a healthy body and one that is free from diseases (hepatitis for example), so as to protect both the health of the donor and my own safety. Oh, and also do pray and thank God for all the good things that He has showered upon me too!

Alright, to update you guys on what will happen to me next, after the white cell counts goes back up I will need to undergo a harvestation of my stem cells to serve as a parachute (or backup in layman terms) if the donor’s bone marrow fail to graft into my body. This is to save myself as before the transplant I am going to completely destroy my own bone marrow, making me unable to produce any cells on my own anymore and with my own stem cells stored I would be able to have something to produce those cells in case the donor’s bone marrow refuse to cooperate with my body. Well, I would also have to go for a bone marrow tap as mentioned in the paragraph above to check the status of the marrow and a lamba puncture too to prevent the leukemia cells from attacking my brain instead. Ughh… will need your prayers that the lamba puncture wouldn’t give me that massive dizziness and headache yet again.

Phew and with that I finally finished updating my journal! Sorry for the wait… as I have said long ago somewhere in my blog (or did I tell it to someone instead), that if I don’t write for a long time it is either one thing or the other: either I am suffering so badly that I can’t even write, or that I am enjoying so much that I am too lazy to write, ha-ha. Thank God that it’s the latter, though sadly it’s when I am suffering I tend to write more frequently… it should be the opposite right?

Well, to end this post I will just have to say:

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever. (1 Chronicles 16:34)

Indeed, our God is better than life.

Tired... and happy Easter too =)

Tired.

I guess the only time I am not that tired would be in the morning when I just wake up. Then I’ll start to run out of energy as time passes. By the time dinner arrives I could only force a few bites of food into my mouth then I’ll get just too tired to go on. Ha-ha, eating and going to the bathroom seems like a chore all a sudden.

Nevertheless, I really thank God that as of now I don’t few any pain or discomfort, and that’s a relief. I really prefer having to sleep all day as it beats having to suffer pain any time.

My cell count has dropped to 0.1. The doctor estimates that it takes around another 10 days to get it back up to a safe level. Guess I got to depend on God’s mighty hand to keep me free from infections till then.

And right now I am still trying to figure out how in the world I added 2 kg in just one day. Since knowing what goes in and out of my body is a priority here, I get my weight check everyday, and somehow it just went up from 50 kg to 52 kg today, should be a good thing I must say. But maybe that has something to do with the bloated tummy I am having right now… hope it’s nothing serious.

Sorry for the randomness, but my head somehow seems like a blur today.

Oh, and happy belated Easter guys! Our Lord has risen, and He has risen indeed! The one true God who loves us so much that He send His one and only son, so that we will not be condemned by sin, but justified through faith by His blood on the cross. And it’s with this salvation that I have peace in Christ, though everything seems so chaotic and uncertain around me.

New blogs...

Something light today…

Realized that all the younger youths in my church… okay, maybe not that young right now as everyone has grown up, (admit it Ju Liang)… are creating blogs.

It’s an interesting read as I get an insight of what those people are thinking. And best of all, they write it short and sweet, unlike mine, which makes it an even better read (except Clement’s blog that is).

Well, something fun to read to past my time haha! (And a link update too)

Difficulty level: Hardest

Alright I’ll skip the entire time I was in hospital in KL (February) for a later date as the time I can be sitting upright is limited. So I’ll just be updating the things that are happening now.

As of right now I am in Singapore, Mount Elizabeth Hospital for treatment, currently going under 5 days salvage chemotherapy (and of course at least 3 weeks of recovery), and hopefully a transplant later.

Okay, thanksgiving first:

It was a bummer that they weren’t any donor match in Singapore as that would be very much easier to be managed, but still I really thank God that they manage to find a full match bone marrow donor from Taiwan, but, that’s not the end of the line as the donor can have the authority to reject donating because of… well, any reason he or she wants actually. Now I understand why they don’t tell you the name of the donor immediately, as one who has a grudge against the donor for not donating can track the person down and you know, take the marrow forcefully, haha. That, and they have to make sure the donor does not have any kind of disease that could spread to me, (HIV, hepatitis, etc.) so much prayer needed.

Another thing to thank God for would be that I finally manage to get through the 5 days of salvage chemotherapy! Though I must say with much difficulty (especially at night, where I keep having déjà vu’s. Apparently the same thing keeps happening: My head feels like exploding; I look at the clock (which seems a blur to me without my specs); the nurses are putting in more antibiotics or taking blood -- and with that I sleep better during daytime than at night). The other hard part was that one of the chemo drug last for 20 hours and have to be administered on each of the 5 days, and back then I was thinking that 24 hours for one day was bad. But the grace of Christ was evident in the sense that the side effects didn’t come all at once:

1. From the first day I was having a bad headache from either the chemotherapy or lamba puncture. Whenever I sit up I’ll get a headache.
2. Just as that was starting to get better the fever started acting up.
3. On the 5^th day of the salvage chemotherapy I developed rashes that hurt if I put pressure on it.
4. And as of today (which is the 6^th day) I had diarrhoea. But by today my headache wasn’t all that bad anymore, which is why I can write down something on the journal.

Oh, and I really really thank God that they have a great way to prevent nausea and vomiting. Hourly Zofran! (and another 2 anti-nausea/vomiting drugs). But even with what seems like an overkill I still felt nauseous and had some dry vomiting, though compared to last time this is very much better.

As you can see God was really gracious as the rashes and diarrhoea were caused by the chemotherapy, and that ended just today. Imagine what it would be if it started at the 1^st or 2^nd day. Ughh, the worst part would be the fact that I am really immobile: I think you will need to be a super human to push 4 infusions pump to go to the toilet over here as their ramp in the toilet seems a little, badly plan I must say (imagine those self made bumps on the road in Malaysia). The nurses were all saying: “No, no, all patient also can push in,” Yeah right, I tried pushing with one hand and it wouldn’t even move, what more with my dizziness and diarrhoea, I think I would have crap in my pants before I can even successfully open the toilet door.

That, and the thing is this hospital does things at the finest details. I have to measure every single cup of water I drank and everything that comes out of me (except when I pass motion of course, not sure how you count that) and record it down. Without mom staying here with me I am a goner, would need to keep pressing the call bell for the nurse for help. Besides, this doctor of mine plays well, defensive medication, if there is such a term, as he gives medication for every single infection that may come my way (I never heard of having a portable X-ray machine here back in KL, just to make sure I don’t get pneumonia I think). I guess the advantages would be that fewer infections would happen meaning less sufferings to bear, but having to put all those antibiotics, doing all those procedures and eating pills seems like a drag though. Then again, we must do the best on our part as we humanly can, while the things that can’t be control we leave it to God. You got to take care and love your own body, as your body is the temple of God.

Oh, and yeah, I took off my chemo-pod… only to be put in with another line at my left chest (Weirdly, taking out the chemo-pod doesn’t hurt as much as when I put it in). Well, in all honesty I still prefer the chemo-pod compared to what I have now, as this line needs a higher maintenance as it’s always exposed unlike the chemo-pod which was under the skin. But well, infection wise this is better as you can just remove it without going to the operating theatre. At first the doctor thought I had this line instead of the chemo-pod, so on the first day of meeting he said: “Alright, let’s take out the line now and put in a new one tomorrow.” I was like: “Wow, Singapore’s medical technology has advanced so far that they can take out chemo-pods that easily?! Amazing!” Well, later he found out it was a chemo-pod and with that, I gained another day before having to be admitted to the hospital. (Hoo-ray for me)

But besides all the complains, this hospital is top notch I must say: their bathroom can be said to be better than the one I have at home; they have a plasma TV (well, a small one though); and their infusion pumps don’t make sounds when they are working unlike back home. The way they take blood also seems different: it’s like they just put in a needle with a line, then they start drawing blood after blood in 6 tubes under around 30 seconds, wow! And being here you feel like you are not in Singapore at all: apparently most of the nurses here come from overseas, and the patients too. Not that I can say anything, as I am a foreigner here too. (When they ask for your ID during payment, they will ask for either your passport or identification card, I don’t think you hear “passport” from the hospitals here in Malaysia).

It is really tough this time though. I have just started the chemotherapy and I am already suffering with all these side effects. And that’s with the reduction of another chemotherapy because my heart, according to the doctor, was too weak to take it. The worst has yet to come, which is when my white cell count drops.

But well, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. And if it wasn’t for the supernatural peace that transcends from Christ upon me, I think I would have give up long ago. And besides, our God is an all loving, almighty, and holy God. He definitely knows our limit, and would not let us suffer in vain. All I can do now is to trust in Him, knowing that He knows best.

Well, I guess I’ll just have to:

Run, run, run the race

Keep, keep, keep the pace

Run the race, keep the pace

Keep your eyes on Jesus.

Just bring it...

Okay, I am not one to rant and complain about life, but I’ll just write it down because it’s my thoughts on the whole thing.

Well… the post that I was suppose to post up should be a happy one, one about what happened during October, November, December and perhaps some things here and there in January. But, the only reason I am posting today is to let anyone who’s reading this to know that -

I got a relapse… and I am not joking at all.

Even as of now it’s rather hard to take in all that is going on. I must say honestly I feel kind of betrayed, frustrated, and hopeless even… as all the suffering I have gone through for 1 and a half years seems to be in vain. I mean, I suffered 1 and a half years just to rest 6 months and now I need to go for an even more terrible ordeal!? No way!

I don’t know why, but all this while at the back of my head I knew I’ll definitely go through a relapse at least once. Of course, it’s not like I wanted it to happen and say: “Hey guys! My spider-senses were right! Hooray for me!” as by all means if it didn’t happen I’ll be way happier.

I hardly felt anything ‘physically’ was amidst prior to the relapse….though my stomach was acting funny as I keep feeling nauseous; I had internal bleeding when I play futsal after erm 2 years? And my head always have this painful compression whenever I woke up. All could be dismissed due to the chemotherapy pills that I was taking. The usual symptoms weren’t there: severe headache, swollen lymph nodes, extreme tiredness (I did manage to play a game of futsal), which is why this news of relapse came as a total surprise.

Imagine the irony: Sis. Patricia asked me if I could play bass this Sunday for worship. I agreed at first, but remembered that I had the monthly check-up, which by all means I know something will definitely pop up one way or another, though not to the extend of something terrible like a relapse. Because of that I messaged her saying that I won’t be able to make it. She replied if everything was okay and this is the part where it gets ironic. I thought to myself: “Nah, small matter, don’t need to ask for any prayer request lah”, exactly the same thought I had after the dance rehearsal where Ainah asked the dance team to pray for me for my swollen lymph node which I thought was nothing then. And surprise, surprise, both was equally more shocking then expected.

Now that I think about it, it was pretty silly too. I was more worried that both my doctors won’t be able to do both LP and the bone marrow tap at the same time which would be a real hassle more than the thoughts of the fear that the check my turn up as a relapse. Well, I did told my parents that this 2 were the fears I had on the way to the hospital, but I thought in no way I was going to have a relapse, thus the more trivial fear seems scarier then.

But in some ways, I knew something like this was coming. God has a weird way of telling me that a really hard trial is about to come my way. Most of the time when I hear Christian songs just for fun I won’t have much of and emotion or anything, but… when something like this is about to happen somehow tears will always flow out of my eyes whenever I hear or sing out the lyrics. It was the same thing before I first got admitted to the hospital for relapse: imagine crying to Hillsong’s “Tell the world”, which was suppose to be an upbeat praise song. This time around though I was hearing 2008’s VBS songs (don’t ask me why I am hearing it that early though).

On the day I was admitted for my check up 2 days ago, which was a Friday, I knew something wasn’t quite right when the atmosphere seems… different. The nurses sounds funny, no one was in the room at all to tell me what’s happening, and this is what I dread the most: having the fear that something bad is going to happen, but no one to confirm it and take the fear away. The waiting part seems to be the killer. But by evening around 6 I got the news from mom, and as anyone could expect, I was really devastated. I didn’t want to accept the news; I keep telling myself that it must be some kind of mistake: that it should be an overdose in the chemotherapy pills that I am taking or perhaps the doctor read the information wrongly. I didn’t wanted to accept the news at all (my mind was thinking about what ifs for the whole night) till I heard it from the doctor myself the next day, and that’s when I started to stop struggling, for I know then nothing can be changed anymore.

To tell you the truth, this time around I was scared to death. And I mean really really scared. It could be that last time at the first week though I was scared, I was too tired to think, and besides God’s peace was upon me somehow through grace to give me a head start in the race thus making the fear bearable at that time. But I guess later after courses of chemotherapy, though I know I had to depend on God very much to go through leukemia, somewhere in the back of my head was also telling me that the odds were favoring me. Everything seems to be above 50 percent success. In a way, I guess it feels like I have a fail-safe device and I could juggle between God and human’s wisdom. In a way it makes it easier to not think about the consequences too much, and in that way I didn’t rely too much on faith. On the other hand, now that I have a relapse, the odds are against me. It is harder to go into remission; I am forced to do a bone-marrow transplant, and every thing I read up seems to be saying that the chances are about 50 percent at its max and no higher. That, kind of freak me out real bad yesterday, and I took a whole lot of time just sitting there thinking, and thinking and thinking. If it was like the first time I guess I would be able to keep my cool, but it’s not, the situation is very much harder and different. For once I realized… how hard it is to actually just live by faith alone and have no way for humans to interfere.

I really thank God for the time I could speak with Teacher Derek yesterday night, comforting, reassuring and telling me the fundamentals on how to plea to God for my case. After chatting and discussing, I realized once again, that I’ll need to take a leap of faith this time. One for trusting in God that I’ll be delivered from this relapse for His glory, and secondly to put my trust in Him alone for my future, which I discussed with Teacher Derek, but won’t be writing this down as of yet. For I realized how fragile the world is around me with this sickness I have, that any earthly gain can just go with a snap, because I won’t be able to hold on onto them when I get sick. I just hope that Teacher, you’ll remind me about this if I do decide to change my mind, to bring me back on course.

My chemotherapy has gone underway immediately the next day (after Friday), to prevent it from spreading out of control. I really thank God as the nauseous feeling was controllable till the point that I don’t really feel it. And I pray to God that it is possible to stay that way… at least it’ll give me some comfort in this time of trial. Especially since this time the doctor is in no way going to show any mercy and is giving me a real intensive course right now to bring me back to remission.

Phew, after all the complains up there, I must still say that I know that God’s will is still the best way. I won’t fall back on my words and deny God, for that’s something even worst than death itself. And how could a God who so graciously gave us salvation through Jesus Christ as a gift to all mankind, not deserve our thanksgiving and praise for eternity? And besides I always hold on to these words: That to live is for Christ and to die is gain, being a Christian we never lose either way. I guess I’ll have to put it this way too: some people run the 100 m race, but I am running 4000 m (if there’s one) because God knows I could sustain it. And I know God is a gracious God, and He knows what’s best for me, my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ll run the race to make Him proud and to be a testimony to all mankind.

For:

I know my God is real

And nothing will change how I feel.

I’ll give Him my worship and I always will

Because I know my God is real. (taken from My God is Real, VBS 2008)

There is only one thing I must say I’ll regret if I couldn’t finish the race… and that would be not using my testimony, at all. I don’t want it to go to waste, and though now I am very timid, I pray to God that one day I’ll be courageous enough to use this powerful testimony for Him, to tell others how great is our God.

I guess that’s all in my heart that I want to say. For anyone that is reading this, please uphold me in your prayers, I would really appreciate it, especially on the matter of preventing infections, getting back into remission and the bone marrow (having a perfect match and beyond the transplant). On a lighter note, if you guys are wondering what happen to the post ‘that should have been’, I only write it till October, and procrastinate till, hmm I don’t know how long, ha-ha. If I am free I’ll definitely continue writing it, that’s if I could remember it too though by then.

Merry Christmas 2007...

Merry Christmas guys!!!

And yeah, still writing… still writing…

I am hoping I could at least complete “the” post before I leave Australia, and that would mean before the New Year arrives. Get ready for a long post then --- that’s if I finally manage to write it and not drag till the end of January.

Ah, hoping I was back in Malaysia so I could attend our church Christmas service; to enjoy the Christmas atmosphere together as members of one body and not to forget ---most importantly --- to take this time to thank God for sending us His son, thus bringing us salvation. With our flight back to Melbourne on Christmas day in addition with me and my brothers’ bad habit of waking up after 12, plus another hilarious reason which I would reveal later when I finish writing December’s post… I guess I wouldn’t be able to attend one here. Arghh…

Looking forward to Boxing Day for shopping sales!

Once again, Merry Christmas and God bless!

2nd Anniversary...

Oh my…

Just writing to let everyone who reads my journal knows that I am still in the process of writing the November post (which has now dragged on to December --- sorry for that), and not to worry. Ah, and there I was thinking that I would at least make it a once a month affair at the least.

Well, besides the information just given, the reason I “need” to write this post is due to the reason that this is my…

2^nd Anniversary!!!...

…of getting admitted to the hospital and going for chemotherapy treatment~ (belated anyway)

I must admit that I kind of actually forgotten about the date where I got admitted till I reread my previous post… was thinking that it was today, and realized that it was on the 21^st instead. Wake up Ju Liang!!! Now I am so embarrassed.

Hmm… well, just want to thank God that all has been going well with me, that through His grace I am able to enjoy much of my time after treatment, including this holiday that I am having in Australia while writing this. And doubly true with the fact that the pills isn’t all that hard to take right now, and I am getting used to them through His grace (the weekly pills still packs a punch, but it has been much much better compared to last time where I can’t really do anything after eating them).

Still I must admit that in all the enjoyment (and busyness…), there are times where I kind of “forgot” about how gracious God has been to me and take it all for granted, even though it has just been less than half a year. When I am enjoying and not suffering I tend to take God’s love for me throughout the process for granted, and only during the stillness of the night do I think back about this and know how blessed I have been. Yeah, I know that I have written about this previously, but I can’t stop feeling guilty somehow… The other thing that bugs me is the fact that I am not using my testimony to spread the good news of Christ more than I should and I am feeling rather guilty about this too. Especially since once I was there complaining that there isn’t much interesting things happening in my life that I can share of.

To become like Christ is an on-going process, which is why I need to remind myself to keep striving forward towards the goal in Christ and not fall back, constantly reminding myself that whether in good times of bad, I need to fight the good fight, not losing sight of the goal. Especially since I have experience how great God has been in my life.

Woahkay…

Nothing to regret right now but to focus on the future! And hope that I continue to grow more in Christ, and not just by writing in words but actually doing it.

Thank God for the great time holidaying here in Aussie! Rest assured I will write about it… after the November post that is.

And it's October...

Kay, I will be splitting to parts so that it’ll be easier for me to write and not jumble up all the thoughts that were gathered in my mind.

And it sure took me a long time to find some leisure time to type away.

10^th of September to…

Just when I finished writing the previous post and was starting to mourn for myself as I needed to go to the hospital the next day for my “possible” lamba puncture procedure plus pill eating again (with the latter being the main reason for mourning), I received the superbly good news from my mother the moment I woke up that the doctor requested me to be admitted only next week. Why? I am guessing it’s because he calculated the days from my records where I actually needed to be readmitted for the lamba puncture, as previously me and my mom just did a rough estimate. I really thank God for these ‘surprises’ as this isn’t really the first time things like these happens, where God fulfills the wishes of my heart even though I never asked of it. God’s grace, eh? As it’s not like I deserved anything to have my wishes fulfilled. The normally super groggy me when I just woke up suddenly became super charged up, the sky wasn’t gloomy anymore, the food tasted twice as better, the… well to get to the point, I guess when your mind set changes to a happy mood, everything seems… good, haha. Though, there was one thing I didn’t really enjoy about this extended break (or any other break for that matter) which was the feeling of regret that I am not using this precious time wisely. And to top this guilt up, time passes really quickly, and I mean real quick, the next thing I know after I wake up is that I am back to bed again and it’ll be another day when the sun rises. Guess that means I am really enjoying my time off pills then, time always goes to warp speed when you’re enjoying, sigh…

18^th of September to…

As stated, I got admitted to the hospital for my lamba puncture and my bone marrow check up. At first I didn’t really thought of it as a big deal, just another visit to the hospital was all I thought, but when I realized that there was going to be a bone marrow check up… gulp. Not because it really hurts or anything, in fact, I thank God that till now I haven’t felt that much of a pain from the bone marrow tap, but, I was afraid that the results wouldn’t be good from the check up. The thought of a relapse really haunts me and it’s not something I can shake off easily; at one end I believe through faith that God can heal me completely, though at the other end I also believe that God’s way is the best way, how can you question God?

As usual, the lamba puncture procedure was delayed because: “the drug wasn’t prepared earlier” which I am starting to doubt as this reason was used one too many times. I mean, if that always happens something could be done to counter this problem, right? I thank God though, that both procedures went smoothly: I wasn’t half awake this time during the bone marrow tap, and there weren’t any complications for either of them. I also really thank our Lord Jesus Christ that both of the results turn out good, which was a huge relief to me as my mind could be put to rest as of now. Well, I actually only receive word for the lamba puncture and didn’t hear anything for the bone marrow, but no news is good news right? If something did happen I guess I would still be in the hospital. Or perhaps ignorance is bliss? Hmm…

Both of the doctors, the hematologist and the neurologist, are Christians, and they share a testimony or two went they have the time. The neurologist who does my lamba puncture though, has a higher frequency to do so, to put it that way. This time around he shared with me a healing testimony that just happened recently in his church. He told me about how his relative (I think, if it’s not that it’s one of his church members, sorry for the fuzzy memory) had stomach cancer and was said to be incurable and had at least a few months to live. Well, one day in the hospital bed this man felt that someone’s hand was going in his stomach and the next day the doctor’s were surprised that the cancer was gone! He also told me that this man also had a vision one day where he saw his father with a rabbi sitting in a house, and his father who was already deceased asked if he wanted to join them. The man declined, and with that I guess he didn’t pass away instead, haha. Sometimes I get pretty envious when I hear of these testimonies, it didn’t really matter much to me last time, but now when I had gone through a severe illness it makes me think: “why didn’t God just gave me a miracle healing like those other people? It’ll make things so much easier for me.” I guess I myself know the answer to that, which is because God wants to refine our faith through trials, for if things were too easy, we tend to takes things for granted and thus become stagnant in our faith. There was another thing that popped up in my mind too, why do we normally hear of these kinds of things from charismatic churches and seldom from the others?

Because of the delay from the lamba puncture I was --once again-- needed to stay for at least a night in the hospital. Most of the time I don’t worry much after a lamba puncture, as a mild headache was all I got and I would be better the moment the sun rises. So after resting for 5 hours and a half lying on the bed, it was already midnight and I decided to have a light dinner. Everything seems okay at first, I was getting a slight headache as usual and I was happily eating while watching the TV. But… after a few minutes I realized that the dizziness wasn’t settling down, on the other hand, it was getting worst. I guess tilting my head and watching Disney channel made my headache worst and right after I finished my dinner I couldn’t move anymore and just had to lie on bed to sleep. With all the food chunks still around me and me not even brushing my teeth, I couldn’t care less anymore as the discomfort was too much, and rest was all I craved for. Then again, I was always dirty to begin with, ha-ha! Apparently the dizziness was cause by the difference in pressure of the cerebral fluid due to the lamba puncture procedure.

The next day the dizziness was still there but thank God that it got slightly better. Thus, without hesitating I decided to go home and rest, who wants to stay in the hospital anyway? Mom also managed to “negotiate” with the doctor to reduce the amount of pills that I needed to eat before we went back home, this was due to the fact that I was getting infections too easily and the pills also gave me too much discomfort, so it was reduced from 12 pills weekly to 10. Well, to be honest as of now the discomfort part still feels the same, though because the pills are less it seems kind of easier to take it down, I hope it gets better as time goes by.

The day after that though, everything seems just fine with my dizziness gone the moment I woke up and I thought that was the end of it. But, weirdly the next day the dizziness returned and persist for another 3 to 4 days, making me miss the mid-autumn festival outreach program held in church on Saturday that week (which I heard there were some really interesting lantern display there). Uggh… the bad thing about this dizziness is that you get kind of bored not doing anything, since you aren’t particularly sleepy, but you are forced to lie down, and when you sleep you get dreams instead as the mind is still very much active. Reading books, or as for me, comic books while on bed, wasn’t much of a help either as my hands ache after awhile and I prefer to just doze off instead.

Then again, I thank God that it wasn’t too bad, as the dizziness can always be cured off by just lying on bed, compared to say *chill* nausea. The mornings then was a hard time as I didn’t wanted to wake up in fear of getting the dizziness, and that fear was amplified by the fact that my head felt like it was going to explode even when I am still in bed. Weirdly though it actually becomes better the moment I wake up. Then again, I cannot be sure of that as in the past that wasn’t the case, so it’s sort of like a gamble, on one hand if I wake up I can be feeling ten times worst than when I was on bed or the other way round, but I thank God that most of the time for this case it was the latter. The dizziness slowly became better as the days pass and soon I was back to normal once again. Well, the dizziness did have one good thing, it helped me buy 2 days of being pill-free, but it wasn’t that good of a deal seeing what had happened. With that week over, I officially restarted my pill eating days again. Arghh!

1^st of October to…

I went out for a light lunch with a secondary schoolmate of mine as I promised her that I would meet up with her when she came back from Europe. With all the hic-ups and me myself forgetting about it during the short periods when I was okay, today was already the last day before she goes off to Bangkok for voluntary work. Thus, now I understand why she wanted to strangle me. Anyway, I was quite surprise that I was able to talk to someone face to face for 3 to 4 hours as I was quite worried at first. Most of the time I have trouble thinking of topics to talk about, and what more talking to a girl. But surprisingly there was an endless flow of topics to talk about and before I know it, it was already evening.

Then again, it’s not like I never actually talk to this friend of mine so much before as back in the days when I was still using the ICQ chatting program, myself, her and a form 1 classmate of mine used to talk till the sun goes up (well… it was about to reach day break). Though during our PMR years we stop doing those crazy stunts and since then I find it hard to start up a topic with anyone through those instant messaging programs. Of course, being behind a monitor and talking face to face was another matter altogether, as being behind a monitor gives you an endless time to think, while if the person is right in front of you, waiting too long creates an awkward silence and all you want to do next is hope the person says that he/she has to go so you don’t need to face the embarrassment of using that line instead to escape. I am kind of glad that I actually manage to be partially cured of the talk-to-girls phobia thingy after years of training, otherwise today would be a disaster. Then again, if the person is a good friend of mine it usually surpasses the phobia.

Well, we talked about many things: cultural difference in Europe, her volunteer work in Bangkok, how I have spent my time in the hospital, etc. But there was one topic that reminded me of something: when she talked about a Christian friend of hers. She mentioned that she was impressed by the faith in Christianity that friend of hers possessed; though there were major peer pressure in her campus (most people prefer to be free from any religion), that friend still manages to live up to be more like Christ and not being afraid of persecution from her peers. I mention this because I truly believe that Christians ought to be able to spread the fragrance of Christ wherever we go. Not by flashing a big cross around our necks or raise our hands when they ask who are Christians in the group, but through our actions that are like Christ. This is one thing that I am quite embarrassed about as there was one time when I was having a conversation with a friend during high school where I mentioned something about Christianity, and she was like: “EH?! You’re a Christian ah?” When I said yeah, she told me the reason she was surprise was because I was very like the rest of the crowd and thus assuming I am a buddhist. Ouch~ and there I was being satisfied with how I was.

The other thing is that I am really afraid of is standing up for my faith, which makes me all the more impress with this person. Back then when I was in primary school I remembered my headmaster told all of us students during moral class that Jesus was just like any ordinary man, and so is every important person in every religion. Okay, that really is harsh, and sometimes when I think about it, I should have stand up and told her wrong. There were many instances like that too, when friends of mine were saying that the bible is a myth or a story book and all I answer was just a smile or saying: “no-lah,” and then shrug them off, hoping they change the topic. And what was all of that worth for? Yes, it was all just to be accepted by your peers. And that is why I really pray that God would make me be able to say “yes” to Him when it comes to choosing between living comfortably or choosing Christ and suffer, or worst comes to worst dying, as once that answer is made there’s no turning back anymore. Most of the time we prefer to deny Christ for the small matters because of convenience sake, but I wonder when the real thing comes would we be able to do it, since we get so comfortable denying.

Well, back to the topic on the conversation with my friend. If you are reading this I hope for all the best for your time there, and that you may gain a wealth of experience by volunteering. I also hope that you get to know the joy of Christ someday too.

6^th of October till…

A friend of mine asked me for a favor to help him with something. It wasn’t anything hard; in fact, it’s something I do enjoy very much. Problem is, during then I realized how selfish our human minds are, that most of the time we tend to help others only if by helping them it actually helps us back in return, or at least, gives us some advantage. If by investing our time helping a friend does not gives us a single gain at all, we tend to not lend a hand, for what does it benefit us? I had this thought was I was getting frustrated trying to figure out the problem as I am not that musically talented, and it made me think why in the world am I getting so frustrated for and wasting my time on this thing, it’s not like my burden right? I guess I need to ask God for His forgiveness and humble myself, knowing that God Himself gave Christ so freely even though we don’t even deserve it. And if we Christians have this kind of thinking, what makes us any different than the rest?

With that, I thank God for the timely reminder, and I all the more thank God for giving me some extra musical knowledge through all that. Now I understand how in the world those musicians know what chords are they in a scale, and there I was simply banging the strings hoping something sound right. It kinds of make me realized how I wasted 7 to 8 years learning piano and not even knowing anything about this. Sigh…

11^th of October till…

My guitar lessons has finally resume after 2 weeks because the centre was shifted to another shop lot for a better environment. Not that it’s anything significant, but the way I got there was, well, significant to me.

Well, 2 post back I was writing about how I tend to do seemingly impossible things when under forced circumstance (the dentist post), and this was one of them.

You see, I was expecting mom to fetch me to the music centre but after calling out a few times I realized that she wasn’t home. Check out the front and the driver wasn’t there either. I could just ponteng and let one lesson pass but thinking of how 20 ringgit just disappeared away like that makes me think otherwise.

It was then I realized:

1. My mom’s car was outside.
2. I can drive, though not really good (and I really meant it).
3. I do have my driver’s license with me.

Well, being in a forced situation, I braved myself and drove to the centre. Hooray for me! Of course I was a little nervous, but it’s not like I am driving more than a kilometer right?

Still, now that I think about it, it was kind of dangerous for there were times when I should have looked more carefully but I didn’t, and only when I passed the junction did I realized: “Woah! I should have looked to the right there before turning!”

Not that I don’t enjoy driving, but I hate the hassle of finding a parking spot and actually do the parking (double the trouble if you need to park really far away), not to forget that I actually “ need” to concentrate when I am at the wheel compared to just sitting at the back and listening to the radio. With that much waste of energy, I prefer to just be a passenger.

Though, when I came home and wanted to give a piece of my mind to mom only did I realized that she was at home all along and was cleaning the fish pond outside, which was why she didn’t hear me at all. Arghhh!! Wasted effort for the lose.

Hmm… but this isn’t my first unsupervised driving though. There was once when I just got my license where suddenly I had this urge to… *drum rolls*… buy Playstation 2 games. So I asked my younger brother to accompany me (kind of con him that he could choose a game, though at the end I bought the games I liked only) and off we go to Endah Parade without telling anyone. It was really silly as I actually spend the first 5 minutes trying to get the car out of my driveway. Don’t even know what made me do it, my parents were at home too, and driving out to buy games doesn’t seem that noble of an idea. (I still remember the games I bought then: Full Metal Alchemist, one of them was an action an RPG while the other was a beat em up with the same title)

14^th of October

And time for some random rants on a Sunday morning…

Being alone at home really gives me a lot of time to think of many questions, some of them really random, some of them downright no sense, and of course, some of them are really serious. It can get quite frustrating at times for if I don’t figure out those questions it’ll just stay in my head and pester me till I get it done. And no, using: “there is no answer to that question” doesn’t really help at all. The worst thing would be that if I don’t put the question to rest I can’t seem to be able to do anything at all, and I would be stuck there stun trying to reach to a conclusion. Of course, with all this I manage to find a way to trick my brain into giving false answers to put my mind at ease.

Some questions/thoughts are:

1. Why is it when you pedal at reverse the bicycle wheels doesn’t move?
2. Why is it when you stop pedaling but the bicycle wheels still move?
3. How does the Nintendo Wii sensor works?
4. Why does a warrior in Warcraft deals less DPS in raids compared to a rogue even though they chop our heads off in a battleground?
5. Why is music only DO-RE-MI-FA-SO-LA-TI-DO?
6. Why do some shirt collars look better than other shirt collars when they are both shirt collars?
7. Tons of questions concerning God.

Well, most of the factual questions/thoughts can always be answered through checking the internet though being me, I was too lazy to go check so I force myself to be smart and figure it out by myself (which always ends up wrong when I do check it up). Though on the other hand those theological questions makes my mind blow up, as I need a pastor to help me on that, and most of the time I am afraid to ask them because I don’t know how to form the questions properly in words, and it becomes really weird instead.

It really makes me miss the times when I was still a little kid and not have any doubts in my mind about Christ. There weren’t any thoughts or doubts about free-will, how did the bible came to be, predestination, etc. and all I did then was truly believe that Jesus loves me and was always there for me in times of trouble. No doubts, no questions, no what ifs, but just simple faith. Perhaps that’s why God says: I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. (Mark 10:15)

*

Hmm… all the time being at home also does makes me really lazy. So much so that I forget that I should be thinking of studying once again and not expecting another year of “rest”. But boy, I sure hope that I don’t need to study or work at all, as I just can’t seem to stand the pressure from assignments, datelines and presentations. I also seem to have the problem of choosing what to study now, as I am thinking of doing something that I actually enjoy doing, and not something that pays well but doing the actual work is a real drag. Arghh… need to be discipline once again to get ready to enroll for university (pre-entrance exams comes to mind).

*

Oh yeah, my flu that has lasted for like 2 months is officially cured! Hallelujah! That was soo long that it made me quite worried. I better make sure that I don’t get too close to people with any infections… but that may be harder than I thought. Most of the time, I feel like I’ll offend that person if I suddenly sit away from him/her, it makes me look like as if I am some snob who’s too revered to be with anyone else, but if I don’t do that I am the one who’s going to suffer. Sigh, the dilemma.

*

Alright, so there goes the 1 month post, done in 2 sittings, with 75 percent done on the posted date. I better start preparing for church now especially since I am playing the bass for Sunday service today. And if I go early I may be able to see how Sunday School is after a 1 and a half year absence.

Of suffering and quietness...

Bah~

Wanted to update my journal about what has happened since last~ last Wednesday but knowing me, I know I’ll most probably write another long essay just to try and jot every single detail down which wears me out in the end. Thus, I keep procrastinating to avoid myself having to do all the writing. “Well, there’s always a tomorrow,” I said to comfort myself, not knowing that the more I delay, I’ll have even more things to jot down. Guess that’s the reason why I could never start a diary even when I so desired it during high school, as I am just too lazy. Though thinking about it I sure hope I did, as with a diary you are able to reflect about your past and see how much you’ve grown so easily as you have written it down in ink, and it sure is fun to see how “weird” you were last time.

I really need to learn how to write English articles short and sweet, a habit which I don’t have since entering secondary school. Note, I put “English articles” because if it’s any other language, especially Mandarin, it won’t be much of a problem as writing basic facts was already hard enough, and if I try to elaborate it I guess it’ll be a major disaster. So I really keep things short in order not to get deduction of marks from writing errors in mandarin (but it didn’t really matter in the end as I always did get a big fat zero for the many unavoidable “spelling” errors, giving me a huge disadvantage in marks whenever I write Chinese essays, as I always mix up the different words that has the same pronunciation).

Or… perhaps in other words I should just go straight to the point… in which I have already broke this rule with all the ramblings on top. But I guess it really isn’t much of a journal if I don’t write about how I think or feel, it’ll be more like summiting a military report if I just write down important details.

Alright, enough about that, on to what happened last week.

Well, to be exact last~ last~ last~ week Zhi Yong “suddenly” messaged me and asked me how was I doing. Usually I would just answer with the “Oh, I am fine” line but during then as I have mentioned 2 post earlier I was starting to get paranoid so I asked him about lymph nodes and stuff, how to detect if something’s wrong, etc. After that he also asked me how was I doing spiritually, in which I told him that it “didn’t” seem to go well, with the reason that sometimes when I am not going through suffering, I tend to forget about God and His greatness, only putting Him in during say, devotion time? Zhi Yong did comfort me with erm… some words that have to do with remembering our final goal in Christ… I guess. Ha-ha, can’t really remember the whole thing, but at least I was able to put it to rest then.

Imagine the irony then on Monday (27th of August) when I went for an unexpected check up at the clinic. I was told that I required to be admitted to the hospital… what?!! Imagine the horror! And there I was talking about how I need to “suffer” to be reminded about God’s greatness and love.

As I have said, it was an unexpected check up as the main reason I wanted to see the doctor was the evil intention to see if I could avoid taking the chemotherapy pills, since I was suffering with the gum plus thumb infection the week before and I wanted to see if I could cut some slack and relax this week with the reason that I was still having the flu after almost a month. Thus, if it is possible to stop eating the pills in order to allow my immune system to recover back to normal and let the white cells do their job of getting rid of the flu. It is a legitimate reason after all… but I didn’t expect that my white cell has dropped real low; it was at the count of 0.9. The plan backfired, and the doctor wanted to admit me to the hospital in order to inject Neupogen to boost up my white cell count quickly to keep me out of danger.

I thought I was being smart by trying to negotiate with the doctor, telling him that the slow and steady way was still as good, that I would be alright as long as I stop eating the pills (I was still really stubborn in eating the pills), though it’ll just take a liitttllleeee longer. Well, the terrible count was also partly due to the infections that I got, and since it was 80 percent cured why worry? The doctor once again used that funny expression in his face that always makes me think that if I don’t listen to him I was going to threaten my very own life, and seeing that I had no chance to argue with him, I just gave in, no point delaying the inevitable anyway.

Sometimes I guess I need to keep my mouth shut, as somehow those weird requests actually comes true. Before I was diagnosed with leukemia I was kidding myself and said that:

“Hmm… perhaps I should try being bald once in awhile”

(Because of dandruff problem and my hair being like a bird nest most of the time)

“Man… I sure wish I had a year long break”

(I didn’t wanted to enter university so fast as I wanted to enjoy sometime before all the hectic schedules begins again)

Well I was bald for 5 times, and I had a 2 years break, woo-hoo!

So this time I was like jokingly saying to myself: “I guess it’ll be for the best if I got admitted to the hospital, at least I’ll get closer to God.” And on Monday (the day for the check up) I was having this tingling senses the moment I woke up telling me that I was sure to be admitted, and jokingly told my mom to prepare my stuff to bring to the hospital (which she thought was silly)… and viola! I was sitting on the hospital bed watching the same old TV channels I used to for the whole past year.

I’ll be totally honest with you; this time being in the hospital wasn’t too bad or torturing even. At the beginning I expected to stay at least for a week to allow everything to recover (being disappointed each morning with no improvement in my blood count comes to mind), but I remembered that this time I wasn’t under the side effects of any heavy chemotherapy. Sure enough after putting the Neupogen, my white cell count went up to 2 the next day, 3 the following and got discharged. The Neupogen, though I really dread it (even the nurses tease me about it as they know I am afraid of that injection), I guess I kind of got used to it this time, as it didn’t bug my mind non-stop for the whole day and made me worried. Though the fact that you can’t estimate how pain it is each time it’s administered ups the “Wow!” factor.

But if I am not really suffering, doesn’t that defeat the purpose that I wanted? To draw closer to God? That, I can’t say it’s true.

Surprisingly, though I didn’t had any severe pain or discomfort in which I need to cry out to God for help and thus being closer to him, I still managed to be closer to God, through the quietness in the hospital. Well, of course I don’t mean quiet as in quiet till you can hear a pin drop quiet, the hospital is quite noisy at certain times, but I guess what I mean is there aren’t so many distractions around you and most of the time you put your mind on God. The television set in my room had a sound defect (it was so soft even at max volume); I didn’t wanted to bring my laptop as I don’t want to pay 20 Ringgit just to go online for 2 hours; and my Playstation 2 wasn’t any help either as I needed a walkthrough to advance in the only game that was brought there. So most of the time I was on bed semi sleeping, and semi thinking about why God does this and that, which of course we human can never fully understand God’s plan. Fasting from doing things in our regular busy schedule (okay, I am not proud in saying how I am busy, as I don’t study nor work, so go figure) once in a while can let us keep things in perspective, as sometimes in our busyness we tend to forget about God’s goodness and grace, and His will for us.

When we are suffering it draws us closer to God and really put our all on Him because we realized how weak we humans are and know that by our strength alone it’s impossible, thus humbling ourselves, acknowledging that we need God’s help. The letter Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 clearly explains it: But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

But… I also realized that sometimes even when we are suffering, satan still has tricks up his sleeves to keep us out of track. Keeping us physically and mentally busy to think about God; telling us that the problem is just a small one and we don’t really need to put God in the picture…

I can say this because when I was writing the journal, I realized something that didn’t quite fit the picture (well, most of the time it’s this way as I drag myself from writing for so long that I jumbled up the timeline, but this is different) . The day I mentioned when I was chatting with Zhi Yong was also the day when my gum and thumb infection started to hurt quite badly. If you have read the previous post you should have realized how I suffered that week but weirdly… I didn’t remember what I said to Zhi Yong; the whole thing about suffering to remember about God, till I thought I may need to be readmitted to the hospital. It makes me think: “How in the world did I forget about that?” I didn’t even mention it in my previous post, and for that few days till I wanted to see the doctor I didn’t even have a slightest clue of what I’ve said. This also reminded me that if we are ever not careful and do not have a strong relationship in Christ, the devil is going to pounce on you and make you sin against God. The devil doesn’t need to do some full scale attack like making you go kill hundreds of innocent people to make you sin, but he has many ways that seems “insignificant” to fulfill his evil desires and slowly make you go astray.

Thus, I thank God for the second chance in the hospital to give me a wake up call. I also really thank God that this time around the stay in the hospital really was a pleasant one: after all the time over there I finally manage to hang-out at the ground floor at night and eat dinner at a proper place instead of on the bed. Well, most of the time I either can’t come out of my hospital room because of my low white cell count and need to be isolated, or I am just too weak and can’t be bother to go down at all. This time I was neither of it, so I manage to go with mom to the newly opened Dome café and ate dinner, which I must say is really delicious and later “lepak-ing” at the ground floor observing how things go at night, which I wanted to try at least once since being in the hospital.

I was scheduled to see the doctor the next week after being admitted then for another check up and boy time sure flies when you are enjoying it to the full. Since I wasn’t taking the chemotherapy pills for awhile I felt the burden lifted up from me, no more slightly nauseous feeling or slight dizziness or anything bad of the sort, and it sure was good. But why must those few short days go by so quickly!!?

Remembered how I say that sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut? Now I am reconsidering it as on the day of my check up, I was saying to my mom: I sure hope the doctor says: “Your white cell count is too low, let’s postpone another week for the pills.” Well, imagine my smile when the doctor told me the exact same thing, ha-ha! The doctor was like saying to my mom: “Ehh… I know he’s very happy…” as it’s suppose to be a “bad” news. Yeah, so I had an extension holiday from the pills. (Oh, by the way, this was what I wanted to write mainly about last~ last~ Wednesday as mentioned in the first main paragraph, about how I got admitted and later the joy of not eating the pills, though through the process many things came to mind as written above.)

Because of my laziness in typing writing, I have delayed the post so long that tomorrow is the day where I’ll need to go for another check up to see if I could eat the pills again. Phew, after all those negotiations, the doctor finally agrees to lower the dosage of the chemotherapy pills because it seems too heavy for me, though I am still worrying about how I am going to adapt to the pills again after enjoying so much freedom from it. I suppose I am scheduled for another Lamba puncture around this month, too, since it has already been 3 months since the last chemotherapy treatment.

I really thank God for this experience, though of course it isn’t as grand as the other things I’ve gone through, it did remind me of certain important things. It’s wonderful to see how God uses seemingly random situations in our eyes to make something that will help us grow more towards Him. I also thank God that my infections were cured really quickly (the last time I felt really pain on my gum was actually the day I saw the dentist), that I was able to enjoy the stay in the hospital and come out just in time for my college mate’s gathering. I guess I also need to thank God that as I am writing this post, my flu seems to be very much better (after a month), though somehow in me there’s this lingering feeling telling me that if the flu gets cured I am 100 percent going to need to eat the pills when I pay the doctor a visit, which of course, I dread.

And yeah, before I forgot, during the time when my gum infection started, which was around the 20^th of August, Monday, the hair on my head finally started growing again. Though I have been accustomed to this bald look, I still thank God that the hair is growing again. I myself was quite fascinated that in just one day my head was filled with black dots instead of the usual white shiny parchment. Mom herself confirmed this when she came back from her Vietnam trip and was surprised herself. Younger brother said that probably because the cells in the body were busy making hair cells, that there weren’t any defense when the bacteria came and attack my gum and thumb… I hope my body doesn’t do that again.

Alright, so once again I wrote another looonnnggg essay, which I hope I could learn how to cut short and also not leave it day after day till I need to write this much of an amount and crack my brain hard just to remember the time line of the things that happened. Hmm… maybe I should just try the report method.

Report of what happened since the August 25^th post.

21^st of August: Chatted with Zhi Yong about suffering to remind you about God.

22^nd of August: Visit dentist for gum infection; didn’t remembered what I chat yesterday.

26^th of August: Thinks and says to self that I may need to get admitted to the hospital. Suddenly remembered about what I chatted.

27^th of August: Went for check up; white cell count very low; admitted to the hospital. Sad.

29^th of August: Discharged. Happy.

31^st of August: College mate’s gathering.

4^th of September: 2^nd check up; white cell count considered low; don’t need to eat pills. Happy.

10^th of September: Finally finish writing report. Realized all that has happened.

End.

Now ain’t that short and sweet?