And it's October...

Kay, I will be splitting to parts so that it’ll be easier for me to write and not jumble up all the thoughts that were gathered in my mind.

And it sure took me a long time to find some leisure time to type away.

10^th of September to…

Just when I finished writing the previous post and was starting to mourn for myself as I needed to go to the hospital the next day for my “possible” lamba puncture procedure plus pill eating again (with the latter being the main reason for mourning), I received the superbly good news from my mother the moment I woke up that the doctor requested me to be admitted only next week. Why? I am guessing it’s because he calculated the days from my records where I actually needed to be readmitted for the lamba puncture, as previously me and my mom just did a rough estimate. I really thank God for these ‘surprises’ as this isn’t really the first time things like these happens, where God fulfills the wishes of my heart even though I never asked of it. God’s grace, eh? As it’s not like I deserved anything to have my wishes fulfilled. The normally super groggy me when I just woke up suddenly became super charged up, the sky wasn’t gloomy anymore, the food tasted twice as better, the… well to get to the point, I guess when your mind set changes to a happy mood, everything seems… good, haha. Though, there was one thing I didn’t really enjoy about this extended break (or any other break for that matter) which was the feeling of regret that I am not using this precious time wisely. And to top this guilt up, time passes really quickly, and I mean real quick, the next thing I know after I wake up is that I am back to bed again and it’ll be another day when the sun rises. Guess that means I am really enjoying my time off pills then, time always goes to warp speed when you’re enjoying, sigh…

18^th of September to…

As stated, I got admitted to the hospital for my lamba puncture and my bone marrow check up. At first I didn’t really thought of it as a big deal, just another visit to the hospital was all I thought, but when I realized that there was going to be a bone marrow check up… gulp. Not because it really hurts or anything, in fact, I thank God that till now I haven’t felt that much of a pain from the bone marrow tap, but, I was afraid that the results wouldn’t be good from the check up. The thought of a relapse really haunts me and it’s not something I can shake off easily; at one end I believe through faith that God can heal me completely, though at the other end I also believe that God’s way is the best way, how can you question God?

As usual, the lamba puncture procedure was delayed because: “the drug wasn’t prepared earlier” which I am starting to doubt as this reason was used one too many times. I mean, if that always happens something could be done to counter this problem, right? I thank God though, that both procedures went smoothly: I wasn’t half awake this time during the bone marrow tap, and there weren’t any complications for either of them. I also really thank our Lord Jesus Christ that both of the results turn out good, which was a huge relief to me as my mind could be put to rest as of now. Well, I actually only receive word for the lamba puncture and didn’t hear anything for the bone marrow, but no news is good news right? If something did happen I guess I would still be in the hospital. Or perhaps ignorance is bliss? Hmm…

Both of the doctors, the hematologist and the neurologist, are Christians, and they share a testimony or two went they have the time. The neurologist who does my lamba puncture though, has a higher frequency to do so, to put it that way. This time around he shared with me a healing testimony that just happened recently in his church. He told me about how his relative (I think, if it’s not that it’s one of his church members, sorry for the fuzzy memory) had stomach cancer and was said to be incurable and had at least a few months to live. Well, one day in the hospital bed this man felt that someone’s hand was going in his stomach and the next day the doctor’s were surprised that the cancer was gone! He also told me that this man also had a vision one day where he saw his father with a rabbi sitting in a house, and his father who was already deceased asked if he wanted to join them. The man declined, and with that I guess he didn’t pass away instead, haha. Sometimes I get pretty envious when I hear of these testimonies, it didn’t really matter much to me last time, but now when I had gone through a severe illness it makes me think: “why didn’t God just gave me a miracle healing like those other people? It’ll make things so much easier for me.” I guess I myself know the answer to that, which is because God wants to refine our faith through trials, for if things were too easy, we tend to takes things for granted and thus become stagnant in our faith. There was another thing that popped up in my mind too, why do we normally hear of these kinds of things from charismatic churches and seldom from the others?

Because of the delay from the lamba puncture I was --once again-- needed to stay for at least a night in the hospital. Most of the time I don’t worry much after a lamba puncture, as a mild headache was all I got and I would be better the moment the sun rises. So after resting for 5 hours and a half lying on the bed, it was already midnight and I decided to have a light dinner. Everything seems okay at first, I was getting a slight headache as usual and I was happily eating while watching the TV. But… after a few minutes I realized that the dizziness wasn’t settling down, on the other hand, it was getting worst. I guess tilting my head and watching Disney channel made my headache worst and right after I finished my dinner I couldn’t move anymore and just had to lie on bed to sleep. With all the food chunks still around me and me not even brushing my teeth, I couldn’t care less anymore as the discomfort was too much, and rest was all I craved for. Then again, I was always dirty to begin with, ha-ha! Apparently the dizziness was cause by the difference in pressure of the cerebral fluid due to the lamba puncture procedure.

The next day the dizziness was still there but thank God that it got slightly better. Thus, without hesitating I decided to go home and rest, who wants to stay in the hospital anyway? Mom also managed to “negotiate” with the doctor to reduce the amount of pills that I needed to eat before we went back home, this was due to the fact that I was getting infections too easily and the pills also gave me too much discomfort, so it was reduced from 12 pills weekly to 10. Well, to be honest as of now the discomfort part still feels the same, though because the pills are less it seems kind of easier to take it down, I hope it gets better as time goes by.

The day after that though, everything seems just fine with my dizziness gone the moment I woke up and I thought that was the end of it. But, weirdly the next day the dizziness returned and persist for another 3 to 4 days, making me miss the mid-autumn festival outreach program held in church on Saturday that week (which I heard there were some really interesting lantern display there). Uggh… the bad thing about this dizziness is that you get kind of bored not doing anything, since you aren’t particularly sleepy, but you are forced to lie down, and when you sleep you get dreams instead as the mind is still very much active. Reading books, or as for me, comic books while on bed, wasn’t much of a help either as my hands ache after awhile and I prefer to just doze off instead.

Then again, I thank God that it wasn’t too bad, as the dizziness can always be cured off by just lying on bed, compared to say *chill* nausea. The mornings then was a hard time as I didn’t wanted to wake up in fear of getting the dizziness, and that fear was amplified by the fact that my head felt like it was going to explode even when I am still in bed. Weirdly though it actually becomes better the moment I wake up. Then again, I cannot be sure of that as in the past that wasn’t the case, so it’s sort of like a gamble, on one hand if I wake up I can be feeling ten times worst than when I was on bed or the other way round, but I thank God that most of the time for this case it was the latter. The dizziness slowly became better as the days pass and soon I was back to normal once again. Well, the dizziness did have one good thing, it helped me buy 2 days of being pill-free, but it wasn’t that good of a deal seeing what had happened. With that week over, I officially restarted my pill eating days again. Arghh!

1^st of October to…

I went out for a light lunch with a secondary schoolmate of mine as I promised her that I would meet up with her when she came back from Europe. With all the hic-ups and me myself forgetting about it during the short periods when I was okay, today was already the last day before she goes off to Bangkok for voluntary work. Thus, now I understand why she wanted to strangle me. Anyway, I was quite surprise that I was able to talk to someone face to face for 3 to 4 hours as I was quite worried at first. Most of the time I have trouble thinking of topics to talk about, and what more talking to a girl. But surprisingly there was an endless flow of topics to talk about and before I know it, it was already evening.

Then again, it’s not like I never actually talk to this friend of mine so much before as back in the days when I was still using the ICQ chatting program, myself, her and a form 1 classmate of mine used to talk till the sun goes up (well… it was about to reach day break). Though during our PMR years we stop doing those crazy stunts and since then I find it hard to start up a topic with anyone through those instant messaging programs. Of course, being behind a monitor and talking face to face was another matter altogether, as being behind a monitor gives you an endless time to think, while if the person is right in front of you, waiting too long creates an awkward silence and all you want to do next is hope the person says that he/she has to go so you don’t need to face the embarrassment of using that line instead to escape. I am kind of glad that I actually manage to be partially cured of the talk-to-girls phobia thingy after years of training, otherwise today would be a disaster. Then again, if the person is a good friend of mine it usually surpasses the phobia.

Well, we talked about many things: cultural difference in Europe, her volunteer work in Bangkok, how I have spent my time in the hospital, etc. But there was one topic that reminded me of something: when she talked about a Christian friend of hers. She mentioned that she was impressed by the faith in Christianity that friend of hers possessed; though there were major peer pressure in her campus (most people prefer to be free from any religion), that friend still manages to live up to be more like Christ and not being afraid of persecution from her peers. I mention this because I truly believe that Christians ought to be able to spread the fragrance of Christ wherever we go. Not by flashing a big cross around our necks or raise our hands when they ask who are Christians in the group, but through our actions that are like Christ. This is one thing that I am quite embarrassed about as there was one time when I was having a conversation with a friend during high school where I mentioned something about Christianity, and she was like: “EH?! You’re a Christian ah?” When I said yeah, she told me the reason she was surprise was because I was very like the rest of the crowd and thus assuming I am a buddhist. Ouch~ and there I was being satisfied with how I was.

The other thing is that I am really afraid of is standing up for my faith, which makes me all the more impress with this person. Back then when I was in primary school I remembered my headmaster told all of us students during moral class that Jesus was just like any ordinary man, and so is every important person in every religion. Okay, that really is harsh, and sometimes when I think about it, I should have stand up and told her wrong. There were many instances like that too, when friends of mine were saying that the bible is a myth or a story book and all I answer was just a smile or saying: “no-lah,” and then shrug them off, hoping they change the topic. And what was all of that worth for? Yes, it was all just to be accepted by your peers. And that is why I really pray that God would make me be able to say “yes” to Him when it comes to choosing between living comfortably or choosing Christ and suffer, or worst comes to worst dying, as once that answer is made there’s no turning back anymore. Most of the time we prefer to deny Christ for the small matters because of convenience sake, but I wonder when the real thing comes would we be able to do it, since we get so comfortable denying.

Well, back to the topic on the conversation with my friend. If you are reading this I hope for all the best for your time there, and that you may gain a wealth of experience by volunteering. I also hope that you get to know the joy of Christ someday too.

6^th of October till…

A friend of mine asked me for a favor to help him with something. It wasn’t anything hard; in fact, it’s something I do enjoy very much. Problem is, during then I realized how selfish our human minds are, that most of the time we tend to help others only if by helping them it actually helps us back in return, or at least, gives us some advantage. If by investing our time helping a friend does not gives us a single gain at all, we tend to not lend a hand, for what does it benefit us? I had this thought was I was getting frustrated trying to figure out the problem as I am not that musically talented, and it made me think why in the world am I getting so frustrated for and wasting my time on this thing, it’s not like my burden right? I guess I need to ask God for His forgiveness and humble myself, knowing that God Himself gave Christ so freely even though we don’t even deserve it. And if we Christians have this kind of thinking, what makes us any different than the rest?

With that, I thank God for the timely reminder, and I all the more thank God for giving me some extra musical knowledge through all that. Now I understand how in the world those musicians know what chords are they in a scale, and there I was simply banging the strings hoping something sound right. It kinds of make me realized how I wasted 7 to 8 years learning piano and not even knowing anything about this. Sigh…

11^th of October till…

My guitar lessons has finally resume after 2 weeks because the centre was shifted to another shop lot for a better environment. Not that it’s anything significant, but the way I got there was, well, significant to me.

Well, 2 post back I was writing about how I tend to do seemingly impossible things when under forced circumstance (the dentist post), and this was one of them.

You see, I was expecting mom to fetch me to the music centre but after calling out a few times I realized that she wasn’t home. Check out the front and the driver wasn’t there either. I could just ponteng and let one lesson pass but thinking of how 20 ringgit just disappeared away like that makes me think otherwise.

It was then I realized:

1. My mom’s car was outside.
2. I can drive, though not really good (and I really meant it).
3. I do have my driver’s license with me.

Well, being in a forced situation, I braved myself and drove to the centre. Hooray for me! Of course I was a little nervous, but it’s not like I am driving more than a kilometer right?

Still, now that I think about it, it was kind of dangerous for there were times when I should have looked more carefully but I didn’t, and only when I passed the junction did I realized: “Woah! I should have looked to the right there before turning!”

Not that I don’t enjoy driving, but I hate the hassle of finding a parking spot and actually do the parking (double the trouble if you need to park really far away), not to forget that I actually “ need” to concentrate when I am at the wheel compared to just sitting at the back and listening to the radio. With that much waste of energy, I prefer to just be a passenger.

Though, when I came home and wanted to give a piece of my mind to mom only did I realized that she was at home all along and was cleaning the fish pond outside, which was why she didn’t hear me at all. Arghhh!! Wasted effort for the lose.

Hmm… but this isn’t my first unsupervised driving though. There was once when I just got my license where suddenly I had this urge to… *drum rolls*… buy Playstation 2 games. So I asked my younger brother to accompany me (kind of con him that he could choose a game, though at the end I bought the games I liked only) and off we go to Endah Parade without telling anyone. It was really silly as I actually spend the first 5 minutes trying to get the car out of my driveway. Don’t even know what made me do it, my parents were at home too, and driving out to buy games doesn’t seem that noble of an idea. (I still remember the games I bought then: Full Metal Alchemist, one of them was an action an RPG while the other was a beat em up with the same title)

14^th of October

And time for some random rants on a Sunday morning…

Being alone at home really gives me a lot of time to think of many questions, some of them really random, some of them downright no sense, and of course, some of them are really serious. It can get quite frustrating at times for if I don’t figure out those questions it’ll just stay in my head and pester me till I get it done. And no, using: “there is no answer to that question” doesn’t really help at all. The worst thing would be that if I don’t put the question to rest I can’t seem to be able to do anything at all, and I would be stuck there stun trying to reach to a conclusion. Of course, with all this I manage to find a way to trick my brain into giving false answers to put my mind at ease.

Some questions/thoughts are:

1. Why is it when you pedal at reverse the bicycle wheels doesn’t move?
2. Why is it when you stop pedaling but the bicycle wheels still move?
3. How does the Nintendo Wii sensor works?
4. Why does a warrior in Warcraft deals less DPS in raids compared to a rogue even though they chop our heads off in a battleground?
5. Why is music only DO-RE-MI-FA-SO-LA-TI-DO?
6. Why do some shirt collars look better than other shirt collars when they are both shirt collars?
7. Tons of questions concerning God.

Well, most of the factual questions/thoughts can always be answered through checking the internet though being me, I was too lazy to go check so I force myself to be smart and figure it out by myself (which always ends up wrong when I do check it up). Though on the other hand those theological questions makes my mind blow up, as I need a pastor to help me on that, and most of the time I am afraid to ask them because I don’t know how to form the questions properly in words, and it becomes really weird instead.

It really makes me miss the times when I was still a little kid and not have any doubts in my mind about Christ. There weren’t any thoughts or doubts about free-will, how did the bible came to be, predestination, etc. and all I did then was truly believe that Jesus loves me and was always there for me in times of trouble. No doubts, no questions, no what ifs, but just simple faith. Perhaps that’s why God says: I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. (Mark 10:15)

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Hmm… all the time being at home also does makes me really lazy. So much so that I forget that I should be thinking of studying once again and not expecting another year of “rest”. But boy, I sure hope that I don’t need to study or work at all, as I just can’t seem to stand the pressure from assignments, datelines and presentations. I also seem to have the problem of choosing what to study now, as I am thinking of doing something that I actually enjoy doing, and not something that pays well but doing the actual work is a real drag. Arghh… need to be discipline once again to get ready to enroll for university (pre-entrance exams comes to mind).

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Oh yeah, my flu that has lasted for like 2 months is officially cured! Hallelujah! That was soo long that it made me quite worried. I better make sure that I don’t get too close to people with any infections… but that may be harder than I thought. Most of the time, I feel like I’ll offend that person if I suddenly sit away from him/her, it makes me look like as if I am some snob who’s too revered to be with anyone else, but if I don’t do that I am the one who’s going to suffer. Sigh, the dilemma.

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Alright, so there goes the 1 month post, done in 2 sittings, with 75 percent done on the posted date. I better start preparing for church now especially since I am playing the bass for Sunday service today. And if I go early I may be able to see how Sunday School is after a 1 and a half year absence.