Just bring it...

Okay, I am not one to rant and complain about life, but I’ll just write it down because it’s my thoughts on the whole thing.

Well… the post that I was suppose to post up should be a happy one, one about what happened during October, November, December and perhaps some things here and there in January. But, the only reason I am posting today is to let anyone who’s reading this to know that -

I got a relapse… and I am not joking at all.

Even as of now it’s rather hard to take in all that is going on. I must say honestly I feel kind of betrayed, frustrated, and hopeless even… as all the suffering I have gone through for 1 and a half years seems to be in vain. I mean, I suffered 1 and a half years just to rest 6 months and now I need to go for an even more terrible ordeal!? No way!

I don’t know why, but all this while at the back of my head I knew I’ll definitely go through a relapse at least once. Of course, it’s not like I wanted it to happen and say: “Hey guys! My spider-senses were right! Hooray for me!” as by all means if it didn’t happen I’ll be way happier.

I hardly felt anything ‘physically’ was amidst prior to the relapse….though my stomach was acting funny as I keep feeling nauseous; I had internal bleeding when I play futsal after erm 2 years? And my head always have this painful compression whenever I woke up. All could be dismissed due to the chemotherapy pills that I was taking. The usual symptoms weren’t there: severe headache, swollen lymph nodes, extreme tiredness (I did manage to play a game of futsal), which is why this news of relapse came as a total surprise.

Imagine the irony: Sis. Patricia asked me if I could play bass this Sunday for worship. I agreed at first, but remembered that I had the monthly check-up, which by all means I know something will definitely pop up one way or another, though not to the extend of something terrible like a relapse. Because of that I messaged her saying that I won’t be able to make it. She replied if everything was okay and this is the part where it gets ironic. I thought to myself: “Nah, small matter, don’t need to ask for any prayer request lah”, exactly the same thought I had after the dance rehearsal where Ainah asked the dance team to pray for me for my swollen lymph node which I thought was nothing then. And surprise, surprise, both was equally more shocking then expected.

Now that I think about it, it was pretty silly too. I was more worried that both my doctors won’t be able to do both LP and the bone marrow tap at the same time which would be a real hassle more than the thoughts of the fear that the check my turn up as a relapse. Well, I did told my parents that this 2 were the fears I had on the way to the hospital, but I thought in no way I was going to have a relapse, thus the more trivial fear seems scarier then.

But in some ways, I knew something like this was coming. God has a weird way of telling me that a really hard trial is about to come my way. Most of the time when I hear Christian songs just for fun I won’t have much of and emotion or anything, but… when something like this is about to happen somehow tears will always flow out of my eyes whenever I hear or sing out the lyrics. It was the same thing before I first got admitted to the hospital for relapse: imagine crying to Hillsong’s “Tell the world”, which was suppose to be an upbeat praise song. This time around though I was hearing 2008’s VBS songs (don’t ask me why I am hearing it that early though).

On the day I was admitted for my check up 2 days ago, which was a Friday, I knew something wasn’t quite right when the atmosphere seems… different. The nurses sounds funny, no one was in the room at all to tell me what’s happening, and this is what I dread the most: having the fear that something bad is going to happen, but no one to confirm it and take the fear away. The waiting part seems to be the killer. But by evening around 6 I got the news from mom, and as anyone could expect, I was really devastated. I didn’t want to accept the news; I keep telling myself that it must be some kind of mistake: that it should be an overdose in the chemotherapy pills that I am taking or perhaps the doctor read the information wrongly. I didn’t wanted to accept the news at all (my mind was thinking about what ifs for the whole night) till I heard it from the doctor myself the next day, and that’s when I started to stop struggling, for I know then nothing can be changed anymore.

To tell you the truth, this time around I was scared to death. And I mean really really scared. It could be that last time at the first week though I was scared, I was too tired to think, and besides God’s peace was upon me somehow through grace to give me a head start in the race thus making the fear bearable at that time. But I guess later after courses of chemotherapy, though I know I had to depend on God very much to go through leukemia, somewhere in the back of my head was also telling me that the odds were favoring me. Everything seems to be above 50 percent success. In a way, I guess it feels like I have a fail-safe device and I could juggle between God and human’s wisdom. In a way it makes it easier to not think about the consequences too much, and in that way I didn’t rely too much on faith. On the other hand, now that I have a relapse, the odds are against me. It is harder to go into remission; I am forced to do a bone-marrow transplant, and every thing I read up seems to be saying that the chances are about 50 percent at its max and no higher. That, kind of freak me out real bad yesterday, and I took a whole lot of time just sitting there thinking, and thinking and thinking. If it was like the first time I guess I would be able to keep my cool, but it’s not, the situation is very much harder and different. For once I realized… how hard it is to actually just live by faith alone and have no way for humans to interfere.

I really thank God for the time I could speak with Teacher Derek yesterday night, comforting, reassuring and telling me the fundamentals on how to plea to God for my case. After chatting and discussing, I realized once again, that I’ll need to take a leap of faith this time. One for trusting in God that I’ll be delivered from this relapse for His glory, and secondly to put my trust in Him alone for my future, which I discussed with Teacher Derek, but won’t be writing this down as of yet. For I realized how fragile the world is around me with this sickness I have, that any earthly gain can just go with a snap, because I won’t be able to hold on onto them when I get sick. I just hope that Teacher, you’ll remind me about this if I do decide to change my mind, to bring me back on course.

My chemotherapy has gone underway immediately the next day (after Friday), to prevent it from spreading out of control. I really thank God as the nauseous feeling was controllable till the point that I don’t really feel it. And I pray to God that it is possible to stay that way… at least it’ll give me some comfort in this time of trial. Especially since this time the doctor is in no way going to show any mercy and is giving me a real intensive course right now to bring me back to remission.

Phew, after all the complains up there, I must still say that I know that God’s will is still the best way. I won’t fall back on my words and deny God, for that’s something even worst than death itself. And how could a God who so graciously gave us salvation through Jesus Christ as a gift to all mankind, not deserve our thanksgiving and praise for eternity? And besides I always hold on to these words: That to live is for Christ and to die is gain, being a Christian we never lose either way. I guess I’ll have to put it this way too: some people run the 100 m race, but I am running 4000 m (if there’s one) because God knows I could sustain it. And I know God is a gracious God, and He knows what’s best for me, my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ll run the race to make Him proud and to be a testimony to all mankind.

For:

I know my God is real

And nothing will change how I feel.

I’ll give Him my worship and I always will

Because I know my God is real. (taken from My God is Real, VBS 2008)

There is only one thing I must say I’ll regret if I couldn’t finish the race… and that would be not using my testimony, at all. I don’t want it to go to waste, and though now I am very timid, I pray to God that one day I’ll be courageous enough to use this powerful testimony for Him, to tell others how great is our God.

I guess that’s all in my heart that I want to say. For anyone that is reading this, please uphold me in your prayers, I would really appreciate it, especially on the matter of preventing infections, getting back into remission and the bone marrow (having a perfect match and beyond the transplant). On a lighter note, if you guys are wondering what happen to the post ‘that should have been’, I only write it till October, and procrastinate till, hmm I don’t know how long, ha-ha. If I am free I’ll definitely continue writing it, that’s if I could remember it too though by then.