2nd Blue

Hmm… let’s see… what should I talk about today…okay…

ARGHHH, I AM FREAKING SCARED!!! HELP ME!!!!!!

Yeah, guess that’s what I am going to talk about. Ughh, going back to the hospital tomorrow, or today by the time I finish writing this post. Wouldn’t really mind if it’s just a light one which would require me to stay at most a week, but this one would be really really heavy, so heavy that sometimes just remembering what happened last time makes me shiver down my spine.

Staying for one month in the hospital isn’t that bad, you can watch television immediately when you wake up; you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at bed; you can just doze off anytime since you’re already sitting on the bed itself; the bathroom is just 3-5 steps away; and best of all you get 24 hours service (okay I am being sarcastic here). Staying in the hospital isn’t all that bad, but the side effects, are… torturing, as I can say.

I remember telling quite a number of people that I would rather stand pain than the nausea, but now when I think about it, both are equally bad. Unless I could actually avoid those bacteria and fungus from growing and attacking my body, the pain could be avoided I guess, but that would need a tremendous effort to keep myself super clean, and knowing that I am such a dirty person who would avoid bathing if possible, I don’t know how am I going to do it. But about all that’s going to happened, I guess after this whole course of chemo I would only write what happened, so I could compared to how it was previously during February-March.

It’s during times like this that I realize that humans are just so weak. That’s because I know that I can’t do much to prevent what’s going to happen. And during times like this I know I could only trust in the living God to grant me His grace to go through this whole thing easily. I am asking this of Him because I know that Jesus Christ is real, and He hears our prayers. But even if it doesn’t go as well as I plan, I guess God has His ways. God doesn’t do something and later says: “Ooops!”

Another thing that I really got to learn is to take things one at a time. When I see the list of chemotherapy that I still need to go through, it makes me really discourage, especially seeing the ones that seems so hard to go through. And knowing that it would take around July to complete the whole thing really isn’t good news at all. It seems never ending. That’s why I got to go slow, aiming one course of chemo at a time, otherwise I would really wear out if I keep thinking of the whole list of chemo. Hmmm, this is one time where it’s better not to see the whole picture.

Ah, but I shouldn’t just talk about sufferings all day long, God has been good for the past 2 weeks, giving me sufficient rest and all at home, really thank God for that. But time seems so short when you are actually enjoying… ARGHHH!!!! And not to forget I manage to update my music collection after like centuries by finding some really whacky Japanese songs, well actually around 10. I haven’t been up to date with the songs on the radio for a really long time; the last time I actually listen to the radio for hours would be around form 3-4 when my brother always turns on the radio while studying. Me, trying to avoid doing my homework would always sleep at the bed and hear his radio till like around midnight, and that’s when I start doing my homework because fear starts kicking in. After he went to Australia to study, the only time I actually listened to the radio was during the trip to and back from school/college. That’s why, since then my musically knowledge is like really terrible. And since then most of the time I would only listen to Japanese music which mostly comes from the opening/ending theme for the animes I watched, and it’s really hard to get my hands on other good Japanese music because it’s not like I can hear them anywhere, unless I actually get them and listen for myself, and therefore, my comp can be said is filled with half of unwanted Japanese music or in other words: junk, while the rest that I actually enjoy seems to be only a handful. The weird thing is that I seem to enjoy those really bubbly, whacky, Japanese songs, those that classical music dudes would rather hear dogs barking instead of the songs that I am hearing, guess you get what I mean.

Okay, guess that’s all for today, pray for me guys, need all the prayers I can get to go through the first week, and err the few weeks after, and hope that I don’t get any serious infections that would make everything even worst. If possible I may bring back a picture of the blue chemo, which I am going through for the 1st week, since I already have a picture of the red chemo, but I am not letting it out in public because it’s errr disgusting… you’ll understand what I mean someday. Hmm, if all goes well, guess I may be strong enough to enjoy the Christmas celebration that I missed last year.

Blessed be Your name~

Phew, thank God that I finally finish eating the chemo-pills on Monday, meaning that the nausea and dizziness would gradually settle down in perhaps a week or so… anymore longer and it would definitely bring a toll on me.

I guess many know that I like playing video-games, but when I am playing games alone I would always prefer playing role playing games as I always love to dwell in a really long story, which those games normally brings. So, really thank God that Final Fantasy 12 was out in stores like around last week. Well, the official released was supposed to be October 31st, don’t know how those pirates ever manage to get the game out that fast. Perhaps it’s a beta version (that would explain some of the really obvious grammar mistakes that a major game company such as Square-Enix shouldn’t make, or perhaps they wanted to make it real by putting it there? Like how most of us speak kacang-Eng-GA-Lish) Yeah, well thank God anyhow as I was able to play it before I enter the hospital in November, at least I have something to entertain me and distract me from all the nausea and suffering. Hmmm… but somehow something doesn’t feel right, I know that we should give thanks to God for everything, but somehow for a pirated disc… hmmm… confusing…

Was really comforted by some of the songs Pastor Siew Teng send to me, especially the song “Blessed be Your name”, since sometimes I really can’t seem to go through what I am going through anymore. At the beginning it was quite easy as things went rather smoothly, but nowadays somehow my body seems really weak to tolerate any of the chemo anymore, thus the nausea/dizziness and all. When everything was going okay, it’s really easy to thank God for everything, but during the times of suffering, it gets really hard to thank and praise God. Through that song, it really encourages me, to thank God in all circumstances, even when the “darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be Your name”. Somehow I always think that if we could thank God even through our sufferings and pain, it would make God really really happy, and at the same time really piss the devil off ha-ha. And that encourages me to fight on, one day at a time, to glorify God’s name, never losing sight and hope in Him.

Blessed be God’s name, till the end of time.

Laughter is the best medicine...

Hmm… really wanted to do lots of ‘normal’ stuff before my long stay in the hospital, but guess I can’t do so because of this nausea, headache and tiredness. Ah, didn’t know that just eating pills can be so hard. Thank God though, that at least I am able to sleep easily.

Well, I was reading the latest entry in Christopher’s blog and was rather encouraged by what he wrote. In fact, knowing that there are people caring and praying for me really is comforting and encouraging, it makes me feel not so alone, and that God’s watching over me even more because of all your prayers.

Talking to Chris was pretty pleasant despite the fact that we were talking about our sufferings during our stay in the hospital most of the time (something that most people wouldn’t want to talk about, since it’s all gloomy and stuff). I guess that’s because having to know that someone understands what you are going through and can relate to what you have been through is comforting. Like, how our freedom were restricted because of the drips we had; how depressing being nausea can be; how we hate vomiting; how drinking hot stuff can give us some comfort from nausea, etc. etc. It’s been a quite a while since I found someone who has experienced and can actually understand what I am going through without explaining lots of specific details (Chris had food poisoning). Example:

Someone: Hey, when you say nausea, how does it feel like?

Me: Erm… it’s like the feeling of vomiting, but not all the time you’ll vomit things out.

Someone: What??

Me: Erm… never mind (too lazy to go on further details).

Ha-ha, just kidding lah, if anyone wants to ask me anything about my treatment or what’s going on in my life just feel free to ask, I won’t push your questions aside or feel frustrated or anything like that. If my explanations doesn’t mean anything to you don’t hesitate to say: “HARH??” Yeah, you get what I mean.

Chris wrote (and some people also said) something about me being really braved going through this sickness and all, but honestly speaking, I can’t say that I am really brave, that I am charging to the front courageously, battling this disease without feeling any fear or frustration. If I were to define someone who is labeled ‘brave’, the person should be able to have a choice to either overcome his or her fears or not to do it. For instance: a young boy (say 4-5 years of age) goes over to the MacDonald’s counter to buy a Happy Meal for his younger sister who’s crying because she wants one, that’s brave, because he actually can choose not to do it, but for the sake of his sister he did it. (Woah kay, maybe that wasn’t such a good example, please leave out the thought of how he got the money to buy the meal, or why are they out at MacDonald’s without their parents, etc. etc.) Okay, a better example would be: A mother risking her life to enter a building that is on fire to save her child. Okay, she has the choice not to risk her life, but she did that for her child, now that’s brave. (Hope you guys get the idea of what I am saying).

So, anyway, like I was saying, I can’t be called ‘brave’ because it’s not like I had a choice to accept what I want to go through or not. When the doctor said it’s time for chemo, is not like I can say: “NO! I DON’T WANT!” If this was a dream, I would have definitely forced myself to wake up by now, and not linger on any longer. Or suppose I was a candidate in some survivor series (okay, either the one trap in an island/jungle or the wrestling one, take your pick), I would have given up half way through when it becomes too tough for me to handle.

Then again, perhaps the fact that I can’t quit is something to thank God for, otherwise, how could I be refine to be more like Christ if I don’t go through suffering? Being human we will naturally try to find the easiest way out of things, at best, things that require no effort on our part but maximum profit to us, even if it means through evil ways. In other words, if I have my way, I would have definitely chose to escape being refined as I wouldn’t want to suffer, but that would mean that I wouldn’t be prepared to do what God has installed for me in the future, as everything God does has a purpose. When you see it that way, then perhaps the suffering process isn’t so bad after all.

Recently when I am going through this suffering, there’s always this weird image or short sketch if you would call it, which comes to my mind that gives me some sort of relieve and comfort. Well, you guys know the story of Job right? Where the devil kind of like bet with God that Job would definitely curse God if he had to suffer so badly. So, it’s like the devil is at first laughing, saying to God: “A man will give all he has for his own life. But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.” (Job 2:4) So… if I manage to go through this whole process and not blame God or question Him on why must I go through this, and instead thank God and praise Him for everything He has done, that would mean God would win the bet right? And when God wins, He goes laughing merrily at the devil (think something along the lines like how you would laugh when you see Jim Carrey’s comedies) and say: “I told you I would win buahahahahah!!!” And the devil goes away feeling angry and frustrated. Well, somehow from that image, seeing God happy and laugh makes me want to win this battle even more. I guess that’s because as Christians, we always ought to make God smile, or better… laugh out of joy because of us being testimonies for Jesus Christ here on earth.

Then again, really thank God for laughter. For laughter is the best medicine as they say. Sometimes when I feel really down, I would watch some of my old ‘hardcore’ comedy animes to make me laugh really hard till I totally forget about my nausea. (By meaning ‘hardcore’ comedy, it’s those shows where you are better left off putting your brain at one side while watching, as if you try to even apply logic on what’s happening your brain will kinda go cuckoo).

Yeah, so, since I am already half-way there, might as well finish the race. No point giving up half-way, especially since God is always with me, why should I lose hope? And I bet it will be really satisfying when I finally reach the finishing line.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow…

And after 30+ tomorrows I finally updated my blog… phew. Guess I am that kind of guy who just loves to leave things until tomorrow, foolishly thinking that there are many tomorrows in the sands of time.

Okay, so I’ll get straight to the point and update everyone on what happened during the past few days, weeks, or erm 1 month.

Well, I had a 8 days chemotherapy (with 3 days break in between) during the month of September, wasn’t anything heavy as the amount of chemo inserted per day was just like a quarter of the normal injection we usually see in the clinic. Though it’s light, somehow I still get pretty nausea after each time they put that small amount of chemo in, and spend the rest of the day sleeping. Hmm, come to think about it, really thank God that at least I can sleep normally despite feeling nausea, otherwise it would be terrible. Then again, most of the time when I sleep I would have weird nightmares, and most of them involves homework and assignments given by teachers in school or college, bah~ No idea how am I going to go back to study life again.

I also had a lamba puncture during this course of chemo. Thank God again that all went well with no side effects this time. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the doctor that does the lamba puncture for me isn’t the same doctor that prescribes my chemo-drug. The main doctor that usually takes care of me is a hematologist, while the one that normally does the lamba puncture is a neurologist. Nevertheless the main reason I mention this up is because this neurologist seems to be really spiritually filled. And I mean really! Every time he comes to check up on me he’ll definitely quote something from the bible and in the hospital he does evangelism almost everyday I guess. And there are sometimes when he ask me questions concerning passages in the bible which I am not so clear or could not remember, which resulted in my not being able to answer him, and he goes “Ju Liang, you better read more of your bible!” Man, damn embarrassing ha-ha (The question he was asking, I think, concern about Balaam and his donkey when the Israelites wanted to go over to the promise land) . And to avoid him lecturing to me about watching too much television or playing too many games on my laptop when he checks up on me (which I don’t, it’s only that somehow when I am playing he always comes to check during that time), I would immediately take up my bible to read or pull up the Purpose Driven Life book in order to make him stop his lecturing. In some ways I always think he should change his profession to become a pastor instead of a doctor, or perhaps use his doctor skills to be a missionary (there was one time after the check up I said: “Thank you, pastor”, woops!). Then again, because of him taking account of me in my faith (since he always ask me how is my walk with the Lord), I could always make sure that I don’t backtrack in my faith in Christ, and humbled myself knowing that even being a Christian for my whole life there are still tons of things in the bible that I have yet to know, therefore, got to read the bible everyday ha-ha. Now I understand the importance of having someone to be accountable for us in our faith in Christ Jesus, whenever someone falls, the other would be able to pick him up, and not fall out in faith. Now I really regret the chance I had during Training Union when we can choose a partner to take account for us, wasn’t serious then, and wasted that opportunity.

During this lamba puncture procedure this doctor also asked me a question: “Do you ever ask God why you have this sickness?” In my mind I was like: “Uh-oh, one wrong answer and I would get a super long lecture from him.” Then again, since I was like lying on the bed feeling all nervous and scared because the procedure was going to start and he was cleaning my back in order to poke the needle in, I couldn’t even think straight, so I just said the truth and answered: “No.” Phew, thank God that that was the right answer ha-ha. Well, he answered: “Good, good, that means you trust that the Lord knows what He’s doing even through suffering.” Thinking about it, I guess I always knew God knows what He’s doing (I mean like, how can God don’t know what He’s doing?), it’s just that sometimes going through what He has in store for us isn’t that easy always, but still, yeah, “Be bold and courageous for the Lord is with you!” Guess I still got to fight on till the very end, knowing that I am not fighting the battle alone, for God is always there watching over me.

Which reminds me, the end line for me has like extended from February to around July (August?) Because by counting the amount of time I needed to complete my first cycle (8 months) times two, it would definitely end around July then. So like yeah, need prayers from you guys to have more spirit to fight on ha-ha.

Okay, so for the month of October the only thing I need to do now is eat chemo-pills, which means don’t need to go to the hospital, yay! But somehow it does make me freaking nausea at times, even when writing this blog post, feel like vomiting time after time ha-ha, nothing too serious though. And when this month end, uh-oh -here comes the pain- a really heavy dosage of chemotherapy will be up next, which would mean that I cannot attend this year’s VBS. Just thinking about the next course makes me go BRRrrrrr… but better stop thinking about that for now, should take things one step at a time or not I will definitely wear out.

That’s why I better make use of the 3-4 weeks break I have now, hope that the chemo-pills wouldn’t give me any side effects so that I could go travel outdoors before I get trapped in the hospital again, ha-ha.

To the farm we go...

Well, let’s see…

Went to the farm today, but it was almost the same as staying back home. That’s because I slept for half of the day there, and when I woke up I was using my laptop to play games and erm write this blog. So yeah, about the same as just staying at home, but then again, perhaps the air is fresher here as it’s far from the city, and there are animals wandering about and it’s good to have a different scenery while typing my blog anyways.

Really thank God that my shingles finally cured up, don’t need to bother my mom anymore to keep changing the dressing on the wound and putting cream 3 times a day, and I can avoid the horrific sight of the shingles and of course the itchiness and pain that comes with it sometimes. But somehow, deep inside me hopes that the shingles wouldn’t cure that fast, that’s because the faster the wound cures, the faster it would mean for me to go back to the hospital for the next chemotherapy (which I guess should be next Monday)… talk about the irony.

But having this super long break in between chemotherapy because of the shingles somehow… hmm how should I describe it… perhaps the word guilty would be best to say it. It feels like seeing an old lady trying to cross the street or a blind man standing in a bus while you’re sitting comfortably on a chair, you know the right thing to do is to help them, but yet somehow you don’t dare to do it because you are afraid of what others think about you and you’re focusing more on your own comfort. Well, for me I don’t think I care less about what others think about me since I am just going to the hospital and not like anyone is seeing me or anything, it’s more of the comfortable part. I know that I must go back to the hospital for chemo so that I would be able to have a higher percentage for a full recovery, but yet somehow I just want to stay comfortable at home, sleeping, playing and slacking at my own pleasure and time. ARGHhh! Good things just doesn’t come easily I guess.

The last red drug that I took, plus the stress of the shingles (I think) has made me completely bald once again, and after a month or so of growing (which I think it wouldn’t even grow more than a millimeter) I think it would drop again when I take the blue drug. It would be a good thing though, that means I don’t need to waste the nurses effort to change the hospital bed sheet everyday because of the hair that drops everywhere, and that would mean that I could sleep later in the morning and not get disturb by them as I don’t need to move because of the changing of bed sheets.

The chemotherapy this time is really testing my self-control too. For example, I really like to drink coke, but the last time I tried that drink it made me really nausea. So I was like regretting and telling my mom how I won’t drink that poison anymore. But not too soon, the next time I went out to eat at a restaurant and had the chance to order anything I want, I would tend to order coke again, thinking that perhaps this time would be different. But yeah, it wasn’t any different than the last time. Ughh…

Hmm… perhaps going to the farm wasn’t all that bad. Dad gave me the chance to drive back a short distance so I get to brush up my driving skills a little. But I almost ended up getting everyone killed instead, ha-ha. Okay, maybe it’s not a laughing matter or anything to boast about, but I thank God for the many times which He protected me from all these accidents, knowing how bad my driving is, and I think the number of chances are running thin, too. But still, thank God for His grace and mercy in protecting me from near accidents after near accidents. It seems to me like every time I drive, something like this would definitely happen… talk about my lousy driving. Well, unless I am driving in some isolated area, than perhaps this would not happen, for example: housing areas… or maybe it would? Guess I got to train like everyday when I complete my treatment.

Now I guess no one wants to sit my car… IF I get the chance to drive.

Cheap Prom...

Hmmm… so who said going to a prom cost a fortune?

I unfortunately, did not have the privilege to go for my high school prom night because it was right after church youth camp, and I was dead tired during that time, so okay, skip that one.

During the 1st half of college life, Suan Aik was kind enough to let me in his band to be a bassist (which consist of Darren, an incredible drummer; Eong Xien, I must say he’s a really really good guitarist; and Ben, his vocal totally rox; and not to forget Suan Aik, another talented guitarist… no idea how they do it, they say they don’t take lessons), and somehow we manage to get a spot to perform during ICPU’s prom night, yeah, I know I am a SAM student, but a job’s a job man.

Things seem to go on fine till this fat dude appeared, he’s some ICPU big guy I guess, and he just have some anti-thingy with bands. So, when he sees us he told us that if we wanted to perform we had to buy tickets, since we are all ICPU students and it would only be fair that way. Then Suan Aik said: “No sir, I am the only ICPU student, the rest aren’t…” Then the fatty goes saying about how it’s a PRIVILEDGE to perform for the ICPU prom blah blah blah… Goodness, we pay to perform? Not like is a contest or something right?

Basically, the whole band already knows that the fatty wants us to buy tickets because he did not meet his quota of people who needs to be at the prom and he’s losing money. But even with the obvious fact, he still goes blabbering about the fact that if we don’t buy the tickets the people working in Sheraton will count more heads, which would end up they having to fork out their own money and stuff, or somehow illegal immigrants would enter because we can enter. Then he asked some cool Indian dude who was their emcee last year and also this year: "Did we let you in free last year?" (I guess he’s hoping to hear a ‘no’) But to his horror the emcee said: “Sir, you paid us 300 ringgit to be your emcees” Buahaha, really kena him man that time, then he kind of switch topics about how emcees being more important and stuff like that… I mean, the point is, if someone performs for you, you’re suppose to pay them brother, not the other way round. It was super hard just to convince him that we are not there for the food, but just to perform and get some experience performing for a crowd. We could perform and leave, but noOO, he keeps changing the topic. As if we had some evil motives behind. Bah~

Somehow we manage to settle the problem and manage to get one table for free, yay! Well, there was this other Indian band that shared the table with us, since they were performing too, but weirdly during the fatty’s interrogation we were the one that got the most out of him though. Nevertheless, we were glad that we manage to get a free table.

Just when we thought that the fatty has a kind side, we were shocked to find out that he did not prepare any music equipment for us on the prom day itself. Aiyoh, just because we did not pay for the prom don’t need lah have your revenge like that. Because of that, all of us got to use our own equipment which was suppose to be our monitor amp when we perform to become the main speakers. Imagine using 15-25 watt amplifiers to allow a whole ballroom to hear what you are playing… we thought it was impossible, but after testing out, thank God that it was sufficient, don’t need to pack our bags and leave that means ha-ha.

So, off we performed that day! Not bad for few tiny amps and my 65 watt bass amp which was put on full blast till I think it kind of spoilt because of that. Our first two songs (or was it three?) had some good reception, could see people feeling the beat to our music. But our later two songs didn’t have much feedback from the crowd, mainly because most of the people went out to take photos of their beautiful selves in Cinderella dresses and cool suits, I guess, during the later part of the prom. And who in the world would want to sit down and listen to a band during prom anyways. So yeah, we were really disappointed during the second half, but then I realize, as a band we should enjoy ‘playing’ the music, and not enjoying the woo’s and ah’s from the crowd—the attention from the people. Reminds me that when we are serving God in church as musicians, song leaders or backup singers, we should always remember we are playing the music and singing to please our Lord, not to please the people and hope they award you with some medal for being so ‘geng’ in what you do. Glorify God, not men, something I must always try to remember.

Here’s a picture from Eong Xien during that night:












Yeah, I know… I know, why all not wearing suit one! Aiyoh, I have difficulties just playing my instrument standing up, if I was wearing a suit and play, the sound that comes out would be noise not music anymore. And it would be freaking weird if all of us wear suits to play, or cool if you’re errr weird I guess. Anyway, all in all, first prom didn’t cost me anything, but it did cost lots of energy (and some money for the jam sessions) preparing for the performance and convincing the fatty to allow us to perform, for free…

My second prom didn’t cost me much either… paid 80 bucks for the SAM prom ticket, and that was all.

Well, at first I really wanted to put up a show and all by buying my own tux and perhaps go for some killer hair-do and stuff like that, you know all the hype before the prom thingy when suddenly I realize that I don’t have a date (yeah, like as if I ever had one in my life) and there’s nothing to look forward to that day, accept perhaps the food. That in a way made me decide to maybe skip the prom night, since it may end up being super boring, but being the stingy me, the 80 bucks made me think otherwise.

And because of that, I lost the urge to go out and spend big bucks preparing all the gears for prom. It was only on the evening of the prom night which I decided that I should go, because well, it could be the last day where I could meet my college mates then. Then the problem came, what in the world am I suppose to where over there, I mean, I did not go shopping man. So the scavenger hunt began…

In the end, this was what I came up with (don’t ask me what brand is it, I have no idea) [Wei Qi, me and Wai Soon in the picture]:


















Coat: Borrowed from dad
White long sleeved shirt: Borrowed from elder brother
Pants: Borrowed from elder brother
Leather Belt: Borrowed from dad
Socks: Borrowed from dad
Shoes: Borrowed from dad

Basically I borrowed everything from my dad and brother, yeah, call me cheap, but I think this is cost saving ha-ha. And anyway, most people wear their prom attire once and never use it again, having the fear that people would criticize them for wearing the same thing twice, bah, peer pressure. And yeah, really thank God that I manage to whip up a hair style correctly for once that day in 10 minutes, that was the first and hopefully not the last time I could do something like that (well, you know, no hair now ha-ha). My hair was always a natural disaster, I could never get it to the way I want it… but I think the main reason would be because I am super lazy to prepare it right, prefer sleeping through it.

There you have it, how to reduce cost for your prom night so you can afford tickets for your date that day! Well, actually I almost managed to escape paying 80 bucks for the ticket if our band managed to enter to perform during my SAM prom night, but the principle only allowed one band to perform which unfortunately weren’t us. NOT because we were terrible, but because the principle thought that each band would need its own set of equipments, which would cost a fortune for them. Only later did we realize the misunderstanding but it was too late. So, the band which had a violinist manage to get the band spot, and they did a really good job that day, problem was people were taking photos during that time, and yeah, you know what happens next… no one listens and everyone leaves the ballroom to take pictures of their pretty selves. Yeah, me and my whole class were guilty of that, too, ha-ha. Didn’t regret going for the SAM prom night, it really was the last day to meet some of my college friends, and yeah, talked a lot of crap that day. One thing though, never eat with a class that consists of engineering students. Because most of the students in the pre-engineering class were guys, the food kind of finish off way too fast. We didn’t realize how fast we were eating till we saw that our food were different from that of the other tables, one order faster than all the others beside us, goodness.

So, yeah, who said going to prom cost a fortune?

Of shingles, gastric, dreamz, and fever

Woah, last week was terrible…

Well, I had rashes at my back for quite sometime, since the last chemotherapy treatment (which is last last Tuesday), doctor said it was because of the prednisolone pills which I take daily plus the fact that my immune system has drop to an all time low. The rashes looks really terrible, but since it doesn’t itch nor hurt, I didn’t bother to visit a skin specialist or do any treatment on it, and yeah, last time I had it too, and it did go away, so why shouldn’t it this time… that’s what I thought.

So, last week something weird happen, the rashes at the back seem to have come to the front and I was starting to have a slight fever. WOahhhkay, that shouldn’t happened I thought to myself, but still did not worry too much about it. Visited the doctor again the next day of the discovery, and the doctor was advising me to go and check up with a skin specialist, just in case anything happens. Problem is, the skin doctor he recommended isn’t in the hospital during that time as he has another clinic, being the super lazy me, I decided to ‘ponteng’ the check up, since I thought the skin wasn’t much of a problem.

Then Friday came, was still having a fever and mother was getting worried, off to the hospital again we go. Well, before the doctor said anything he decided to check my rashes again, and too his and our horror, he said I had herpes (Okay, honestly speaking, I did not worry yet, mainly because I have no idea what that was, only when he said admitted I when ‘gulp’). (Chinese people call it the ‘snake’ because it actually coils around your body, and if it actually completes one circle I am dead, or so they say, urban legends?) And I had to be admitted to the hospital. Goodness, not staying in the hospital again, I dread that place, but I guess that’s a punishment for being so ignorant of checking up with a skin specialist…

*For those who want to check what herpes is on the internet, type “shingles” instead, as if you type “herpes” you will most probably get results that say it’s a sexually transmitted disease, NOOOO I did not had that. That’s because shingles are also called ‘herpes zoster’. For those who are just too lazy to check what it is, basically it’s the reactivation of chicken pox. And no, even if u had chicken pox if I want to pass it to you I can buahahaha, but if you did not had chicken pox before, then you will get chicken pox only though.

Got admitted and waited like forever again for the skin doctor to see me. Thank God that Reverend Chuah and Teacher Derek were there to keep me company awhile, and yeah, mom, too, ha-ha. Around 5 something in the evening the skin specialist came, had a look, confirmed it as shingles, prescribe antibiotic pills and how to treat the infected area with cream and bandages. I was starting to wonder why in the world must I get admitted to the hospital if it was just ‘pills’. So I asked him:

“Doctor, does that mean I can go home now?”

Doctor: “Yeah, if you want to.”

Me thinking in my head: “So what am I doing on a hospital bed =.=…”

Later the nurse told me that if it was another skin specialist that check up on me, he would definitely put me on antibiotic drips, that’s why Doctor Rudy, my hematologist doctor, asked me to be admitted. I was about to jump with joy with the fact that I don’t need to stay overnight in the hospital when Doctor Rudy told me that I better stay for one day, in case of any side effects or stuff like that and it would be a good time for mom to learn how to apply the cream and the bandages. Okay, better be safe than sorry. And as I was lying on the bed, I was like, okay, I should have just asked the nurse to prick me and get my blood instead of putting one whole chemo-pod thingy on me. Bah~ wasted…

But that night sleeping was terrible…

Not only was my shingles starting to hurt like crap, my gastric was also hurting, and I had fever, another 3 hit combo like last time (which was fever, some infection which opens a wound that couldn’t heal for some days, and ulcers in the tongue). Couldn’t sleep for the whole night, sigh. And even if I did manage to sleep, I woke up one hour later, although it seems like I had already slept for 5-6 hours. Well, guess when you’re suffering time somehow purposely slows down, and when you’re having fun, time goes super fast. Hope it could be reverse though, that way I could “seem” to get much sleep during college life even though the sleeping time was darn short.

And that’s not the worst part, when you’re having a fever, dreams tend to appear in loops (yeah, not again). (Well, I didn’t dream during the night I was in hospital with shingles though, that’s because, I couldn’t actually sleep that night) So, to those who are having fever my advice to you would be: please don’t go and watch action-packed movies or movies that you would die if you did not go and watch in the cinemas (unless the movies you are dying to watch is something that goes so slow and boring, than yeah, by all means go ahead). Watch something like “Seabiscuit”, not to say is a bad movie, it really is good, but it doesn’t have any super fast paced movements, unless erm the horses just move too fast for you. I remembered the first time I suffered a fever because of chemotherapy, I had just watched “Alien vs Predator” and “Species 2”, yeah, imagine the horror. Dreaming of being some lorry driver that has to send alien eggs to some unknown place that I can’t and never reach, having 3 annoying ‘sidekicks’ in the lorry which I have no idea come out from which movie, and even as I was thinking why the heck must I work as a lorry driver that will be soon under attack by aliens I can’t seem to get out of the dream. Okay, this time around I watched “Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift”, it wasn’t so bad, just watching cars zoom by. Problem is, the same cars zooms by for the whole night I was sleeping, and I could only see trails of lights of the cars, can’t even see the model of the car or anything else for that matter. Talking about dying of boredom, but at least I don’t need to work or anything, just need to strain my eyes trying to know what model the car was…

Thank God the light of dawn eventually came…

Manage to able to have some sweet rest eventually when I got home, somehow the gastric pain went away, the shingles didn’t hurt so bad, and the fever could always be suppressed by panadols. Ah, but I missed all the good events that Saturday and Sunday: the worship workshop in the morning, Li woon’s gathering, Suan Aik’s farewell and a band gig on Sunday night.

Then again, being able to rest at home sweetly… after suffering so many sleepless night and pain, is more than I can ask for.

Sometimes things like these tend to make you ask God why? Why must I go through all these things? Why can’t I just be like some normal dude who goes to college or university? And before I want to ask some more whys… I remembered who can compare with God’s wisdom? He knows what’s best, maybe I wouldn’t turn away from my old ways if I didn’t have this sickness? Perhaps I would still be spiritually too weak and filled with doubts? And even if I want to start complaining about all my sufferings to God, I’ll be reminded then… how about Jesus? He suffered and died a horrible death and rose again on the third day to set us all free from sin.

And that is more than enough to thank God for everything that has happened to me.

Farewells~

I am terribly bad at farewells somehow.

Well, let’s jus say that in every farewell event I can never actually say good-bye properly.

For example, when Leena was going off to Australia sometime ago, me, my brother and Daniel were around 10-15 minutes late (unfortunately due to last minute work), which ended up that she left before we could even give her the CD containing pictures and stuff and saying a simple good-bye.

Then there was this other time when Khar Wee was going to migrate to UK and all I said was: “Oh, okay, all the best over there…” And some other basic lines where one says to another friend when he or she is going home from school. Brr, rather cold now I think of it.

And if teacher Pei Yiing and Daniel Mok did not say: “Harh, just like that only ah?” I would actually just say: “Oh, okay, bye then” on the last Sunday before Joyce went off to study, without continuing any other conversation.

Not forgetting the fact that since I was admitted to the hospital, I couldn’t give a proper farewell to Jane and all my other classmates that went overseas to further their studies, bah~

There was also this time when a primary school friend of mine transferred to another school and I did not say good-bye because I skipped school for the last week to go on a holiday with my family, and I never saw her since.

Perhaps one of the reason why I am terribly bad at farewells would be the fact that I always think I can see them again somehow, someday, somewhere. In my heart it is always like: “one year only mah… later holiday sure come back also wert…” I take things for granted too much I guess.

Ha-ha, and maybe that’s why this year I was planning to go to Australia to study quietly without telling anyone so that I wouldn’t need to bother with all the farewell stuff. But guess my plan was foiled though because of ‘unforeseen circumstances’. Well, unforeseen by human eyes that is.

But then again, if the person remembers you, then it really isn’t farewell I guess, for the person still stays in your memories and yours in his or hers. The worst part would be the fact that after the good-bye event the person actually forgets about you and knows nothing when you introduced yourself again. That’s what happened to the primary school friend, after 5 years when I finally manage to get in contact, the person completely has no memory of me, woah kay…

Thank God that He remembers us and never changes. Thinking back, I feel really guilty because when I am having so much fun and when things are just going so well, I tend to forget about God and put much of the emphasis on myself, me, me, and me. Yeah, maybe there’s the occasional thank God events but after a few minutes you focus on your own joy again. It’s really ironic that only when we are suffering that we will remember God and look up to Him the most, and that’s because we need His help then. Human’s natural behavior I guess, only looking out for ourselves. But God isn’t like us, for He still remembers us all the time because He loves us so, so very much.

Last of the Reds

Ah, just got back from another round of chemotherapy. I think this would be the last of the red ones today, although I guess I won't actually miss it ha-ha, who misses medicines man.

Okay, I must admit the reason why I am writing my blog now instead of being lazy is because I am having the problem of not being able to sleep again, side-effects of the chemotherapy, thank God it only last one day though. It's like my body is super tired, but my brain doesn't want to rest, kept dreaming of weird stuff, for instance, I was dreaming that I went to Holiday Villa for some event and wanted to park my car at the parking basement. Then there was this attendant at the bottom that told me that I can't park in level 1 or 2 but needed to park the car at the level 3 basement. Whoa Kay, easier said than done, after driving endlessly I can't seem to find a ramp going down to level 3, I can see the level 3 basement, but no way to go down. And there I was spinning round and round the parking lot till I give up and woke up, bah~ Should have done that earlier instead of wasting my time in a... dream? And there were many other irritating repeating dreams, you know, those that kind of loop non-stop and you hope you just wake up, for it's like watching endless re-runs of a terrible movies.

Oh, before I forget, got to thank my cousin Ah Ching Jie Jie so much, for the unlimited supply of Archie comics (which makes me start to wonder how in the world she manages to stack those lorry bundles of Archies in her house) and the whole season of Friends, which I know will keep me accompany and bring lots of joyous laughter for a long time. Will be saving it to watch during the 1 month period I would be staying in the hospital though, for I don't think I would be able to touch the computer then, knowing how strong that treatment would be on me.

Which makes me wonder how in the world am I actually going to survive the 1 month long treatment in the hospital. Just being in the hospital room now makes me feeling nausea and now I don't even have to stay in there for a day yet, just barely a few hours. Really needs God's strength to help me survive during that time, especially knowing how terrible it would be with the blue chemotherapy, ouchies, would make me go crazy just thinking about it. Well, the good thing of going to the hospital so often now is that I am about to have an immunity to needles soon, since I am having my blood check every other week and putting a chemo-pod every now and then which is becoming a daily routine. Although now I am actually trying to force myself to see the needle going in though, just not use to see something pricking in.

Ha-ha, was just complaining to my mom on why she cooks good food on the day I can't actually eat much food because of the chemotherapy. The fried chicken is just soooooo tempting. But I know that if I ate it I am going to suffer indigestion like for the whole night, so thank God I manage to resist this time around, ha-ha. It's like for all the previous time I had this chemo I told myself not to eat heavy food, I said I will not make the same mistake, but each time I see the good food on the table I just can't seem to resist and gobble everything to my heart's content, only to suffer later, ha-ha. Well, at least this time around I manage not to take the chicken, and also another time where I just ate bread because I felt too sick, so that's like 2 out of 8 I think. 25%... still failed the test, bah~ Hmmm, maybe that’s why we can’t really blame Eve for being tempted and taking the fruit, just one fried chicken I also cannot tahan already, what more some fruit that taste and look so good and will give you wisdom.

Oh yeah, got to thank God that now I only need to take 5 steroid pills a day instead of the usual 10, that would save me lots of time and trouble trying to take the pills after meals. Funny thing is, the doctor told me to take half from what I was taking, which is 5, but yet in his medicine prescription it says to eat 5 after breakfast and 5 after dinner, with simple calculations, that’s 10. Then there’s his nurses that says I should eat it for alternate days, which is 10 in 2 days, well, if you divide the pills by the days it would be 5 a day, but wouldn’t the pill effect actually vanish the next day if I take it alternately? I mean, I need the pills to prevent joint pains, unless the effect last for 2 days then I would listen to the nurse, but common sense tells me to take 5 a day as I don’t think the effect could last that long. So which of them is telling the right thing now?

Hmm, guess that’s all for now, all in all, thank God that I could come home and rest instead of staying there in the hospital. Need to enjoy every blessing that He gives me.

No short-cuts

Okay, decorating a blog site is no easy job, which made me think why in the world did I actually imagined to become a computer programmer or engineer during form one. Maybe I thought playing computer games and doing coding and programming were equally fun, but now I know it’s not… that kind of work gives me a terrible headache instead, ha-ha.

Many thanks to a guy or erm girl nicknamed PsyCho, which I have no idea who he or she is, but manage to fell upon this guy’s site that makes the entire html coding and gibberish language to decorate the site much easier as he made a really good interface to do what you just need to do to decorate the site. This totally eliminates the need to actually understand the Greek language of coding which is totally good, why didn’t anyone think of that? All I just need to do is click around and viola… completion!

Bah~ If it only was that easy.

But no… the site says you can make a normal looking site look a little more professional in less than 10 minutes through his interface. So I was like okay… I guess one hour will do for me… but it took me 5 hours to complete that entire thing. Okay, maybe I am just too ‘duh’ on coding and decorating backgrounds that’s why. Cause’ it took me ages just to figure out how to put a tag board, which I got it from Tracey’s site and a site counter which I took it from Joshua’s blog to put on my site. It took me many trials and errors to only have both those things situated where I want it to be.

And no… it wasn’t over yet.

The next day, my friend Kam Tong told me my tag board was at the bottom of the page even with the screen maximize =.= . WOah kay, I was sure if I had my screen maximized it would have perfectly fitted in one row… scratching my head, I figured out that’s the bad advantage of having a 19 inch screen, as mine could fit everything while his couldn’t. So I tried tweaking the code blindly and manage to end up with some positive results after many many tries, which I think Kam Tong must also be kind of frustrated especially since I needed him to check again and again how it was on his screen. So for all those 15 inch monitor people, thank Kam Tong that everything could fit perfectly in the screen now when it is maximized ha-ha. (Then again, for those less than 15 inch screen people, sorry lah, tag board at the bottom I guess, ha-ha)

Still, there are many room for improvements, like putting in wrong addresses on my links and how some fonts could only appear on my screen but while I check my blog on my brother’s computer the font becomes Ariel black instead of the original ‘croobie’ font that I put. But I think I will just leave that aside as it will be too much of a hassle just to figure it out, ha-ha.

But this ultimately reminds me that nothing good can actually come out from short-cuts. Just like Zhi-Yong said in his blog before, that many of us try to be like streams of water, always trying to find the easy way out of things. But truth is if you want something to turn out right, everything must be done the hard way. Well, maybe we can do things more efficiently to make things easier, but still to achieve desired results one must work hard to obtain it. Sometimes I hope it isn’t so, that way I don’t need to practice by doing things over and over again just to be good at it. But even Jesus Himself said that narrow is the way that leads to eternal life, ha-ha. So, that ultimately says it, no short-cuts even in our spiritual life.

On a side note, this few days I have been trying to recollect my memories. Was really glad that I manage to reconfirm one of my oldest memories with a friend… without having the need to face the embarrassment of knowing that it did not happened or I just made it up somehow, phew. Arghh, realized that as I get older I can’t differentiate between a dream and a memory inside my head, getting mixed up all inside there, ha-ha. Or perhaps the chemotherapy has put some permanent damage to my head?

Well, okay, God really has been incredibly good to me as I could relax most of the days at home, for this time treatment isn’t that heavy. Perhaps a little indigestion here and there, getting tired easily but still not too bad ha-ha. Thank God in every circumstances right? Oh yeah, another thing to thank God for would be the fact that I ‘couldn’t sleep’ during the time I was trying to decorate the new blog, ha-ha, otherwise I would never have it completed, being the super lazy me. And… speaking of being lazy, thank God that I was getting lazy to blog at the later stages otherwise I would have a tough time trying to shift my previous post one by one manually to the new site… why wouldn’t they just give some special function to shift everything automatically? And…

Okay, maybe I should just stop here, for if I want to thank God for everything, even a sea of ink would go dry as they say, ha-ha, for God really is good, all the time.

Completion!

Ah, finally!!!! FInally my task of decorating the site is complete, took me ages -_-...

Well, wanted to shift because my other blog doesnt provide as many services as good as this one i guess, keke! And i can't upload photos too, sob~

Alright, it's time i deserve my rest now... niteyz

Reunion

Yawn… was so sleepy in the morning that I wanted to ‘ponteng’ my chemotherapy today. Knowing that it is impossible, I had no choice but to wait for the dreaded call of my mom to wake me up. But… to my surprise, instead of the usual yelling, she somehow miraculously said that the appointment was tomorrow because last week I did the LP procedure on Tuesday, so the doctor said I needed one more day of rest. Okay, that was one of the best wake up calls since school days, where most of the time it goes: “Faster wake up, you’re already 15 minutes late!” Really thank God for all these little blessings, ha-ha. (Makes me sound like God’s blessing comes in different packages both big and small, ha-ha, in all things give thanks I guess)

But ‘ponteng-ing’ today, somehow makes me feel I am once again procrastinating my so called ‘work’ that I should have done, ha-ha.

Well, another thing I really need to thank God for is the ability and the opportunity to go for my high school class gathering last Saturday. It was really good to be able to see all those familiar faces and talk about those old times we had in school as well as the things we are currently doing now, which, in this case was mostly about where they’re studying, are they going overseas or how were they doing studying overseas, etc. and honestly it kind of got dull just asking that same question over and over again. So, guess I better restrict myself from asking that the next time I meet them.

Okay, and before I continue, just got to give a round of applause and a big shout of THANKS!!! to Rahayu, our PKT (penolong ketua tingkatan, in case you don’t what that means) that organized this whole thing. I know it really isn’t easy to call up and gather all 30++ hooligans to meet up on one day. Oh, and not to forget the hassle to make reservations at Shogun, which served really good Japanese food I must say and the variety is just too much to handle.

One thing about this gathering is that every one of us still looked the same as we were back then during high school. Maybe that’s because all of us stop growing, ha-ha, unlike those primary school reunions where a shorty you remembered could suddenly become some giant the next time you meet him. Well, there are some minor differences; some of us changed our hairstyle, like for me I turned mine to bald, ha-ha. But other than that, most of them were still very like them both inwardly and outwardly which brings back some nostalgic memories. There is this one thing that always amazes me though, the fact that most of my friends could now drive around freely. For those that are really alert I wouldn’t mind, but for those who I know as being super blur and careless being able to drive is like, woah! Is seems like every one has reached a new level. But guess I can’t say much about them though, as I am a much more super lousy driver, ha-ha.

Oooo and I finally manage to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2! Man, I just got to watch the sequel after watching it 6++ times in the hospital on both Disney channel and Star Movies. At least now I am finally relieved from the questions that I had from the first movie, as most of them got answered, but in return, I just can’t seem to wait for the third sequel to be out as the suspense is killing me! Bah~

Ha-ha, guess I really got to thank God for that beautiful day, where I could hang out in 1-Utama for half a day and catch up with my friends. I can say that was the first time I walk around with my wallet in hand this whole year, which means my first outing, woo-hoo!

Okay, guess I got to go now, need to rest before I start my ‘work’ tomorrow in the hospital!

All things well...

Ah, how I hope that there’s some kind of machine that could automatically jot down what your mind thinks into words.

That’s because most of the time when I am about to go to sleep on my bed will I think of many “inspirational stuff” to write on my blog. While on the other hand, most of the time when I on the computer and want to seriously start writing the things that were on my head, these “inspirational stuff” would so conveniently and mysteriously disappears out of my mind. Bah~


So, anyways, really thank God for the four weeks break that I had, although it kind of shocked me when my mom told me that the doctor gave me such a long break, as it feels like something is horribly wrong and out of place. That’s what happens when you go to the hospital too often I guess.

The break was really refreshing as I could finally go to other places besides my house, and mingle with all my cousins and relatives once again during my cousin’s wedding, having the opportunity to wear a suit and take many “friendster photo” moments with them (although I seriously look like a ghost… nah, princess seems more like it, with my skin so fair), not to forget that elder brother came back, too, which means more games and fun… yay!

But, I guess all good things come to an end eventually. And now I am undergoing the same treatment I had the first time I got admitted to the hospital… taking the red chemo-drug. Well, I really need to thank God during the first time I had this treatment as it was really easy going, I only had the nausea feeling a day or two (and sometimes completely nothing at all) after the chemo went in and later I would be okay. The only thing that scares me was the duration as the protocol indicated that I needed to stay at least month.

Phew, how relieve was I to hear the doctor say I could go home immediately after the red chemo-drug has been flowed into my body. Go home on the same day I have the treatment? Praise the Lord! Ha-ha. The doctor said that last time I needed to stay in the hospital for a month was because my blood count went hay wired, my white and red cells drop too low and I got to be contained to be monitored and to prevent me from being infected by the dirty outside world, boo hoo. But at the end I decided to stay for a night at least just in case I got terribly nausea and needed to be readmitted. Now all I need to do is visit the doctor every week for one month to get the treatment, but I can go home just that day itself.

Woo-hoo! Guess God has been really gracious to me. Well, there’s one bad thing about this treatment, which is the fact that I need to eat 10 prednisolone pills (steroid pills) a day. (It’s used to kill some of the white cells and to prevent joint pains from the chemotherapy) If I could swallow the pills down really fast it wouldn’t be much of a problem, but the problem is most of the time these pills get stuck on my tongue and it tastes really bitter, ewww. And after a while I will get a really disfigured moon face and a black hole stomach because of the side effect of the pill. The black hole thingy isn’t that bad, as it makes me look forward to meals everyday, yummy. The moon face thing makes me look really like the moon… I guess… but at least that allows me to learn that looks isn’t important as it could just fade away just like that.

Which reminds me that I finally have my hair growing back again, yay, don’t need to look botak. But then again it’s going to drop on the next treatment when I get the blue chemo-drug, as that one really is the killer. Weirdly though, I am looking forward to the dropping of hair as I would really want to take a picture of my head when that happens, first because I missed taking a photo of it during the first time it happened and at least it gives me something to remember. Honestly speaking it wasn’t easy to accept the fact when my hair started to drop. One part of me says that: “Come on is just hair, it will grow back sooner or later and who cares if you are botak or not, is not like looks are important” but the other part of me was like “Gosh, how long is this going to last, botak just isn’t me, and what will others think of me?”

Well, yeah, but then again, need to thank God for this earthly reminder, as it really tells me that looks really don’t last as it could just fade anytime like that. And besides as time passes by, the looks that we had when we were teenagers would not stay with us. So, better focus on things that are eternal I guess.

Thinking about it, sometimes I just wonder why God wants me to be in this situation, if given a choice I would really hope to go to university and join the rest of my friends. But as I always tell myself: “Even if God could make a time machine He wouldn’t need it, cause He doeth all things well.” God has a plan for me, and besides, this situation would make me special in a way, ha-ha, and allows me to be refined as gold.

Yeah, just as the hymn goes:

“For I know whatever befalls me,
Jesus doeth all things well.”


I take back my word on the “machine that could automatically jot down things that you are thinking”, well, for one thing some things are better left unsaid I guess, and we know how foolish our minds can be at times. Thank God that we don’t speak through minds, otherwise the world would be in utter chaos, ha-ha.

Just imagine if we can see what other people are thinking through this machine:

Student got scolded and punished by headmaster for coming late.
Student thinking in mind: I hope that your pants will be caught on fire and you will trip and fall on a pile of dung when you walk out.
Headmaster with wonder machine: “Oh, so that’s what you’re thinking, DETENTION FOR THE WHOLE YEAR!”
~Yeah, some things are just best left unsaid~ =p

XD

Headache cure liow... YAY~!!! XD

Elder brother came back from Aussie... YAY~!!! XD

Doctor says my next treatment only starts at 4th of July... YAY~!!! XD

That means i can attend for my cousins wedding on the 1st of July... YAY~!!! XD

WOOHOO, guess i got to thank God for the 4 weeks super long break before i go back for a super long treatment...

Well, God has been really good, keke. In all things give thanks to God!

Dizzy... dizzy...

Woah kay...

Was admitted to the hospital on the 5th of June, which was a Monday. Had 2 treatments of chemotherapy, one of them lasted 24 hours, while the other took around 45 minutes. This time the strong chemo-drug was in white color though, in addition to the red, blue and yellow ones I had, whoopee, more too my collection!

On the 6th of June I had my LP procedure; really don’t like this as I can’t move for around 5-6 hours after the procedure mainly because it will cause a massive headache and I need to lie down to pressurize the wound at my back. Arghh, really don’t like the fact that I don’t have the freedom of movement.

But really thank God that this treatment only last for like erm, two days? As on the 7th of June, which was a Wednesday, the doctor said that I could go home if I ‘felt’ okay. Well, I guess even if I did felt ‘not so okay’ then I would lie to him for I really can’t stand staying in the hospital somehow, it could actually make a healthy people feel sick just being in it, or maybe that’s because I stayed in there for too long of a time ha-ha, or perhaps because of the phobia I have with hospital food… ughh. Wednesday went rather well, I was still feeling fine, was able to play few matches of DoTa and had a rather ‘productive’ chat with Teacher Derek and Daniel Mok after the Young Adults fellowship at night.

The nightmare came on the next day. The last few things I can remember before having the massive headache was waking up around eleven something that day, had a bowl of mee soup for lunch and a lime ice-cream. Then I walked to my room to play another game of DoTa when suddenly I don’t feel so ‘okay’ like I think I would be. I was feeling nausea all a sudden and dizziness start creeping in. First I thought it would only last a moment, perhaps because I ate too much that’s why I vomited? So I went to throw out everything only to find out the headache was still there. Guess the only thing I could do was go to sleep then and lie down, as the dizziness became way too serious.

So, then I thought this weird headache would recover the next day. But it lasted like until now. Really thank God that the headache got very much better after a week since that day. Naturally at the beginning I was kind of afraid, having such a massive headache and all, so I check my handy book of “Childhood leukemia” and check on the chemo-drug that was done during the LP procedure. Viola, the chemo-drug that was injected through the spine (which was different from the 24 hours and 45 minutes chemo-drug) had a side effect of causing headaches, as the drug somehow messes with the cerebrospinal fluid which is found in the brain and spinal cord.

Because of this headache, basically I only have a time span of around 30 minutes to 2 hours of standing up or sitting down, and after that I got to rest lying down as the headache gets too severe and my neck aches like crazy. After around 3 hours plus of rest then I could last for another period of time again before I got to withdraw to the comfort of my bed. So basically whenever I could be able to move around would be the time for me to eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner, and perhaps half a match of the world cup ha-ha. And the rest of the time I would be lying on the bed. Funny thing is that I could last longer moving out of my bed at night compared to during the day, maybe it’s because there’s this other side effect which gives me extreme sun sensitivity, no idea what that means though haha.

Hmmm, well maybe I should make it clearer. The headache is more of dizziness than pain. Just imagine yourself circling for like 20 circles and you’ll get that feeling (Man, makes me remember of those spinning cups in theme parks which makes me go, ughh). If only I could immediately dose of when I lie down in bed because of the headache, that would be excellent. But as I was dizzy and not tired or sleepy, I basically just lie down with my mind still being active, which can be troublesome at times as I got really bored then. And since I have this “TAK NAK” policy to books, the only alternative was playing the guitar while lying on the bed. Ha-ha, at least that wouldn’t make my guitar rust and rot at a corner. And when I actually did manage to sleep I would have these weird dreams out of no where. One was being back to school and the first thing the teacher asked was to hand up out assignments. Not another this type of dream I thought, if it wasn’t about school then it would be about handing up tuition homework , which somehow I always didn’t do in the dream. Man, makes me wonder how am I going to adjust to school life after the whole treatment, ha-ha. And there was this other dream where I was dreaming of movie trailers. The weird thing is that non off the movies trailers that I dreamt of actually exist in present time, is a ‘campur’ of every movie I can remember, and somehow it does end up to be a perfect trailer, I think ha-ha. When I woke up after that dream I was like: “Man, that’s full of crap!” As it really was lame and funny somehow.

Had a check up with my doctor the next Monday after that treatment, and he said that I was perfectly fine. His reason was that the chemotherapy through the spinal cord has upset the equilibrium of the cerebrospinal fluid and cause the headache. And since he was going to Amsterdam for some medical meeting or something like that he told me that if the headache did not get better I need readmit to the hospital on Wednesday morning to check up with him, just before he leaves to Amsterdam at night. Well, even if I wasn’t feeling that well I guess I wouldn’t want to go and get readmitted either, NO WAY MAN!!!!

Well, thank God again that it did got much better by Wednesday, could stay out of bed for longer periods of time and was improving by each day. I am still having the headaches and backbone aches as of now, only thing is that the headache only starts to react if I change position, which means from sitting to standing to lying down, I would have the headache for a minute or two and then it will settle down and I would feel just like normal, which was much better considering the fact that I was having a non-stop headache just a week ago.

Still, all in all, thank God that I did not need to get readmitted for that will be a total nightmare, worst than the one where I go back to school, blek. And a very big thanks to everyone that prayed for me constantly, keke. Well, I guess suffering hard once in a while would allow a person to go back to the right track, as it reminds us to trust in the Lord always and know that God’s plan is always the perfect plan.

No Tears in Heaven...

Bah~ Once again laziness has made me not being able to update my blog regularly and resulted in many heads wondering on my situation now. Ha-ha, really sorry for that, as there are times when i want to update my blog but i get either too tired or too sick during the treatment, and when i am well, there's always something else that will distract me from actually doing it like games and playing the guitar, blek.

So erm, status report?

When back to the hospital on the 13th of May (Saturday) for another round of the same treatment as what i did for the previous one, manage to be released on the 17th which is a Wednesday. Really thank God as this time the negative side effects weren't that strong compared to the previous treatment. Well, there's three reasons i could think of that reduce the effect. First one would be due to the fact that the doctor reduced the strength of the chemotherapy, so that i could take it better, as he said the previous one was a little, erm, hard for me i think. Secondly the doctor gave me more dosage of folinic acid, which helps the body in some way from getting destroyed by the chemotherapy i think. And thirdly would be God's grace. Well, I don't really know which one is actually the real answer to the lessening of the side effects, it could be all, but as Pastor Siew Teng said:" God's grace is above all the rest!" Ha-ha, yeah, how true. Really thank God that this time around i don't need to suffer from the bleeding of my sore lips and having to like wash my mouth every morning to get rid of the blood and stuff, ouchies. Ah, and not to forget about the nausea too, did not vomit as badly compared to last time, was able to recover quicker, and right now i don't have the occasional nausea feeling every now and then, which really is a bonus. Thank God for His grace and mercy ha-ha.

Okay, but somehow i manage to get a fever last Thursday, not really sure how i got it, but that really worried me and my mom as it could mean i am attacked by an infection or my white cells have dropped really low till i cannot defend myself. So, immediately the next day i went to meet up with the doctor to have a blood check. Turns out that the blood count seems alright, which means i just got an ordinary fever out of nowhere i guess, but as a precaution i was asked to take two kinds of antibiotics which cost a bunch to prevent any infection. That fever wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't made my stomach go haywire and made me vomited badly again, but thank God that the serious vomiting was only a one day event, and i was back to normal on Saturday again.

Man, i really got to stop typing the word 'vomit', ha-ha. My friend was complaining to me the other day as to why was all of my blogs only about vomiting nowadays. Ughh, not that i want to, but it's just something that i really don't like that's why, ha-ha.

Hmmm, going through all this pain and suffering has one good point, at least it lets you look up to heaven. Ha-ha, no, is not that i am thinking of dying, but when you suffer really bad, you will somehow only truly know how peaceful and joyful heaven is, and it makes you yearn to go back to the Father, to have sweet rest instead of staying here on earth. Is just like what Joyce said the other day during youth fellowship, that if God let us enjoy and have fun and be merry all year round on earth without a single worry or suffering, we will never strive our best to be with the Lord and look up to heaven. Instead we will be too contend with the world and that will ultimately lead us to sin as we don't look forward to God and His glory in heaven. Well, heaven is our final destination anyway, a happy place, and where our 'real' treasure is. It will be kind of dumb if we like try so hard to store treasures on earth only knowing that none of it will be going to heaven. It's like building a sand castle by the sand, when the tides rises, the whole 'kingdom' will fall and be wipe out away into the sea. So why not build our treasure in heaven instead, so it wouldn't go to waste? But i myself got to discipline myself to do it, easier said then done as they say.

As i am now doing my devotion on the part where Moses lead the people out of Egypt to the promise land, i sometimes always laugh at the Israelites, especially during the part where Moses goes up Mount Sinai and receive God's commandments and while he's up there the people made a calf idol for themselves since Moses took so long to come down (wow, a mouthful). I laugh because i think they are just too foolish. They have seen God's power as He lead them out of Egypt: opened the Red Sea, provide manna out of thin air, water from the rock and yet they dare to create an idol right in front of God. It seems unthinkable. Yet, when i discussed with my parents they say that they did so because all of us are born to sin, and we are just too sinful that it actually drives out our fear from God. It did not bother me much till i noticed that i myself was the same. When i am sick and suffering i call to God for help, asking for His strength and grace, depending my all on Him. But yet, when i recover from the pain and was feeling much better and healthier, i tend to 'forget' God and try to entertain myself with games, music, video and other sorts of media, reducing much devotion time compared to when i am sick, and somehow feeling like i don't need God 'that' much.

Okay, that makes me realise that i am so much like the Israelites during that time all a sudden. Suffer= God is there, everything okay= God isn't there. Arghhsss, i better change the mentality of mine and know that my life is in God's hands, that it is only through the grace of God and through the love of Jesus Christ that i might live each day for His purpose. Now i know why God send Jesus, cause if He did not, we are all in big trouble as sinners ha-ha. We can't stop sinning. But through Jesus we are forgiven. Hmmm, forgiven-sinners?

Oh, and yeah, if you all are wondering what games kept me so occupied from blogging this few days (i mean weeks), it will be because i have been playing many old games like err, Red Alert!, Sim Tower, Theme Hospital, Baldur's Gate 2, Battle Realms... i think Red alert was one of the first games i had on my first pc, any game older than that will be educational games like 'Putt Putt save the zoo' and those sort (go figure). Somehow old games seems more fun, in some kind of way. Firstly, old games seems much simpler, which makes it more fun. Secondly, my laptop isn't actually a gaming machine, so playing 'old games' allows me to enjoy lag free gaming. And finally, it allows you to see how eh 'stupid' (boy, wish i wouldn't use that word but i guess it's the best way to describe it) you were when you were young compared to the knowledge you have now, ha-ha!(games that seems so hard during young become a walk through the park now) Then again, knowledge is something you acquire forever, blek. 

Then again, i have tons of Archie comics through my elder cousins who has a huge collection of them (elder somehow make them sound really old, but guess it's because i respect them... excuses, excuses...), which provided me with much laughs during the time in hospital and at home and made me defer my intentions to write my blog day after day because i get addicted reading it. Ha-ha, thank you so much ya, if you are reading my blog, as i did not manage to thank you guys properly for lending the comics to me.

So, guess that's all for today, thank God for giving me the will power to once again write some stuff on my blog hehe, and thank God for allowing me to recover at home right now and enjoy this kind of comfort. Now, just got to make sure i put God first in everything, and focus on things that are eternal, ha-ha! Better not repeat history as they say.

Testing?

Alright, I need a post to test how this blog will work, so oh well.

Debts~

Bah~ Going to the hospital again tomorrow, normally it would not be such of a big deal, but somehow I am kind of scared this time to get readmitted. Probably because I know how this chemo-treatment will affect me badly, vomiting and the sores at the lips, ughh.

Only God can save and heal me now as I am 100 percent sure that there's no way humanly possible I could actually stop the negative effects from happening. I am able to withstand the sore lips as that's just, err, pain, but I just can't stand the vomiting and nausea part, it's just... terrible... I must say, ha-ha. Don't like that feeling. Another reason that I am scared is because I haven't actually recovered from the nauseatic feeling since the last treatment; don't know what's taking so long to heal it.

Then again, today's church anniversary was really a big encouragement and I was really glad that I could attend it. Well, I know that many relatives, church members and friends are constantly praying for me, but today during the church anniversary I could really see how some church members actually pray so earnestly for me, was really encourage by that. Well, before the event started Aunty Magdalene shared her testimony with me, and then Pastor Lai also came and prayed for me. And after the anniversary, Pastor Thomas Chin and his wife prayed for me at home. Somehow I was really glad to see the pastors (Pastor Lai and Pastor Thomas Chin) as I don't get to see them often. Ha-ha, God really sends many people to look after me after all, to share my burdens together with me and lift up my spirits when I am down.

I don't know if I got this right, but I remember Pastor Lai telling me today that I would be an instrument of God through the healing, as God has a purpose in everything He does. Well, I totally agree with that, God does everything with a purpose, although somehow our foolish human minds just can't seem to understand it all at first, but God's will is the perfect will. Well, I guess I would be able to use this whole experience of the healing, to tell the world (or maybe I start with my circle of friends first, ha-ha) of how wonderful God's love is to me. But even if the healing doesn't happens at the expected time, in all things, I guess we got to still trust in the Lord, for He knows what's best for us, although it may be hard to take in at first, ke-ke.

In some ways, it seems like I am forever in a debt to God for the healing and to thank His love for me, I would need to fulfill the purpose that He has for me to do. Then again, thinking about it, all of us believers are somehow forever in a debt to God, for He sacrificed Jesus, His one and only Son, to die on the cross to set us free from sin and death. And no matter how much 'good deeds' we do, we could never pay God back for that sacrifice or save ourselves from our own sins. But through God's grace and mercy, we could live each day knowing that we are save by faith in Christ Jesus and not by works. And there's no more debt to pay through His grace. Imagine what would happen to us if we need to strive for our own salvation.

Thus, to thank God's wonderful love for us, shouldn't all of us strive to work hard for Christ in joy and love?

Prayers answered

Ah, wanna write something long, but guess i can't for today, as the church anniversary will be held tomorrow (or today, since it's already midnight) and i got to sleep early otherwise i can't wake up at eight in the morning... got to use to wake up around ten to eleven nowadays.

Well, guess i just got to thank God that as for now i could attend the church's 30th anniversary, was looking forward to this event like last year as i thought last year was the 30th birthday of the church, and i knew every like 10 years there's gonna be some big event, was rather disappointed then that it wasn't keke, miscounted.

It wouldn't be much of a big deal, but since i was most probably going to university this year, i knew i was going to miss the anniversary unless something happen. And viola, God answered a prayer of mine even before i cried up to Him, keke. Give thanks in all circumstances ya? Ha-ha.

And well the doctor also allowed me to stay for the anniversary and only readmit to the hospital on Saturday, so that's another prayer answered.

Thinking about it, God answer a lot of prayers of mine, and somehow i only notice it when i sit down quietly... thinking... about God or when i am suffering. Makes me wonder, how come i could only see God's goodness only during that time, when His goodness is all around, all the time. He-he, guess i got to learn how to thank His goodness and faithfulness to me, forever and a day.

Back home again ^_^

Ughh, each treatment seems to become even harder instead of easier, opposite of what the doctor said, that's why never trust them, ha-ha!

I vomited so much that i kinda lost count of how many times i vomited already. And the worst part of the treatment this time is that i can't seem to cancel of the suffering effect. Last time if i get a fever or sore somewhere i just need to suffer maybe 30 minutes to try to force myself to sleep, and once that is done, i can like, you know, forget most of the stuff since you are sleeping, sort of like natural pain-killers. But this nausea and vomiting thingy will make me stay awake, as somehow after a few hours of sleeping (usually just 2 hours) my stomach will start to make me feel so uncomfortable that i got to wake up, and when i wake up that means, uh-oh, vomit time. Ah, sleeping is such a joy given by God i must say.

That's why i got readmitted again on Friday even though i came out on, err, Monday was it? Scared that i get dehydrated because of vomiting and i was feeling really really uncomfortable.

Well, the mouth sore also seem to be more scary than last time, whole lips and the skins in the mouth were bleeding, and i was virtually swallowing saliva (plus blood) every now and then when i sleep, as it keeps coming out because of the sore. Thank God though, that there weren't any infections on the tongue, otherwise i would never be able to eat anything with the ulcers on my tongue.

Ah, but thank the almighty Lord that i am able to come home today and feel much better, finally manage to eat a "proper" meal, too! (now i really want to eat McDonalds and KFC, or maybe roti canai perhaps). Hope that the doctor would postpone my next treatment as i really need some rest and i hope to attend the church 30th anniversary too keke.

Hm mm, at least i manage to watch 'The Incredibles' when i was in the hospital ha-ha, miss that movie last time in the cinemas. God's many blessings i guess keke.